Friday, July 15, 2011
How did I end up here? PART II
It has been 1 year since I have started blogging and almost 2 years since I started my journey to motherhood.
I would have never believed that I would still be childless after 2 years.
2 years ago I was beyond excited, beyond determined, beyond confident and full of hope.
4 IUIs, 1 miscarriage and 3 IVF cycles later…
I’m beaten down, tired, scared, fearful and somehow through it all still full of hope.
It was 1 year ago today that I decided to start blogging about my journey and ironically (this is something I never noticed before) I published my very 1st post ever on my mom’s birthday.
So Happy Birthday Mom and Happy Anniversary “A Single Journey”!
Now let’s reexamine my initial question that started it all:
How did I end up here?
In pondering how I ended up here, I related my journey back to my relationship beginnings.
Back to my high school sweetheart and wondered whether or not leaving him brought me to my present state.
I do sometimes look back and wonder. Wonder what my life would be like now if I had married my high school sweetheart.
I would have children that I am sure of but my guess is I would be divorced.
And I wonder…
Would I be resentful of my children for taking away my youth?
Would I be tired and frustrated?
Would I find my kids a choir instead of a blessing?
I would hope not but somehow when I picture that life, I have a sneaky suspicion I would have.
But, I wanted to leave. I wanted to break free. I wanted to go out and see the world first before settling down. I wanted to want to have children.
And even though my high school sweetheart is married and has 2 children of his own, I can easily conclude that leaving him is not what has brought me to my present state.
You see, I have had many relationships after my high school sweetheart. Some full of love and potential. So in really trying to determine how I ended up here maybe I need to dig a little deeper…
My single status is obviously what brought me to having to choose to pursue single motherhood.
And it is a direct result in me waiting so long to start this journey.
But what was I waiting for?
Was I waiting for “him”?
The one that got away
Could that be why I am still single? I’m still holding out hope after over 15 years that we will somehow be together again?
I made a conscious effort to NOT call “him” the love of my life after things fell apart because my life isn’t over yet. And I pray every day that I will meet “the one” I am meant to be with.
And I don’t know if you could really say that I am sitting around hoping that “he” returns.
I think it’s more like a fantasy.
I fantasize that it could happen.
But then again I also have a fantasy that I will meet George Clooney and he will give up all the bombshell bimbos and fall madly in love with me and that I will be the woman he finally marries.
So, because I have all these fantasies does that mean I won’t meet "the one"?
Or have I already met him?
Whether or not this had a direct impact on where I am today I do not know.
Maybe I need to explore the possibility.
Maybe I need to face or better yet, release the one that got away…
This is a love that still causes my heart to ache even today.
And I will never forget that Memorial Day weekend during Fleet Week in 1991.
Yes, folks I met me a sailor during Fleet Week with all the making of a true Hollywood love story that quite fitting turned into heartbreak. Because really isn’t that how all Hollywood love stories end?
Anyway Fleet Week 1991, that is where it all began…
Cue up the 90s music and get ready because I am going to take you on a walk down memory lane as I try to answer my very 1st question: How did I end up here?
In life we all have an unspeakable secret, an irreversible regret, an unreachable dream and an unforgettable love. ~Diego Marchi