Why am I crying over PayPal?

I found a woman online selling her left over IVF meds. This would save me a tremendous (and I mean tremendous) amount of money. All meds are unused, sealed and kept refrigerated. Well, so she says and really isn’t that the way it is with anything you find online, until you see it in person you have to go with how it’s represented online. You have to trust that this person is legit. Well, needless to say when it comes to things online, I have trust issues. I have done the online dating ritual and believe me when I tell you that how it looks online and how it is in person is ALWAYS two different things and NEVER for the better. Plus this is a lot of money. So can you blame a girl for wanting to feel safe and secure with the transaction. You never know. She could have unopened meds, not the right meds or not have any meds at all and is running a scam. You never know and that was the point of my phone call this morning to PayPal. I want to make sure I am protected. So, after a frustrating hour of looking for answers to my questions on their website (I even tried the automated chat and wanted to kill Sarah “the friendly customer service rep” who insisted on just IMing me links back to the FAQ page which I already read from top to bottom) I called PayPal. Now (whew!) I can ask my questions to a live costumer service rep or so I thought. Nope, no such luck, first I have to spend another frustrating 10 minutes (okay I’m exaggerating 5 minutes) with the automated phone system telling me “If you like to hear the main menu say Main Menu” UGHHH they should be illegal! No one should have to talk to a machine! Finally after repeatedly saying “Speak to an agent”, I got a live customer service rep. I proceeded to ask her to please explain to me how PayPal is safe because when I hit Send Money the person I am buying my product from will then have instant access to my money. I want to know how I can make it so it is a pending payment until shipment received. The customer service rep says “They can’t do that. The seller has instant access to the money as soon as you hit send money” so I ask her “How is PayPal then secure? How does PayPal protect me? I don’t really understand how PayPal works.” I’m transferred. As I am waiting to be transferred I can feel that old familiar lump in my throat. The one I get right before I break down and cry or the one I get when I am really starting to get pissed off and I am ready to tell someone off. I’m already fed up right now so the strangle hold on my throat’s gotta be there b/c I’m pissed. I try to swallow it away. New person answers, it’s a guy. I ask him what happens if I send the money and then I don’t get my product from the seller. He says “Oh, I’ll connect you to claims” I tell him I don’t have a claim I’m just wondering how the whole process works and he cuts me off and says that he doesn’t know how to answer my question, claims does and would I like to be transferred to claims and I say (and now I’m really getting hot under the collar)“Well, if you can’t answer a question then please, by all means, transfer me to someone who can!” So finally I get a woman who can answer my question and the answer is basically NO! No, PayPal cannot guarantee that you will receive your package and yes, the seller has immediate access to the money. But if they don’t send me anything I will be reimbursed from PayPal. Oh, okay but what if they don’t send me the correct product or something totally different. Ah, well, PayPal can’t do anything about that, they will only reimburse you if there isn’t proof of an item being sent. I’m like “an item”, “any item” so I tell her “So, you’re telling me they can send me a bottle cap and you can’t help” She says “They won’t reimburse if an item has been sent, even if it was just a bottle cap.” So, then I ask “Then why is PayPal considered safe and secure and why should I use PayPal” I don’t think she ever really answered that question. As I hang up the phone that old familiar lump in my throat the one that was there because I was getting pissed off unmasked itself as really being the one I get when I am about to break down and cry. Which I promptly did! I sat at my computer looking at my PayPal account wondering WHY AM I CRYING OVER PAYPAL?? Wow Leroy’s delay in arrival has really sent me over the edge b/c why else would I be crying over PayPal but I knew in my heart that I wasn’t crying over PayPal. I’m crying over everything. Everything I have been through over the last year and everything I am still going through: TTC alone, the loss of my dream family, creating a new dream family, failed IUIs, failed pregnancy, fertility meds, failed IVF, the unbelievable cost and shouldering all of this alone and yes, even Leroy! Missing Leroy and NOT being pregnant is not fair. So PayPal was just the catalyst or so I thought. After a trip to the bathroom to splash some water on my face and to pee, I discovered the catalyst….Leroy…Yup, good old Leroy and all the emotions he brings along finally made an appearance! It’s funny. I should have known he was knocking on my door when I started crying over PayPal. Oh, and just to let you know, later on while I was getting ready for work, I burnt my finger on my flat iron and that started the water works all over again. It was a welcome home sobfest for Leroy!!