I have a really good bs meter!
After he left, I spent the night tossing and turning. In complete shock. I didn't sleep a wink. My brain was in overdrive.
The next day he text me that he was going out with daughter and would get in touch with me later and then put a LY (love you) at the end.
LY is how he ends his texts to me. And I usually reply with a "ditto".
I didn't reply.
The next day, I sent one simple text.
I replied: "We need to talk"
I felt the only recourse I had was to break up with him.
It felt like such a "cheater" move for him to be texting another woman.
I ran it over and over and over again in my mind.
The smile that crossed his face when he read the text...
That is NOT "just" a friend...
My mind flashed images, like out of a movie scene, of every moment we spent together.
Remembering things he said and how he made me feel.
On one of our dates we went to an open house at an artist's home. As we explored the grounds we found ourselves inside this little chapel that the artist constructed. It was small and had all these strange statues everywhere.
We sat inside and kissed for what felt like forever! Actually there were people standing outside the chapel waiting to go in and look around but saw us kissing and didn't enter. It was a little embarrassing but in that "Ohh sweet love..." kinda way not a "get a room!" kinda way.
Walking around we met this really hip couple Carol and Rich. They met in the 60's in NYC's downtown theatre scene. They were this fun, sassy, cute couple that had been married for 42 years.
We instantly bonded with them and sat there engage in conversation for quite some time.
Later that night after we made love Mr. Selleck wrapped his arms around me, kissed the back of my neck and ear and said: "I want 42 years with you."
I said teasingly: "Why don't we work on 42 days first, then 42 weeks, then 42 months and then 42 years!"
We laid in bed calculating the date that each milestone would fall on.
His words from the fight kept ringing in my head...
"Not too serious?" "Taking things slow"
Those were his words about our relationship after I caught him texting...was I mistaken?
Talking about being together for 42 years...
Aren't those things you say when you are serious?
During our conversation with the hippest couple on earth, Carol said: "Are you two going to get married?"
Mr. Selleck's reply: "Well we were just in the chapel."
It was cute and sweet. Now that is a remark that you don't take too serious.
But mentioning purposing, urging me to try to get pregnant again...those are not things you say causally...that's serious shit!
This made me wonder about every remark he ever made and of course the biggest remark of all:
"I love you!"
Was he being not too serious about that too?
I saw the writing on the wall.
And it was written in red! Big red letters!
There were other words starting to appear on the wall too: player, cheater, rebound...the words were light at first but becoming a darker red the more my mind focused on the wall.
I knew I had to break up with him.
My heart hurt. I truly thought he could be "the one" and he certainly led me to believe that too!
I put his belongings in a bag. It wasn't much...a toothbrush, nicorette gum, some bathroom products and some "bedroom" products (wouldn't you like to know!)...
I put them all in a plastic shopping bag and I slipped a note inside.
A note telling him how he made me feel.
My "goodbye" letter.
He responded back to my "We have to talk" text.
He wrote: "Do you want to meet at the gym?"
"Seriously?" I questioned.
He text that he didn't mean it as if nothing happened, he just felt it was a neutral place to talk.
I told him I was going to church.
He then suggested I meet him at the cemetery that his father is buried in. It is right down the street from my church.
I pulled into the cemetery and saw his car.
We both got out.
I walked over to him.
My heart was racing and hurting all at the same time.
With a shaky voice, I told him I couldn't be with him anymore and gave him his bag of stuff that contained the secret letter.
He asked if we could be friends.
I said no.
He put the bag in his car.
Then we walked around the mausoleum holding hands and talking.
He told me that even though it was a flirtatious text he has no interest in her. But on her end she has an interest in him.
*So what are you leading her on? Keeping her on the sidelines? - of course these are things I thought of later on to ask!
He then mentioned that it really is just a matter of how serious of a relationship, how big of a relationship he wants right now...
*Okay then don't say serious things!! Don't say BIG things! Once again something I thought of later to say...
He asked me if I wanted to go with him to see his father's grave.
I declined and said my goodbye.
When I got home I started to rethink everything.
I started to I feel like I completely overreacted.
Everything written in red on the wall was now transforming and fading.
It morphed into a plain, white wall, as the words disappeared, I couldn't see the writing anymore. Unable to read.
I felt heartache...I felt uncertain of my actions when I was so certain before...
My resolve was fading just like the big red letters on the wall...
I felt like I just said goodbye to the best thing that's happened to me in a long, long time.
I sat in my living room in a daze and cried.
Just outside my window I heard the hungered wails of Sematary...my somewhat adopted stray cat.
I pushed open the window and called his name.
There he was, looking up at me with those tortured eyes.
I threw a handful of food out the window.
I watched him walk over, trying to find each nugget in the grass to eat.
I'm not sure how long I stared at him scavenging for nuggets.
I closed the window.
Aimlessly I walked around my condo. I walked over to my phone.
Slowly picked it up.
Looked at it.
More like studied it.
I sent one text:
An instant reply:
"I'm on my way baby"