Monday, December 13, 2010

Praying for Someday…


Throughout this journey I have always had a plan. From the moment I heard those words: “Practically zero percent chance…” I knew they were wrong. In my heart I knew it wasn’t true. My 1st plan of attack was to prove Dr. Doom wrong. And I did. And then it fell apart. After my miscarriage my plan was to get pregnant again as soon as I possible. It was the only thing I could think of doing to stop the pain (and it still is) so I decided to move directly to IVF. After my 1st IVF cycle failed my plan was to change my donor, double up my holistic efforts, start meditation tapes, go to psychics, lite candles, use a dreambox, rub a pumpkin on my womb (yes I rubbed a pumpkin on my womb!) etc. All to ensure success. I stopped going to my acupuncturist Violet and enlisted the services of Dr. Wang (thinking that old Chinese medicine men held some kind of ancient secret). I was certain this plan would work. And then IVF cycle 2 failed and I was back to square one. I had no plan. I had no idea. Should I triple my holistic efforts (I wasn’t even sure how to do that)? Change donors again? Take this? Increase that?

I was on the phone with Sissy M explaining all this to her and she says: “I guess you are just going to have to let go and let God”. I was looking for answers. Her response pissed my off at the time. My reply was (and I quote): “Like I have a fucking choice” but that was exactly what I was going to have to do...

I’ve realized that there is nothing I can do or not do that is going to change the outcome of this last cycle. It is either going to work or it’s not going to work. I cannot change that. I went back to Violet because I feel more at home with her. I went back to my old donor because the other donor didn’t have any sperm available. Normally that would have freaked me out and made me think this cycle was doomed. I’m letting go and letting God. I still continue with all my supplements but I am not as strict. I figure a tiny drop of regular coffee mixed in my decaf isn’t going to ruin me. I’m letting go and letting God. And my plan? My plan has become prayer. Every night before I go to bed I pray. Well I don’t know if you could actually call it prayer anymore. I mean let’s face it; it’s more like downright begging. Where is the line between praying and begging? Yeah, it is downright begging but I figured it’s the only shot I have. So every night before I go to sleep, I thank God for all the good in my life, ask him for the strength to carry on down the path that I am meant to take and then pray (beg and I mean beg) to become a mommy. I beg God for my family. So yes, my new plan is begging…

And somehow the being thankful, asking for strength, praying and yes the downright begging has given me a little sense of peace.

But there are some things you cannot avoid. No matter how hard you try or what you do you will eventually come across, run into or find yourself face to face with the constant reminders of your empty womb, childless existence or single life. Reminders are all around you. I would imagine the only way to avoid these reminders would be to work from home, always order delivery so you never have to go to the supermarket and around the holidays you would have to order all your gifts online in order to avoid the place where all reminders like to convene; the MALL!!

Yes, the other day I ventured out into the Holiday Torture Land and hit the mall with Sissy L. As we walked past all the various stores we pointed at shoes and purses, checked out the newest gadgets, “Ohhed” and “Ahhed” at the little mittens, tiny coats and little hats. We walked past pregnant women, a sea of strollers, happy couples and happy families everywhere. Teary eyed I watched the little ones sit on Santa’s lap and at lunch at the table right across from us a woman with twins put her adorable little babies into their highchairs and fed them lunch. I looked with longing and Sissy L would say “I can’t wait” and would declare “Me too!” But somewhere underneath it all was the fear, the overwhelming fear that it may never happen for me. I think Sissy L sensed this because later on after our trip to the pet store to “Ohh and Ahh” over the adorable puppies and fight the maternal urge to bring one home (to be a mommy to something), we were sitting at a little coffee shop drinking our Ginger Spice Lattes (yes it was decaf) and watching all the families walk by and Sissy L leaned in and said “Someday there will be a woman looking at you with your adorable children wondering when it’s going to be her turn”.

And I realized that is exactly what I have been praying for all along; my someday. I am begging for it to be my turn. I am praying for someday!

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9 comments:

  1. Reading this post reminded me viscerally of that "When will it be my turn" feeling. And that crazy feeling, knowing that the outcome of a cycle is truly out of your control. I truly believe that it was my determination to be a mother, one way or another, that got me through to the other side. You'll get there, Michaela. It's just as sweet, maybe even sweeter, than you imagine. :-)

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  2. Your friend Sissy L rocks!!!

    And I'm begging God for you too, Michaela :)

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  3. "When will it be my turn" I am totally there with you! I hope you will be blessed with your baby soon! It can't hurt to ask/beg for what you really really want. You know, just to make it absouletly clear that you are serious and yes, please soon!

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  4. I looked out my kitchen window tonight and saw my neighbor's mantle with 5 stockings hanging for the husband, wife and three kids. I've never envied these neighbors before but this did it.

    You describe what so many of us feel... it is really no comfort... but you are not alone.

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  5. I've spent so many holiday seasons thinking "when will it be my turn" - in fact, it was one such Christmas about 4 years ago when a friend called me as I was crying alone in the guest bedroom of my parent's house that I first said aloud that I wanted to have a baby on my own. What is it about the holidays that makes these feelings so much harder to bear?

    For the record, I'm praying every day that this cycle works for you, too.

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  6. I’m pretty sure my prayers are begging as well. I can’t wait for “someday” to arrive. You are in my prayers, hon.

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  7. Thank you for this beautiful post. I can completely relate but probably can't articulate it the way you do. Our time is now.. it is going to happen to us, Michaela. We will be moms in 2011. I am praying for all my SMC sisters... Hugs

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  8. I am praying that this next cycle works....and that I will be reading your postings early next year and waiting for my turn.

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