God's Plan

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I have never been one to claim complete faith. I have freely admitted that I walk on the edge of cynicism.

I am a work in progress.

I have a lot of "logical" thoughts that take away from that feeling of "blind faith".

But I am trying.

Trying to have the faith and silence the questions.

And there are so many things that I question:

Can you really find salvation by drinking that little cup of juice that represents the blood of Christ?

Are all your sins really forgiven?

How could Moses part a sea?

Was it a sandbar?

Could one man really make an Ark by hand that Elephants could walk on and it still float?

And if Jesus really did do all of those amazing things, how did he do them?

Could he have actually just been the world's very 1st magician?

I am sure that if I lived in those days I would be looking for the string or the sleight of hand.

And of course more importantly I question the more serious issues of the horrors in the world and how they can exists.

For those of you screaming "blasphemy" at me as you read this, I did say that I am trying.

I go to church every Sunday and although at times I may have inappropriate thoughts, I am trying to find the undeniable faith that leads people to make such comments like:

"It was meant to be"

"Everything happens for a reason"

"You will be shown the way"

"God has a plan for you"

And I try to have the faith that will lead me through this dark time in my life.

The faith to know that this is only temporary and that "God's plan" is one of beauty.

But I struggle.

I struggle with the fact that every day I cry.

I struggle with the fact the I have to face this all alone.

No one there beside me to hold my hand, comfort me or wipe the tears from my cheek.

Every day I live with such an unbearable ache in my heart and I wonder what could that plan possibly be?

If God's plan is that I be alone and have no family it is working out perfectly.

But I do know this... if it wasn't for my Infertility I would have never stepped foot back into a church. Well, except for weddings and funerals.

I walked into my church about 1 month after being told that I had: "A practically zero percent chance of conceiving a child..."

I remember telling the doctor: "You're wrong."

I remember biting my lip, holding my head up high, walking out past the receptionists with the pity stares and making my way to my car.

I remember getting into my car putting the keys in the ignition and then I remember I started to hyperventilate.

I was crying so hard I couldn't catch my breath.

The sobs were loud and frequent and uncontrollable.

I tried to compose myself and started the car.

Through vision blurred by tears and bouts of uncontrollable sobs I somehow made it home.

After that I don't really remember every day or each thought.

I remember endless nights of crying myself to sleep and I remember a strong resolve coming over me to prove them wrong.

And that strong resolve I guess was really a glimmer of faith in disguise.

About a month later I found myself walking into church.

"Believe in me because I don't believe in anything and I want to be someone to believe" ~ Counting Crows

I remember after I had been going to church for a couple of months, I was at my "bestest" childhood friend M2's house and she was saying to me: "Well you must be looking for something if all the sudden you are going to church."

Your damn right I am.

I am looking for something.

Answers?

Faith?

Hope?

That allusive fucking reason?

So when I was at fellowship after church the other day and one of the members came up to me and said: "God has a plan for you."

I can't help but wonder what that plan is?

I can't help but wonder if I hadn't made the choices I made when I was younger. If I instead pursued motherhood in my 20's or 30's would that have ruined God's plan or would something have happened and I would be in the same exact place I am today even if I "played" it differently.

And what if God's plan isn't remotely what I've planned?

Do I then just live in misery trying to move forward with my plan but continually stuck because of God's plan?

What if God's plan doesn't include me being a mother?

Than I can no longer be a part of that plan.

I will not accept that fate.

What's the plan then?

Where's the faith?

And what is the fucking reason!

But I still haven't found what I'm looking for ~ U2

As I sat in church today celebrating Palm Sunday I still have my questions and yes I am still looking for something...

Could one man really make an Ark by hand that Elephants could walk on and it still float?

Hey, they made the pyramids...

Did Moses really part a sea?

Maybe my sandbar theory is correct.

But isn't it just as miraculous that they got to the sea at low tide, just in time to cross over and by the time their pursuant got there high tide came rolling in washing away the sandbar?

So there is a little part of me that might say:

Maybe this was part God's plan to find a way to get me back into church or to strengthen my faith.

But really right now in order to keep moving forward God...I could really use a sandbar.