Oh ye of little faith...

A couple of Sundays ago Pastor Don did a sermon on how Jesus fed 5,000 people with 5 loaves of bread and 2 fish.

The miracle of the 5 loaves and 2 fish.

Now I am not "up" on my Bible studies.

To be perfectly honest I haven't read the Bible (well pieces of it I have) let alone studied it.

I am (as stated many times) a work in progress when it comes to religion.

I will be paraphrasing what I took away from the sermon. If I incorrectly comment on the Bible passage or verse please don't take it out on Pastor Don. I am sure that it is a relay of information issue stemming from the "relayer"! Me!

So, Jesus is somewhere where there's a lot of people. About 5,000 people in all and he asks the disciples how much food there is.

They find a boy who has 5 loaves of bread and 2 fish.

All the disciples (or at least a couple of them) start freaking out saying that it is impossible to feed this many people on 5 loaves of bread and 2 fish.

Jesus tells them to bring him the 5 loaves of bread and 2 fish and proceeds to start passing it out and it becomes endless, where he does indeed feed all!

Now Pastor Don talked about the disciples. How the disciples were too consumed with doubt and fear to be able to see the miracle that was just about to happened.

The miracle that was just around the corner.

And then he went on to ask us if in our lives are we too consumed with doubt and fear that we too can't see the miracle that is just around the corner waiting for us.

And it got me wondering...

Could that be the reason why I am almost certain that this cycle has failed?

Because I can't see my own miracle right around the corner...

Is that why I can't embrace and support those who have "crossed over"?

Because I can't see my own miracle right around the corner...

Is that why I am consumed at times with anger and jealousy?

Because I can't see my own miracle right around the corner...

Is that why I am so beaten down and broken?

Because I can't see my own miracle right around the corner...

Is that why the second someone announces something the first thing that comes to my mind is "Go scratch!" or "Bite me!" instead of "Congratulations!"

Is that because I can't see my own miracle right around the corner...

If I could see my miracle would all that change?

If I could have the faith to know for certain that my miracle is just around the corner would I then have the inner peace that would take away all these feelings?

Is that what it truly means to be one with God?

If I could just see the miracle right around the corner would it:

Alleviate my doubts and fears?

Remove my tears that are always near the surface?

Fill the empty void in my heart?

Quiet the voices of defeat?

How does one accomplish this?

Because for me maybe it isn't a matter of faith maybe it's because:

I am certain this cycle's failed because I have taken 4 HPTs (Home Pregnancy Tests) and they have all come out negative.

OR

I can't embrace those who have crossed over because I am still struggling and can't seem to make to the other side myself.

OR

I am consumed at times with anger and jealousy because "see above".

OR

The reason I am so broken down and beaten is because the one thing I want most in this world I can't seem to have and the few times I thought I did it was ripped away from me.

And well "Go scratch!" and "Bite me!" is a lot better than "Fuck off!"

So how does one accomplish that kind of faith?

Because after almost 3 years of heartache all I can think of is that must be one hell of a large corner!

It' gotta be bigger than a city block!

Or around the world?

What is it...right around the corner of the universe!

If it is a matter of faith than how come there were so many times when I was certain.

Positive that this cycle was the one or beyond certain in my pregnancies that this was my baby only to be crushed again and again.

How does one have that kind of faith when every time they do they get steamed rolled?

How do I have the faith that my miracle is right around the corner when all it seems to be is a one big circle?