Sunday, November 18, 2012

From 0 to 100...

S.I.F had a post A 100 Years Older. In that post she quote a scene from Private Practice where the character Amelia says to a handsome doctor asking her out:

"You look at me like we're the same age and we could have fun. And I might have made the same mistake if I were you, but we're not the same age; I'm about 100 years older than I look.”

And wow isn't that true. Now to be honest I don't really watch too much Private Practice. I have seen it. But I am usually in bed before it comes on and I am NOT a DVR'er. I don't have the time. Really I could change this whole post into a post on:

Where the "F" do people find the time to:

Watch TV

And man it boggles my mind when bloggers can post more than 4 posts a month never mind those that do 20 an month!

How the fuck!!

Anyway this isn't a post about my poor time management.

It's a post about being 100 years older than I look...

I have always felt older. I always knew I was older than those in my age group.

I remember one time in acting class, I think I was around 21 years old at the time. I was watching a monologue that another girl was performing, she was 18 years old. And in the monologue she took this moment where she held her breathe and puffed out her cheeks and then let the air out in kind of "raspberry" when she released. I remember my acting teacher commenting on what a youthful and playful moment that was and all I could think was: "I was never that young".

I was never that young because even by the time I was 21 years old I was about a 100 years older than I looked.

I couldn't stand to be around 20 year olds when I was a 20 years old. Too's a shame I never really got to be immature and clueless...

Having gone through things (and we'll just leave it at "things") at a young age added those 100 years and  lead to many bad choices. Choices to try to remove those years.

Smoking, drinking, drugs...which in reality only added more  years as I struggled to pull myself out of the mess.

And when I finally did emerge, it was only to find out that it's too late...

Yes I am about a 100 years older than I look. I am about a 100 years older than I was this time last year.

On this day last year I was wheeled into an operating room for a D&C because my 2nd pregnancy had ended in miscarriage.

I aged a 100 years in that moment.

And now I am doing my 13th and FINAL cycle. With every cycle, every shot and especially every negative...I have aged a 100 years...

3 1/2 years since my first appointment with an RE...

Almost 2 years since my first miscarriage and exactly 1 year since my 2nd miscarriage...and boy have I aged...

As I sit in my adoption class discussing birthmothers...

I have to remind myself that I WILL be a mother.

I will be a mother but sadly that means someone else will end up aging a 100 years in order for me to do so.

But I just have to keep reminding myself...I will be a mother...13 could turn out to be lucky...I could get the call tomorrow...I will be a mother...

I just hope I don't age another 100 years before that day arrives.

Oh and I will also note that this is my 100 post!



  1. I too am much older than my chronological age. I don't think I was ever a kid. I agree that as each blow has happened it has aged us more. It sucks. I wish I could feel young and carefree and not worry about the consequences- but if wishes really meant anything, we'd both be moms already.

  2. I am sorry that you have experienced so much loss! IO hope that means you are due for a whole lot of weonderful soon!

    Here's hoping #13 is the lucky one!!

  3. Well said. You WILL be a Mother.

  4. I hear you. You will get there. I know it. Then you can join the club of older moms who look younger than they are, but feel every ... single ... year. I'll be thrilled to send you your membership card.



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