Saturday, April 15, 2017

Somewhere Over the Rainbow...

...way up high
There's a land that I've heard of once in a lullaby...

From the moment I stopped waiting and wishing for my dreams of motherhood to come true, to the moment that I decided that I would take motherhood into my own hands, I have felt like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz.

Everything that transpired happened as if I hit my head and I had to navigate this uncertain, scary, mystical terrain with a cast of characters that wouldn't let me reach my goal and a cast of allies that all seemed to reach their goal as I was destined to be stuck in Oz forever, all alone.

I met and made amazing friends, but they had their wishes granted by the great and powerful  Oz.

I sat alone.

I was alone on the other side of the Rainbow. The side where dreams don't come true. The terrifying, dark and lonely side.

I spent 5 years there...and if I was honest, even longer...I was on the dark side of the Rainbow when I was dreaming of meeting "the one" and building a family. And it ended up only getting darker and scarier as I headed out down the yellow brick road alone.

I fought the evil witch and her flying monkeys, Dr. Doom and his partner Dr. Darth Vader.  I met with great and powerful  Oz (Dr. Period) who somehow could work his magic for others, but for me a successful pregnancy was somewhere over the rainbow.

And so were my dreams of motherhood.

If happy little bluebirds fly beyond the rainbow
Why, oh why can't I?

For most it's really out of our hands. Yes, you can claw and scratch and fight your way to the top of the rainbow BUT whether or not you get to fly to the other's out of our was out of my matter how many cycles I did, I couldn't get over the rainbow.

It wasn't my decision that put me over. It was the decision of another.

It was the heart wrenching decision of another mother. One who was searching for her own yellow brick road.

One who saw me and said "No one could love her more. She is her forever mommy."

And with that thought the winds changed, the birds took flight and without me knowing my journey over the rainbow began.

Unknowingly as went about my day, this day 3 years ago, unknowingly I was starting to a happy little bluebird...

And the dreams that you dare to dream,
Really do come true. 

When someone else makes your dreams come true in a way so profound you know for a fact that there are angels here on earth, making it to the other side of the rainbow becomes the happiest and saddest moments of your life.

I don't know if I'll ever know what it feels like to be that angel to another person. To pull them from the dark side of the rainbow and show them how to fly where happy little bluebirds the expense of my own rainbow.

But I know my daughter's birthmother did that for me...(why oh why can't I..)

She went to the dark side of the rainbow and allowed me to go to the other side...the side where bluebirds fly.

And it all started with a call...3 years ago today...a call...that put me over the rainbow (and it is more beautiful than I ever imagined...) and that same call...put my wizard someplace else...

1 comment:

  1. Beautifully written. The metaphor of a rainbow in that song is really poignant. That sense of striving to get over to the warm, sunny, magical side and being left behind. So glad you made it over and look forward to joining you. Happy Birthday, Ladybug!



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