The things I will never see!

At work last night a Bachelorette Party sat at a table in the bar. I waited on them. I’m not going to lie, I thought it was a pretty lame Bachelorette Party just by the sheer fact that it was in my bar. Not because the bar I work at is lame, it’s just not a Bachelorette Party type of bar. You need a bar with loud music, dancing and cute guys. You need to be down in Hoboken (like we did for my BFF’s Bachelorette Party) where you can go bar hopping to any one of the numerous bars with loud music, dancing and cute guys. Or you need to go to an All Male Revue, like we did for my sister’s 3rd wedding; yes you read correctly, I said 3rd but that is a whole another story. Let’s just say I have told everyone in my family that no one is allowed to get married (again!) until I get married! Anyway you need to go to an All Male Revue where hot sexy men embarrass the bride to be by gyrating all around and on her! Something fun, something memorable not dinner and drinks at a local tavern. So at first when they sat down I figured that we were their 1st stop on a fun filled night on the town. They would stop in here, have a couple of drinks, get a bite to eat and then head out for some fun Bachelorette shenanigans! But as the night progressed it became clear this was the full extent of their shenanigans! Shots and wings….hmmm not bad for football season coming up but really lame for a Bachelorette Party. As I continued working, washing bar glasses I thought to myself, that’s something I will never see. I will never see my Bachelorette Party. I’m not saying I will never get married but now, over 40, if I did get married I know I would not have a Bachelorette Party. It would be too silly. I wouldn’t wear a white dress either. That ship has sailed too. I will never see my Bachelorette Party and I will never see myself in a beautiful white wedding dress. I know there will be a lot of you claiming I still could have a Bachelorette Party and I could still wear the white dress but at this point in my life, now, I wouldn’t. Too me, it would just seem all too ridiculous like Mariah Carey wearing hot pants, stop already!! You look ridiculous. I am sure there are people telling her she can still pull it off too but no. It’s silly. So I will never see my Bachelorette Party and I will never see myself in a beautiful white wedding dress. I can live that. There are worse things I will never see and that I might never see. I will never see my father walk me down the aisle. He left when I was very little. I will never see my one grandmother who passed 2 years ago hold my babies and as time keeps marching on I risk the same fate with my other grandma. I myself might never see my grandchildren. I might never see the man of my dreams say “I do” and of course the most frightening of them all is I might never see my children.

Now as the night was coming to an end and I was thinking about things I will never see, I had a very unfortunate accident. A piece of glass shot out from one of the glasses I was putting away and hit me directly in my eye! It hit me with such force I was completely startled. I covered my eye and went over to the other bartender and said “I piece of glass just hit me in my eye”. He must have detected the note of panic in my voice b/c he immediately said “Go, go to the bathroom”. I went to the bathroom, uncovered my eye to see blood on my hand and blood coming out from my eye. This sent me completely into panic mode and of course I started crying. I never saw an eye bleed before and to be honest that is something I never want to see again. The ambulance was called. The police arrived. They kept me from touching my eye, so I sat there with blood dripping from my eye catching it with a cloth wondering how bad it was. I could see. I knew could see. That was a relief. I made a corny joke to the police officers: “I didn’t see that coming!” Ha ha! “If I did I would have closed my eyes!” HAHA! Dork! I am very dorky sometimes especially when I’m nervous. When the ambulance got there they covered both my eyes. They didn’t want my eyes to move around in case there was glass still in my eye. Not being able to see while riding in the ambulance was a little unnerving. I wanted to remove the bandages from my eyes but I didn’t want to make anything worse either. I knew I could see but I was still scared. They took me out of the ambulance and into the Emergency Room and had me slide off the gurney. The whole time I couldn’t see. I cracked another joke telling them “Don’t let me slide off onto the floor”. They didn’t. The nurse came and took the bandages off. I could see. The doctor came to examine me. He said I was very lucky. My cornea wasn’t scratched and there wasn’t any remaining glass in my eye. My eye looks real bad but it’s actually all good!

I will tell you something though, those 30 minutes when I couldn’t see, I have never been so grateful. I kept thanking God for all the things I had seen and all the things I will see. The funny thing is, just today, after all the rain stopped, I saw a double rainbow. It was such beautiful sight. I took it as a sign of all the beautiful things I'm going to see in my life. So, I won’t see myself wearing a white wedding dress, there just comes a time when you shouldn’t and there also comes a time when you should stop wearing hot pants! As I said, there are worse things.

Dan Quayle now Bill O’Reilly? The Great Debate!

And as a man, O'Reilly has voiced his concerns about Aniston's single motherhood comments. Besides calling it "destructive", O'Reilly accused Aniston of "diminishing the role of the dad." He went on saying that she "can hire a battery of people to help her, but she cannot hire a dad... Dads bring a psychology to children that is in this society, I believe, under-emphasized." http://www.aceshowbiz.com/news/view/00034664.html

I always wondered what makes a man have to stand up and defend fatherhood. Are they over compensating for their own inadequacies? My mom never got "up in arms" and had to justify herself as a good mother or insist on her relevance in today's society when "Mr. Mom" came out. Real fathers, real dads go on with their daily lives being the best parent that they can be and probably hold little regard to what the rest of the world thinks about the importance of a father in a child’s life. They know their importance and feel no need to defend it and they are compassionate to the plight of the single parent. Parenting is the hardest job that I pray to have the honor of having but does that mean I am single handedly diminishing the role of fathers in today society? Haven’t men already done that to themselves? I might not have the exact numbers but I would venture to say that the majority of single mothers don’t come from women who used Artificial Insemination. I going to go as far as to say over 95% of the single moms are a product of male abandonment. Now if anyone has stats to the contrary please let me know the exact numbers. As I said, I am venturing my guess.

His statement: “she cannot hire a dad” brings about the immediate response: just because you have a biological father doesn’t guarantee you a dad either. My friend’s stepfather (who was a wonderful dad) said one time “I think men are around to raise other men’s children”. Father figures come in many loving forms that biology may or may not have a hand in.

"It doesn't help matters," Quayle complained, when Brown, "a character who supposedly epitomizes today's intelligent, highly paid professional woman" is portrayed as "mocking the importance of fathers, by bearing a child alone, and calling it just another 'life-style choice.' "

Read more: http://www.time.com/time/magazine/article/0,9171,975627,00.html#ixzz0x4ttasy0

Then there comes the assumption that this is a choice. Well, it’s not really a choice, because if it was a choice, there would be options, choose one:

❒Meet the man of your dreams, get married, have children and live happily ever after

❒Accidentally get pregnant, marry the man and divorce 5 years later

❒Accidentally get pregnant and raise the child alone

❒Get pregnant through ART and raise the child alone

In the great daddy debate I am sure that all single moms if truly given the choice would go with what's behind door #1. In absence of the 1st choice actually being a reality than I would choose (which I did) the 4th option but then again it isn’t really a choice because the other options weren't available. Murphy Brown went with option 3 but once again it was due to the fact that 1, 2 and 4 were not options at the time. So is it a choice? No, it is decision based on being out of options. It’s not like I said “Oh, yes, when I grow up I dream of getting pregnant through IVF and raising my children alone” no, I dreamed of meeting the man of my dreams, getting married, having children and living happily ever after and although painfully difficult I have released the dream of option 1 but my heart, my soul could not give up my dream of becoming a mother. Should a woman give up her dreams of motherhood in order to make sure that she is not mocking the importance of fathers? I wonder if Bill O’Reilly or Dan Quayle would tell their daughters to give up on their dreams?

So, my question is, do shows like Murphy Brown and the movie The Switch glamorize single motherhood and diminish the importance of fathers? Or are they a reflection of what is going on in today’s society? Is art imitating life or will it cause (as the Bill O’Reillys of this world fear) life to imitate art?

Every picture tells a story!

I went to visit my grandmother this weekend. The first thing I noticed was how skinny she is. I hugged her tightly and told her “You look great”. Then my sister chimes in and says “She’s too skinny”. With a quick “knock it off” glance I repeated “You look great!” And then my grandmother even says “You’re not just saying that because everyone tells me I’m too skinny”. “No, I’m not just saying that, you look great!”

Aside from my grandmother being very skinny, another thing you will quickly notice when you go to visit is how immaculate her house is kept. When I say spotless, I mean spotless. It’s unbelievable how clean and organized her home is and her home has always been this way. I can’t recall ever, EVER walking into my grandma’s house and one thing being out of order! It is picture perfect. I often wonder why I didn’t get this gene. As I sit here on my computer working on my blog instead of cleaning my condo I am secretly wishing for the cleaning gene or a cleaning fairy to do the work for me.

I walked around my grandma’s home, looking at all the knick-knacks, dolls (I did get a love for dolls from her and have a beautiful doll collection myself) and pictures. I couldn’t help but marvel at how young we all were in those pictures. Wow, there’s a picture of my father when he was very young, my grandma very young (probably my age now) my sisters, nieces, nephews, there’s me in my high school graduation photo and in each picture, although I know exactly who everyone is, they seem like different people from who they are now. It all seems so long ago. A lifetime ago. Someone else’s lifetime. I feel like I don’t even know the people in those pictures, myself included. Wow, how could so much time have passed? How did I go from a smiling 17 year old full of hope and promise to a 41 year old woman facing her greatest fears? And the one thing noticeably missing, well to me at least, in this collection of family photos, is the pictures of my children. My family is missing. Will my children’s pictures ever find a place in my grandmother’s beautiful home? Will they ever know this amazing woman? The thought that the answer to that question could be no, breaks my heart.

I feel like I’m missing my mantel with my pictures. I am missing my life being told through a collection of photos placed neatly around my house. Photos from my childhood, to my wedding, to the birth of my baby and on and on. I had this picture in my mind of what my life would be like at 40 and now that image has faded and I’m trying to replace it with a new picture, a better picture.

I had a picture in my head of what my grandma would look like when I was older and yes, that picture is different too. So what if she is too skinny, she’s in her 80s and I bet all her life (like me) she’s worried about her weight. So let her be too skinny, just let her be! You’re always something in life: too skinny, too fat, too old, too late etc. And as I sat there holding on to an extra 20lbs gathered nicely around my waist and ass, I looked at my skinny, frail grandmother, her immaculate house, all the photos and I thought so what!!! So what she’s too skinny and so what I’m not! For the 1st time I didn’t care I gained weight. I didn’t care that I wasn’t picture perfect. For the 1st time I’ve completely accepted me for me and I think I look great. And my grandma does too! And if someone had taken a picture of us that day it would have been the perfect picture to show my kids!

Why am I crying over PayPal?

I found a woman online selling her left over IVF meds. This would save me a tremendous (and I mean tremendous) amount of money. All meds are unused, sealed and kept refrigerated. Well, so she says and really isn’t that the way it is with anything you find online, until you see it in person you have to go with how it’s represented online. You have to trust that this person is legit. Well, needless to say when it comes to things online, I have trust issues. I have done the online dating ritual and believe me when I tell you that how it looks online and how it is in person is ALWAYS two different things and NEVER for the better. Plus this is a lot of money. So can you blame a girl for wanting to feel safe and secure with the transaction. You never know. She could have unopened meds, not the right meds or not have any meds at all and is running a scam. You never know and that was the point of my phone call this morning to PayPal. I want to make sure I am protected. So, after a frustrating hour of looking for answers to my questions on their website (I even tried the automated chat and wanted to kill Sarah “the friendly customer service rep” who insisted on just IMing me links back to the FAQ page which I already read from top to bottom) I called PayPal. Now (whew!) I can ask my questions to a live costumer service rep or so I thought. Nope, no such luck, first I have to spend another frustrating 10 minutes (okay I’m exaggerating 5 minutes) with the automated phone system telling me “If you like to hear the main menu say Main Menu” UGHHH they should be illegal! No one should have to talk to a machine! Finally after repeatedly saying “Speak to an agent”, I got a live customer service rep. I proceeded to ask her to please explain to me how PayPal is safe because when I hit Send Money the person I am buying my product from will then have instant access to my money. I want to know how I can make it so it is a pending payment until shipment received. The customer service rep says “They can’t do that. The seller has instant access to the money as soon as you hit send money” so I ask her “How is PayPal then secure? How does PayPal protect me? I don’t really understand how PayPal works.” I’m transferred. As I am waiting to be transferred I can feel that old familiar lump in my throat. The one I get right before I break down and cry or the one I get when I am really starting to get pissed off and I am ready to tell someone off. I’m already fed up right now so the strangle hold on my throat’s gotta be there b/c I’m pissed. I try to swallow it away. New person answers, it’s a guy. I ask him what happens if I send the money and then I don’t get my product from the seller. He says “Oh, I’ll connect you to claims” I tell him I don’t have a claim I’m just wondering how the whole process works and he cuts me off and says that he doesn’t know how to answer my question, claims does and would I like to be transferred to claims and I say (and now I’m really getting hot under the collar)“Well, if you can’t answer a question then please, by all means, transfer me to someone who can!” So finally I get a woman who can answer my question and the answer is basically NO! No, PayPal cannot guarantee that you will receive your package and yes, the seller has immediate access to the money. But if they don’t send me anything I will be reimbursed from PayPal. Oh, okay but what if they don’t send me the correct product or something totally different. Ah, well, PayPal can’t do anything about that, they will only reimburse you if there isn’t proof of an item being sent. I’m like “an item”, “any item” so I tell her “So, you’re telling me they can send me a bottle cap and you can’t help” She says “They won’t reimburse if an item has been sent, even if it was just a bottle cap.” So, then I ask “Then why is PayPal considered safe and secure and why should I use PayPal” I don’t think she ever really answered that question. As I hang up the phone that old familiar lump in my throat the one that was there because I was getting pissed off unmasked itself as really being the one I get when I am about to break down and cry. Which I promptly did! I sat at my computer looking at my PayPal account wondering WHY AM I CRYING OVER PAYPAL?? Wow Leroy’s delay in arrival has really sent me over the edge b/c why else would I be crying over PayPal but I knew in my heart that I wasn’t crying over PayPal. I’m crying over everything. Everything I have been through over the last year and everything I am still going through: TTC alone, the loss of my dream family, creating a new dream family, failed IUIs, failed pregnancy, fertility meds, failed IVF, the unbelievable cost and shouldering all of this alone and yes, even Leroy! Missing Leroy and NOT being pregnant is not fair. So PayPal was just the catalyst or so I thought. After a trip to the bathroom to splash some water on my face and to pee, I discovered the catalyst….Leroy…Yup, good old Leroy and all the emotions he brings along finally made an appearance! It’s funny. I should have known he was knocking on my door when I started crying over PayPal. Oh, and just to let you know, later on while I was getting ready for work, I burnt my finger on my flat iron and that started the water works all over again. It was a welcome home sobfest for Leroy!!

Leroy’s MIA

I am sure there are some of you who are wondering why I call my period Leroy. It all started years ago when I met this spunky, crazy and beautifully girl K. K in all her craziness said to me one day “Leroy’s here” and I was like “Leroy?” and she said “You know, your period, Aunt Flo” and then I said “Why do you call it Leroy?” and she then said she felt that Aunt Flo was outdated, needed a more modern name and then sang a verse of “Bad, Bad Leroy Brown” Yes, it’s kinda gross and pretty hysterical at the same time. So, I adopted Leroy. My boyfriend at the time used to say (you can throw in your best NJ accent here!) “You know Leroy…Leroy’s the type of guy you are always happy to see but once he’s around you can’t wait for him to leave!” And at that time it was true. I wasn’t trying to get pregnant and was very happy to see Leroy every month but now….now….well, it’s a whole different story. Leroy’s the type of guy that pisses you off every time you see him. We all know that type of guy, the guy who doesn’t have to do anything, doesn’t have to say anything, all he has to do is show up and you are annoyed! Yup that’s Leroy! Now for all you fellas out there named Leroy I apologize but I promise I will not get upset if you call your constipation Michaela because it’s soooo stubborn!

Now, as annoying as Leroy is, there is one thing Leroy has always been in my life and that is very punctual! Leroy is always on time and when you are TTC that can be a very annoying habit or a very awesome habit depending on where you are in your cycle. If you are in the dreaded 2ww analyzing every symptom, praying that you are pregnant and along comes Leroy right on time! Ugghhh you just want to hit that guy! But if you are waiting for Leroy to come along so you can start your next cycle and he comes strutting along exactly when he’s expected, you are not only so glad to see him but very grateful he is so consistent. Well, that is where I am now. Waiting to cycle. So on July 31st I was expecting Leroy at his usual time and he didn’t show up. Hmmm, that’s not like Leroy. I waited a day. Day 2 no Leroy. I started thinking about my little tryst with my Friend with Benefits (yes, I am single but I am not dead! A girl’s gotta eat and this is a very dear friend) hmmm, we weren’t “that” careful but that would be a stretch. If Dr. Doom gave me a practically 0% chance with an IUI then this would have to be like a -10% chance but still I started analyzing every little symptom that I might have and of course making most of them up in my head. That is classic 2ww behavior. Then the groping of the boobs ritual starts. Boobs not sore. Day 3 no Leroy. Still groping myself. Hmm, Boobs still not sore. I take a HPT and its negative. It could still be early I tell myself. The am I pregnant, I’m not pregnant crazy train leaves the station. More groping. Day 5 no Leroy. I take another HPT and it is negative again. Okay so now I am a little freaked out! Where’s Leroy? I keep telling myself I have to stop groping myself but until Leroy shows up what’s a girl to do? And not only that, did I mention that Leroy is ALWAYS punctual!! The only time Leroy has not been punctual is when I was pregnant so I ask again WHERE IS LEROY?? All of the sudden it is like I have lost my best friend. It would be one thing if I knew why Leroy wasn’t coming but I don’t. I’m not pregnant so why, now of all times, when I am getting ready to start my 2nd IVF cycle is Leroy a no show! God it’s just like Leroy…whether he’s here or not he’s in some way pissing you off.

Well, the saga of where’s Leroy continues as I get ready to go to sleep I am pretty sure I am going to wake up on Day 6 without Leroy. Come on Leroy! I actually miss you!

Where I should be now…

Quick note: I added an Acronym List at the bottom on the left hand side to help you with all those abbreviations that us TTC (look it up) gals like to use!

One of the girls on my fertility board wrote how she is having a hard time looking forward because she can’t help but focus on where she “should be” now. That comment really made me think of where I am now and where I “should be" now. Not only in terms of my TTC (because I always think about that) but also in other aspects of my life: where I “should be” now in regards to my career, a home and of course a family. Where I “should be” now as opposed to where I am now. Wow if someone had told me 20 years ago that at 41 I would be single, starting my own software company (first of all 20 years ago I would have been like WTF is software!), working in a bar, no children, no husband and TTC using donor sperm…if someone had told me that is where I would be now… I would have told them they were out of their mind and then politely (I say that sarcastically) tell them where I would be in my life and then tell them exactly where they could go. Ahhh, but times have changed. I don’t tell as many people off as I used to! Maybe I’ve softened, maybe I don’t care as much as I used to or maybe my life is nowhere near where I thought it “should be” that my focus is on trying to accept where I am.

My career

The where I “should be” in my career. My career now or the career I thought I would have? Well, I thought I “should be” an actress. I went to a 3 year acting conservatory in Manhattan, I was good and I spent many discouraging years in the city with very limited success. So, I decided to change my idea of where I “should be” in regards to my career and went back to school to become a computer programmer which leads me to where I am now, running my own software company and supplementing my income by bartending…hmm… I’m not unhappy about where I am today but can honestly say I never saw that one coming!

My home

This is the one area that the where I am now and where I “should be” now don’t really bother me that much. I “should be” living in a house with a beautiful backyard, possibly a pool, with a swing set and a fort (yes, a fort and it’s for me not my children). Where I am today is living in a beautiful condo (even though it’s a one bedroom I will convert the dining room into the baby’s room), with maintenance (meaning they shovel the snow) and a swimming pool. I like it!

My family

Now this is where it really starts to go off course. Where I “should be” now is married to a wonderful, witty, man who adores me and we have two beautiful, well-behaved children. Or at the very least I “should be” divorced from the idiot I married against my better judgment, raising our 2 kids alone, bitching about how he’s late with the child support and doesn’t see the kid’s as often as he could…wait a minute…hold the phone…that is one of the reasons I am single because I actually used my better judgment and didn’t get married so let’s just keep it to: I “should be” married to a wonderful, witty, man who adores me and we have two beautiful, well behaved children. The End.

My journey

Well if the above was true there really wouldn’t be a “should be” in regards of TTC but since I am not married to a wonderful, witty, man who adores me and we have two beautiful, well-behaved children, the where I “should be” now, the “should be” my friend expressed on the fertility board, is simple, I “should be” 27 weeks pregnant. That “should be” I try so hard not to focus on, I try so hard to put it out of my mind but it is always there. And everyday there’s something that brings it right back to the front of my mind: the girls on my fertility board getting their BFPs, or their tickers stating “I’m 12 weeks along”, “I’m 20 weeks along”, “My EDD is mm/dd/yyyy”. Mine was 10/31/2010. And yes, I am truly happy for them, this isn’t about negating their journey or their happiness but it’s just like the old saying goes: “I am happy for them but sad for me” and it’s not only on my fertility board it’s everywhere. When I talk on the phone to my BFF and her newborn is crying in the background and she’s exhausted from chasing around her 1 year old and all I keep thinking is I “should be” getting ready to welcome my little bundle of exhaustion into my life or what I wouldn’t give to be that exhausted. And I know it’s all relevant; if the shoe were on the other foot (ahhhh, but what if my shoe was on someone else’s foot. Now, that would be a relief). And it’s on Facebook “Did you see so and so is on Facebook now? Yeah, he’s married and his wife is pregnant.” There are baby pictures and family pictures everywhere on Facebook. It’s just a constant reminder of the where I “should be” now. Even when a friend tells me “I’m 7 days late but it’s okay b/c I’ve been late before. I just wish I wasn’t so tired and I think I have the flu”. Well that’s funny b/c it sounds like you’re pregnant to me. Something I’m not and something I definitely “should be” now. I “should be” 27 weeks pregnant and that is where I want to be now. Is it hard looking forward without focusing on the where I “should be” now? Yes, but the funny thing is the more I think about it the more I know that is where I will be soon. It’s actually, finally gotten me excited about trying again. Excited about starting my cycle, my shots and eventually my 2ww (I’m a glutton for punishment) because I know that the where I “should be” now and the where I am now will one day become one in the same.