Sunday, April 1, 2012

God's Plan

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I have never been one to claim complete faith. I have freely admitted that I walk on the edge of cynicism.

I am a work in progress.

I have a lot of "logical" thoughts that take away from that feeling of "blind faith".

But I am trying.

Trying to have the faith and silence the questions.

And there are so many things that I question:

Can you really find salvation by drinking that little cup of juice that represents the blood of Christ?

Are all your sins really forgiven?

How could Moses part a sea?

Was it a sandbar?

Could one man really make an Ark by hand that Elephants could walk on and it still float?

And if Jesus really did do all of those amazing things, how did he do them?

Could he have actually just been the world's very 1st magician?

I am sure that if I lived in those days I would be looking for the string or the sleight of hand.

And of course more importantly I question the more serious issues of the horrors in the world and how they can exists.

For those of you screaming "blasphemy" at me as you read this, I did say that I am trying.

I go to church every Sunday and although at times I may have inappropriate thoughts, I am trying to find the undeniable faith that leads people to make such comments like:

"It was meant to be"

"Everything happens for a reason"

"You will be shown the way"

"God has a plan for you"

And I try to have the faith that will lead me through this dark time in my life.

The faith to know that this is only temporary and that "God's plan" is one of beauty.

But I struggle.

I struggle with the fact that every day I cry.

I struggle with the fact the I have to face this all alone.

No one there beside me to hold my hand, comfort me or wipe the tears from my cheek.

Every day I live with such an unbearable ache in my heart and I wonder what could that plan possibly be?

If God's plan is that I be alone and have no family it is working out perfectly.

But I do know this... if it wasn't for my Infertility I would have never stepped foot back into a church. Well, except for weddings and funerals.

I walked into my church about 1 month after being told that I had: "A practically zero percent chance of conceiving a child..."

I remember telling the doctor: "You're wrong."

I remember biting my lip, holding my head up high, walking out past the receptionists with the pity stares and making my way to my car.

I remember getting into my car putting the keys in the ignition and then I remember I started to hyperventilate.

I was crying so hard I couldn't catch my breath.

The sobs were loud and frequent and uncontrollable.

I tried to compose myself and started the car.

Through vision blurred by tears and bouts of uncontrollable sobs I somehow made it home.

After that I don't really remember every day or each thought.

I remember endless nights of crying myself to sleep and I remember a strong resolve coming over me to prove them wrong.

And that strong resolve I guess was really a glimmer of faith in disguise.

About a month later I found myself walking into church.

"Believe in me because I don't believe in anything and I want to be someone to believe" ~ Counting Crows

I remember after I had been going to church for a couple of months, I was at my "bestest" childhood friend M2's house and she was saying to me: "Well you must be looking for something if all the sudden you are going to church."

Your damn right I am.

I am looking for something.

Answers?

Faith?

Hope?

That allusive fucking reason?

So when I was at fellowship after church the other day and one of the members came up to me and said: "God has a plan for you."

I can't help but wonder what that plan is?

I can't help but wonder if I hadn't made the choices I made when I was younger. If I instead pursued motherhood in my 20's or 30's would that have ruined God's plan or would something have happened and I would be in the same exact place I am today even if I "played" it differently.

And what if God's plan isn't remotely what I've planned?

Do I then just live in misery trying to move forward with my plan but continually stuck because of God's plan?

What if God's plan doesn't include me being a mother?

Than I can no longer be a part of that plan.

I will not accept that fate.

What's the plan then?

Where's the faith?

And what is the fucking reason!

But I still haven't found what I'm looking for ~ U2

As I sat in church today celebrating Palm Sunday I still have my questions and yes I am still looking for something...

Could one man really make an Ark by hand that Elephants could walk on and it still float?

Hey, they made the pyramids...

Did Moses really part a sea?

Maybe my sandbar theory is correct.

But isn't it just as miraculous that they got to the sea at low tide, just in time to cross over and by the time their pursuant got there high tide came rolling in washing away the sandbar?

So there is a little part of me that might say:

Maybe this was part God's plan to find a way to get me back into church or to strengthen my faith.

But really right now in order to keep moving forward God...I could really use a sandbar.


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11 comments:

  1. Wow! Beautifully said. I too am struggling between faith and my situation. You're a step ahead of me. I have not been making church much even though I always say I will.

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  2. You were very eloquent in this post. I don't have any advice for regaining your faith (I am actually not a big proponent of it myself). But it would be nice to have answers. I can't personally believe that everything happens for a reason (as there are just no reasons for some things to happen). I hope that you are able to find solace and comfort - your sandbar - soon. I wish that it was something I could give to you.

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  3. I lack faith but I'm not trying to do anything about it. In the back of my mind I wonder if this might be my problem. I do like your sandbar theory.

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  4. I was in the car last night and U2's "I still haven't found what I am looking for" came on the radio. I have listened to that song a million times, but last night I heard it for the first time. That song spoke to me like it never has before. My journey TTC for the last two years has brought me places I never thought I'd be. It has tested me and shown me how strong I can be. Whether I become a mother or not, this journey has taught me so much about myself.

    My heart breaks knowing how sad you are Michaela. I am sorry that your questions aren't answered and that you can't seem to figure out what God's plan is right now. I am not sure there are always answers. Learning to live with the uncertainty while still keeping faith and hope is a challenge in and of itself. But I have faith in you. You are so strong (even if you don't feel that way right now), intelligent, and beautiful inside and out. I know you will find your way. And in the meantime, when you need/want it, there are so many of us who'd walk with you.

    You are in my thoughts and I am praying you find what you are looking for.
    Penny

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  5. So well said. I've often been jealous of the people with blind faith who, when faced with life's tragedies, can say, "It's God's plan" & take comfort from that.If what you're going thru now, & what you've been thru, is God's Plan, well then I don't like God's Plan. Someone once told me, "It all works out in the end...so if it's not working out, it's not the end." I hope, pray, trust, believe...have faith that you will be a mother.

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  6. I know this is hard. Sorry your having a hard time. Please don't give up I believe you can make this happen.

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  7. I was raised in a christian family, as you can imagine I had heard that "god has a plan for our lives". But I also was told that I have to "go for god's plan for my life" I'm not sure if you understand what I mean (because my english is not very good), but as an example they always told as "If god has planned that you are going to be a musician, then you should start learning music". I'm not a woman of faith, but I learned that if god has a plan for your life he will need you to do something. I also learned that a plan is not a goal, it´s a whole journey!
    I'm sure you're going to be a mom, and then you will enjoy your babies so much.

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  8. I admire you for writing this post. IF truly tests faith. And honestly, I still have not gotten over it... I used to believe everything happens for a reason - but I certainly don't anymore.

    LOVE your theory on the sandbar!!

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  9. I love that last line... "I could really use a sand bar". It's brilliant. You know me, not really a woman of faith or maybe a woman of little faith. However, I was raised in a Christian home and one verse comes to mind after reading your post... "Delight yourself also in the Lord; and he shall give you the desires of your heart". Psalms 37:4
    For some reason I really like that one.
    I'd also like to recommend the book, "When Bad Things Happen to Good People" by Rabbi Harold Kushner. Excellent book that helped me to answer a lot of the questions I've had over the years concerning God and faith.
    You will be a mom, Michaela... I don't know exactly when or how it will come to be but it will happen. I believe that with all of my heart! Love you!

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  10. Michaela, I am right there with you. The questions. The wonderings of “what if”, “how come”, and “when, God, when?”. Thank you for writing this post. You put into words the pain I have on my own heart. I read this and thought...”me too”, while crying my eyes out. It helps me to feel not so alone in this.
    As far as God’s plan, I know it is SO hard to believe at times, but I know without a doubt that God’s plan is far beyond my own understanding. I may think that I have messed up and failed too many times for him to do something with my life, but I haven’t. And neither have you. He’s got you, girl. And I don’t think it is wrong to question his plan. I don’t think it’s blasphemy. It’s honesty. I believe that God knows the heartache we are both dealing with (and many others). I can’t understand why. I can’t erase the emptiness and the longings I feel to be a mother and wife. But I know God hasn’t forgotten me...or us. One of my favorite verses is Psalm 39:7 "What am I doing in the meantime, Lord? Hoping, that's what I'm doing—hoping”.
    Don’t lose hope, sweetie. You are more precious than words can express.

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  11. Well-meaning Christians have said some dumb things to you. God's plan for you may well be a plan you don't like. I hope not. We all want a happy ending. But God sees your eternal future. Your life on Earth is very short and your happiness here is pretty irrelevant in light of what is waiting for you in Heaven. Plus, as I am sure you are aware, it's not "just about you." Those are tough words. Sorry to be so blunt. I have to preach those words to myself constantly. I have never wanted children myself, but I have always wanted to marry and sing on Broadway. I am 38 and still am no closer to realizing either ambition. I hope God will give you peace and acceptance of His will, whatever it is.

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