Friday, August 24, 2012

Untitled


I couldn't decide on a title for this post because I have so many different titles running around in my head. Each title representing the cacophony of emotions and thoughts that have been overtaking my mind and my heart.

cacophony  (noun) - an unpleasant combination of loud, often jarring, sounds *aka - the sound of my tears (screams and sobs)...

Strike 12 - Forever Whiffer!
Yes, I just completed my 12th cycle and I struck out again. BFN!

That is now  4 BFNs in a row.

Will I forever be that little girl in her own backyard fearful that the only thing I will ever be able to do is strike out?

3 + 12 = 0
On August 28th it will 3 years since I started TTC.

3 years and 12 cycles

4 IUIs

5 IVFs

3 FETs

2 pregnancies and 2 miscarriages

Equals ZERO!

Zero babies!

Definition of Insanity
Am I crazy? Could one actually try cycle #13 (or #14 or #15) and expect a different outcome?

Everyone but me
I have been completely left behind.  I am the last one from just about all my boards who hasn't had a baby or isn't pregnant which only solidifies my theory that everyone but me will become a mom.

All I have wanted is to become a mom and I know that I have my adoption and I pray every day it will come through so I can stop this obsession about getting pregnant.

Every since I miscarried all I want is to be pregnant. It's all I want.

And I won't stop until I am a mom. (Please God let me become a mom!)

Why can't it be me for once?

When is enough, enough?
How many times can I break til I shatter?

WTF AGAIN!
Completely speechless! I am so speechless that it has taken me two weeks to be able to create this incoherent post!

F-God's Plan!
If God's Plan is for me NOT to be a mother than I want nothing to do with him or his f-ing plan!

In a bad place
Yes, I am in a bad place. I can't see my way out and the pain is unbearable.

And I am pretty sure this bad place must be hell!


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21 comments:

  1. So sorry for your pain, Michaela. You have been through so much! I'm just so proud of you for how hard you have tried... it WILL eventually pay off and you WILL be a mom!
    -Wendy

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  2. I'm so sorry. It's not fair. There is no explanation.

    I know we are in different places right now but I understand the 'bad place' from a different angle. My faith is seriously broken... I negotiated with God that I would 'try' if she came out of her last MRI with no strictures - which she did, but immediately went into the need for ROP surgery and then bloody stool, withheld feedings, etc. It felt like a bait & switch in my negotiation (which I know doesn't work in the first place). I just don't understand how he allows these things... it's just not right. *hugs*

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  3. I wish I had words of comfort, I wish I could take your pain away, from the bottom of my heart I wish I had the power to make you a mom. Thinking of you {hugs}

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  4. I feel for you. I know the pain of miscarriage. Of getting your hopes up only to be dashed. I admire your resilience and willingness to keep trying to follow your dream. As I am relatively new to your posts I don't know your complete history. Does your RE give you any explanations? Could you switch clinics and try a different route? These blogs are a great place to pour out our emotions. I'm so sorry for your pain. I hope that you get your sign sometime soon - either through adoption or pregnancy.

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    Replies
    1. Thank you!

      This is my 3rd clinic. I have a WTF appointment scheduled for Sept. 1st so we'll see.

      Thanks again Little One!!

      Delete
  5. So sorry, Michaela. I remember being in a similar bad place and it's not a place I would want my worst enemy to have to be. Hang in there. I hope that #13 is the one (it's my lucky number). I wish there was something else I could say or do to make it feel better. Thinking of you!!

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  6. I'm so sorry Michaela. You are an amazing and brave woman. Every single BFN or miscarriage rips a piece of your heart away. You will be a mother!!! I'm here for you! and I can completely understand your pain. lots of love and hugs ~Sri

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  7. Michaela honey, I am so sorry. I don't buy the crap about it being God's plan. I can't believe that it was God's plan for my baby to die either. I have no explanation for why things happen. I can only say that it sucks. I hope soon that the insanity ends with a child in your arms. Sending you lots of love and hugs.

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  8. I have to believe that there is no divine plan or else I'd probably just end up killing myself. Who would want to live in a universe created by such an unjust being?

    None of this is fair, Michaela. You shouldn't be going through this pain and I wish there was something I could do about it.

    *hugs*

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  9. Michaela,
    Your posts are truly me! Except, I believe that I am truly the only one who is left, wanting.... Matter of fact, FT, Single Sisters was a lifeline, but-ok- let me say 1st- I am not a monster- and I want other people to have miracles, that said- WTF! These people pop on right before they try and BAM- pregnant, sometimes with 2. Then, there posts are all about THEM, THEM, and a little more THEM added in. Never do they do personals. I get they are excited but come OOOOOOOOOOOONNNNN! So, i have had to step back from it- even though I found some very wonderful ladies on that site who have helped me cope. I sometimes wonder why in the hell I keep trying when in my heart I feel like- it is never gonna happen, look at the statistics, look at this, look at that.... but yet, I can't!! stop. So- your posts resonate with me so very much, in you I have found a kindred spirit. Which sucks for both of us- b/c I would much rather be kindred spirits over something good~

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    Replies
    1. HUGS!!!

      I do know what you mean about the board. I am pretty sure that it has completely lost it's purpose now. If I was a single gal looking for support that is not the place to go. Which is sad b/c it was for a long time.

      Delete
  10. I am so very sorry Michaela. I hope that either your adoption goes through or lucky number 13 is yours. It is just not fair. You have gone through way to much. Love Lisa oneforlis

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  11. I don't even know what to say except that you're in my thoughts.

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  12. I am so sorry you have to go through this amount of sh*t to get your baby, Michaela. It is not fair. 13 is my lucky number, I hope more than anything that it is for you, too. Huge hugs. LilyM1388 (from FT)

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  13. Eileen - IrishEyesonBabyAugust 25, 2012 at 8:54 PM

    I'm so sorry Michaela. I'm right there with you feeling like I'm the last one and sick of watching the others pass us by. I've been there in those really dark days. Hang in there and know that YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!

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  14. Ladies I can't thank you enough for all your support!!

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  15. Someone whogives a shitAugust 27, 2012 at 2:54 PM

    M,

    Can you please PLEASE PLEASEEEEEEEEE WTFFFF PLEASE Contact

    jbraverman@reproductiveimmunology.com

    www.preventmiscarriage.com

    You had great embryos.. Something else is going on It aint CNY.

    Email the guy get the tests done and please do it
    cause you are stressing me out cause I want you pregnant.
    SHIT

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  16. Someone who gives a shit,

    Yes I have contacted Dr. Braverman but you should know that I have NOT been going through all this w/o any form of testing.

    Apparently I know you b/c you know info that I have not blogged about.

    But I have had a full RPL panel, NKC testing and I have seen a thyroid specialist.

    So I will go see Dr. Braverman too but I'll make a bet with you that the tests come back clean like all the others ;)

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  17. Michaela - this sucks and I hate to hear it. :( I wish there was something I could say or do. I tried it all as you know and can say I can empathize but it doesn't make it suck any less. If there is anything I can do besides root for you in your corner, please let me know! - Raining

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  18. GGGGGGRRRRRRR I want to jump through the computer and give you a big HUG!!!! I can't help crying over this. I want you to get pregnant and your dreams to come true. I feel you are as stubborn as me and I WILL NOT GIVE UP!!!!! I have been told over and over to give up and I say NO!!! (((HUGS)))

    ReplyDelete

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