One of the girls on my fertility board wrote how she is having a hard time looking forward because she can’t help but focus on where she “should be” now. That comment really made me think of where I am now and where I “should be" now. Not only in terms of my TTC (because I always think about that) but also in other aspects of my life: where I “should be” now in regards to my career, a home and of course a family. Where I “should be” now as opposed to where I am now. Wow if someone had told me 20 years ago that at 41 I would be single, starting my own software company (first of all 20 years ago I would have been like WTF is software!), working in a bar, no children, no husband and TTC using donor sperm…if someone had told me that is where I would be now… I would have told them they were out of their mind and then politely (I say that sarcastically) tell them where I would be in my life and then tell them exactly where they could go. Ahhh, but times have changed. I don’t tell as many people off as I used to! Maybe I’ve softened, maybe I don’t care as much as I used to or maybe my life is nowhere near where I thought it “should be” that my focus is on trying to accept where I am.
My career
The where I “should be” in my career. My career now or the career I thought I would have? Well, I thought I “should be” an actress. I went to a 3 year acting conservatory in Manhattan, I was good and I spent many discouraging years in the city with very limited success. So, I decided to change my idea of where I “should be” in regards to my career and went back to school to become a computer programmer which leads me to where I am now, running my own software company and supplementing my income by bartending…hmm… I’m not unhappy about where I am today but can honestly say I never saw that one coming!
My home
This is the one area that the where I am now and where I “should be” now don’t really bother me that much. I “should be” living in a house with a beautiful backyard, possibly a pool, with a swing set and a fort (yes, a fort and it’s for me not my children). Where I am today is living in a beautiful condo (even though it’s a one bedroom I will convert the dining room into the baby’s room), with maintenance (meaning they shovel the snow) and a swimming pool. I like it!
My family
Now this is where it really starts to go off course. Where I “should be” now is married to a wonderful, witty, man who adores me and we have two beautiful, well-behaved children. Or at the very least I “should be” divorced from the idiot I married against my better judgment, raising our 2 kids alone, bitching about how he’s late with the child support and doesn’t see the kid’s as often as he could…wait a minute…hold the phone…that is one of the reasons I am single because I actually used my better judgment and didn’t get married so let’s just keep it to: I “should be” married to a wonderful, witty, man who adores me and we have two beautiful, well behaved children. The End.
My journey
Well if the above was true there really wouldn’t be a “should be” in regards of TTC but since I am not married to a wonderful, witty, man who adores me and we have two beautiful, well-behaved children, the where I “should be” now, the “should be” my friend expressed on the fertility board, is simple, I “should be” 27 weeks pregnant. That “should be” I try so hard not to focus on, I try so hard to put it out of my mind but it is always there. And everyday there’s something that brings it right back to the front of my mind: the girls on my fertility board getting their BFPs, or their tickers stating “I’m 12 weeks along”, “I’m 20 weeks along”, “My EDD is mm/dd/yyyy”. Mine was 10/31/2010. And yes, I am truly happy for them, this isn’t about negating their journey or their happiness but it’s just like the old saying goes: “I am happy for them but sad for me” and it’s not only on my fertility board it’s everywhere. When I talk on the phone to my BFF and her newborn is crying in the background and she’s exhausted from chasing around her 1 year old and all I keep thinking is I “should be” getting ready to welcome my little bundle of exhaustion into my life or what I wouldn’t give to be that exhausted. And I know it’s all relevant; if the shoe were on the other foot (ahhhh, but what if my shoe was on someone else’s foot. Now, that would be a relief). And it’s on Facebook “Did you see so and so is on Facebook now? Yeah, he’s married and his wife is pregnant.” There are baby pictures and family pictures everywhere on Facebook. It’s just a constant reminder of the where I “should be” now. Even when a friend tells me “I’m 7 days late but it’s okay b/c I’ve been late before. I just wish I wasn’t so tired and I think I have the flu”. Well that’s funny b/c it sounds like you’re pregnant to me. Something I’m not and something I definitely “should be” now. I “should be” 27 weeks pregnant and that is where I want to be now. Is it hard looking forward without focusing on the where I “should be” now? Yes, but the funny thing is the more I think about it the more I know that is where I will be soon. It’s actually, finally gotten me excited about trying again. Excited about starting my cycle, my shots and eventually my 2ww (I’m a glutton for punishment) because I know that the where I “should be” now and the where I am now will one day become one in the same.
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ReplyDeleteYour Helen quote is my favorite.
The "should be's" kill me, too. It's so hard to keep a positive attitude all the time, but the attempt is what counts the most, right?
ReplyDeleteAnd looking at your acronyms list, I had to laught at the one for O - just doesn't mean the same thing anymore, does it? LOL
Great post! Your last sentence about where you "should be" now and where you "really" are --becoming one in the same, is awesome. Love it!
ReplyDeleteThanks hopefulcc! I truly hope that one day we can all look back and where we "should be" is exactly where we are!
ReplyDelete