Sunday, December 26, 2010

Say What??

How to speak Moronic:

We’ve all heard the sayings. “We” meaning my wonderful Sisters in Fertility who are TTC. We hear the same sayings time and time again. For the life of me I can’t figure out why people find “this advice” in anyway helpful but they are always ready to give it. Quickly I might add. It just comes flying out of their mouths like there is some kinda of “Asinine Shit” center in the brain that can’t be shut off in time. And once you are around a lot of people uncomfortably discussing your plans to have a baby the “Asinine Shit” center of the brain overfloweth.

The holidays provide many opportunities for these awkward conversations to blossom. From the company Christmas Party to gathering at mom’s house, all eyes, ears and mouths spewing Asinine Comments will be focused on you.

I went to V’s Company Christmas Party this week. The group consisted mostly of women and it didn’t take long for the “Ever so helpful. Why didn’t I think of that sooner” advice to come my way about my quest to be a mother. Now I know that this is all because they want to help and have the best intentions but after a while, after you have heard the same moronic advice over and over, you end up giving you’re honest feedback. So here are some of the answers I gave…

Well some I gave verbally and some I screamed in my head, and for some I smiled and said “Thanks. I’ll try that”.

The number 1 Asinine Comment from the Asinine Shit Center of the Brain is (and it’s no surprise):

What you need to do is relax! Just relax! Have a couple of drinks and relax…

Why is “Relax” the number 1 Asinine Comment people give you when you tell them you are trying to conceive? And why would this advice be even remotely helpful to a single woman of 42 TTC when the object of my baby making affection is a catheter? So I proudly told them: “Yes, I could do that! I could get drunk before my insemination or transfer, show up at my RE’s office and try to make it relaxed and romantic.”

In my best, sexy, slurring, drunk voice I explained how I could make the moves on my RE:

Me: “Wow, Dr. Wow you look…you lookkkk…so hot…hot with that vaginal ultrasound” “I’m just gonna slllipp in the other room and taake my pants off”

Wink! Blow kiss! Pull off pants and return to the examining room…

“How do you like my paper gown?” “Sexxy”

As I skootch onto the table:

“I’m gonna put 1 leg here (moving my legs ever so sexy into the stirrups) and the other here (wink). How do you like that? (blow kiss) Now I’m jussst gonna lay backkk, relax and let you, that speculum and catheter have your way with me! Because you are hottt and I am relaxed and we’re gonna make a babbby”

Dr. Wow:

Number 2 Asinine Comment from the Asinine Shit Center of the Brain:

You’ve got plenty of time…

Oh for the love of God I DO NOT!!! In case you missed it the 1st time, 2nd time or 3rd time I AM 42!!

But wait I know the next answer to that: “My girlfriend had her 1st baby naturally at 43!”

She is the exception not the rule. So I politely remind them: “After age 35 your fertility falls off a cliff. And it only gets worse as you get older. 80% of women 38 and over will need some form of A.R.T. to conceive and that number only increases with age. But I am so glad to hear that your friend was one of the lucky 20%.” And in my head I was screaming: “I wish someone had told me the facts instead of blowing sunshine up my ass by saying You’ve got time!”

Now there was one comment that did somewhat make sense and made me feel a little better.

“You didn’t know. How were you to know you weren’t going to meet the guy?”

And that’s true. I had no idea that I wasn’t going to meet the guy. I held out. I held out way too long!! And in the process of holding out I would always get Asinine Comment # 2 “You’ve got time” and also during this time I would get those wonderful unprovoked Asinine Comments on dating and looking for the one. I would get:

When you least expect it…

It’s cousin: When you’re not looking…

I can honestly say there are many, many times that I have been “least expecting it” over the last year since I’ve put my full focus on TTC. And I have completely stopped looking. I wasn’t sure what to put under Hobbies on my Match profile anymore: “Likes long drives to the RE office and injecting hormones daily”, so I decided to delete my profile all together. So I am clearly not looking and guess what; it still hasn’t happened. And that’s okay because based on this advice I figure that one day I will be sitting on the toilet with my eyes closed when the man of my dreams bursts in, I will somehow be relaxed enough to make love and then I will magically be pregnant at 45!!

You’ve got a friend!

And we all know they know someone:

My friends’ unlce’s sister ‘s cousin got pregnant when she….

Stopped trying…

Just relaxed…

Adopted a baby from China…

Got drunk and accosted her RE!

So based on what happened to their friend’s uncle’s sister’s cousin I will get pregnant after unsuccessfully trying to seduce my RE and successfully adopting- just not sure where the relaxing and least expecting it comes in on this one…oh okay I will successfully seducing my RE in the oh so relaxed atmosphere of the examining room and then finalized my adoption only to find that I am pregnant from the drunken tryst! Hey it could happen!!

But in reality everyone is just trying to help (how this helps I have no idea) but they are trying.

Don’t Speak…

And some people just should be allowed to talk at all.

There is one comment I have shockingly gotten twice. Once from a man (understandably guy’s are pervs) and most recently from my mom’s wacky female friend (not sure why a woman would say such a thing) but this one truly belongs in the Asinine Comments from the Asinine Shit Center of the Brain Hall of Fame.

“Why don’t you just go out and be slutty and sleep around?”

When my guy friend said it, it was more like: “You’re missing all the fun. You should go out and sleep with every guy in sight”

My mom’s wackadoodle friend said it after my mom announced I was doing another Series. Cycle mom not series, cycle. So then my mom’s wackadoodle friend said something like: “It would be a lot cheaper and a lot easier if you were slutty and went out and slept around”


Do I need to dignify that with a response?

And to think the advice used to be “If you’re going to be slutty and sleep around use protection” (As it should be!) And in honor of my slutty days of Christmas Past, I followed the latter advice.

So with a big smile I turned to my mom’s wackadoodle friend and I said “Thanks! I’ll try that!”

But all joking aside that comment is just too Asinine for a response!

So in honor of the holidays when we are subjected to having to converse more than we would like, what are some of your favorite Asinine Comments from the Asinine Shit Center of the Brain?



  1. Oh my goash! I have to say that I was rolling as I read this. Sorry! People really do say some of the stupidest things in the world. I routinely get the "go out and sleep around" suggestion to which I respond "I might get something extra I don't want in the process." Generally the ladies telling me that nod as if they had never thought of that. They might not have; most of them have been married since Moses was a child.

  2. I've gotten all of those, myself! The "you're still young" thing gets me every time. Seriously? Have they seen my labs? Do they know the science?

    My brother in law suggested the get drunk before my IUI thing. He promised he would drive me there and back, and vouch for me at the RE's office. Since so many women get pregnant accidentally after getting drunk, he figured that a drunken IUI was bound to increase the results. At least he was funny when he suggested it.

    One I have to add is, "Why don't you just adopt?" As if it's really that easy - stroll down to the local adoption agency and say, "Hey, give me a baby!" And I'm always tempted to ask the married couples who suggest that why THEY didn't "just adopt"?

  3. I must admit that I laughed quite a few times when reading your post!

    But you are so right.....I'm sad to report that I've heard a few of those moronic lines coming from people who truly don't think before they open their mouths and reveal their ignorance and insensitivity.

  4. Wow..What a wonderful post. I can relate.

    I don't think people understand our situation. For this reason, I have told only a few people about my TTC journey. I hear the same things-- you are young, you should relax, you should have a one night, you should be happy that you are single, blah, blah, blah.. They just don't get it. It hurts my feelings sometimes because this whole process is an emotional coaster.. not something I'm just doing for fun.

  5. I can definitely relate. I think I listened to the "you've got time" for way to long. I actually get the "you should sleep around" quite a bit. I hope they are joking when they say it, but when I tell people what I am doing I often get the "wouldn't it just be easier to go to the bar get drunk and sleep with some guy?"

  6. Your post made me laugh myself silly. Thank you. It's So good to know that it's not just My friends that tell to Me to relax, get drunk and sleep around! My generic answer is, "sure I'll give it a go, and when I get diagnosed with chlamydia, hepatitis and HIV you'll be the first person I'll call"

  7. Ha! This was too funny! My brother said this to me, "why don't you just go out and get laid." While we were out to dinner with our parents. I said b/c that's unsafe - I want a baby, not AIDS. I'm sure he was kidding, but he still said it.

  8. this is the funniest post.. I think because we all relate to it, funny but sad...
    Even after the deed is done with ART and you are knocked up the comments continue... I told an older friend last week and his reply was... did you get drunk and sleep with someone in the pub...!!! my reply was that they had too many extra gifts to give and they were probably firing blanks due to their alcoholic lifestyle..he still could not cope with the sperm donor route...

    I must say I would much rather do it the old fashioned way, rather than have children through immaculate conception. I still live in hope that Mr right is out there waiting for me... cause Im really getting sick of waiting for him...

    Michelle (country girl)

  9. What a great post! My sister gave me the 'sleep around' line just before my IVF transfer. Really? As it turns out I could have saved a fortune on birth control over the years because unprotected sex (or sleeping around) doesn't seem to get me pregnant anyway. The doctor monitors me, gives me drugs, times things perfectly and I still can't get pregnant... so random one night stands wouldn't do it (and that's the ONLY reason why I'm not electing to invoke the slut method of conception... not).

  10. Love this post, girl! Unreal the comments that are given! I was laughing, but I know it hurts like hell when someone makes remarks like these. I get the, “you can always adopt” comment, like it is a second choice on the menu when all the specials are out.

  11. "Don't listen to the well-meaning morons." I could check off all of your comments, minus the go be a slut and you'll be pregnant.

    My most recent advice from my mom, while I was crying due to my recent IUI failure, was "Relax honey. Try not to stress out so much and it'll come." Yes, and perhaps I should just pull out a tooth and wish for a baby from the tooth fairy rather than a quarter. During our staff Christmas party, one of my colleagues stated that she knew someone who went through a cycle of IVF , got pregnant and then after giving birth, she got pregnant again! Or there's the wonderful, "They were about to start the IVF process and they got pregnant naturally!"

    I know that a lot of these comments are well intentioned but no one can fathom how painful this process is unless you're trudging through it.

  12. Oh Man, I just got the "go out to a bar" comment the other day! ha ha! Too funny.

  13. You did a great job making an unbearable situation funny....good lord does these people really think before they speak?!Maybe we should just start saying jackass things like them....see how they handle idiocracy! They wouldn't know it if it hit them in the face, I am afraid.

  14. I love you. I just love you! And I especially love the drunkenly hitting on your RE... that is TOTALLY how it would go down! Classic! :)

  15. Ah, yes..."When you least expect it…When you’re not looking…" I've been told that for years, all the while not looking & least expecting it & it hasn't done me a lick of good finding Mr Right!!

    I just have to say how grateful I am for coming across your blog today. You have an amazing way with words.

  16. Ladies I can't stop laughing at the fact we all get the same asinine comments!

    Tiara - I am glad you found my blog too. Your comments have made my day!

    S.I.F - I'm real close to actually drunkenly hitting on my RE. What do I got to lose!!

    I guess ladies we will just have to keep nodding and smiling and laughing on the inside!

  17. The phone rings... its my sister, mum and dad are there, but its the kids on loudspeaker saying Happy New Year !!! prompted by the adults... it was funny..... I loved talking to them..... then my mum came on.... we talked for a bit, then I prompted the conversation to my sister and her kids coming to visit... she said "maybe when they have been you will change your mind about the result being positive" HUH???? "why would you say that" I said. "maybe when you see the mess they make you will change your mind" said by mum just after she said "ohhhh you villan boy... you're beautiful" then to me "he really is beautiful".... WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT???? "Don't I deserve that!!!!" I said...."to experience exactly that!!!"

    Just happened.......

  18. Gerat post! I just found your blog and have started reading from the beginning. I get these stupid comments all the time too. If I had a dollar for every time someone said one of these stupid lines I would have enough money to adopt several kids AND pay for fertility treatments for everyone here in blogland!



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