Truth and Consequences
The Truth...
You hear many women say...
Well, once they have crossed over the tumultuous land of "IF" that is riddled with trip wires and land mines and triumphantly make it to the other side...
You hear many women say whether they succeeded after 1 attempt, 2 attempts, 10 attempts...
The final word is...
That this is the baby I was meant to be a mother to...
That they wouldn't change a thing...
That they would go through it all over again...
That this is God's Plan....
I believe that they believe this is the truth.
I am sure that if I had succeeded in one of my 12 cycles or if I succeed on my 13th cycle that I might be saying all these things too...
They are exclamations of relief and justification for all that one has been through...
But...
But...the truth?
Although we might perceive it to be true...is it really true?
Is it even logical?
I mean think about it...
If you got success on your 1st cycle or your 12th cycle then what really is the difference?
The drawn out heartbreak and torture of each cycle.
That's really the only difference. The outcome is the same.
If you had success on your first cycle wouldn't you change it so that you didn't need to "cycle" at all?
Or change it so you wouldn't have to do 10 cycles?
If the outcome is the same so, really, truthfully...wouldn't you change the amount of torture that you had to endure?
I know I would.
I know if I could change it, I would make it so my first pregnancy didn't end in miscarriage.
I know that means I wouldn't have had the miracle of my 2nd pregnancy but...I would change it if I could... even if it meant losing those 8 magical weeks.
And I know some will say: "Well then it wouldn't be this baby?"
But why? Why wouldn't it be?
I believe that the soul that is "meant" to be with you keeps trying until they make it...in some form or another...
So in Truth I think that if I do finally have a successful pregnancy on my 13th cycle and welcome my baby into the world...I would change it...I would make it so that we were already together...
And Consequences...
But what if I don't have success on my 13th cycle and FINAL cycle.
What if my child comes to me some other way...
What if success comes in the form of adoption?
Would it then be:
This is the baby I was meant to be a mother to...
And I wouldn't change a thing...
I would go through it all over again...
And this is God's Plan...
As an adoptive parent in waiting, once a month I go to my adoption agency and I take classes. These classes are conducted by the social workers.
I cannot tell how much I learn in these classes. It is more than just knowledge. It is soul inspiring.
The topic of God's Plan did come up in one of our classes. It was mentioned by another adoptive parent in waiting who is trying to adopt her second child.
In a discussion about her first adoption all the "buzz" words came out...She said:
"I was meant to be this baby's mother"
And I smiled and nodded...it's such a nice thought even if I have trouble with the "meant to be" aspect of things...
"I wouldn't change a thing"
In my head all I could think of was: "Yeah right!"
"I would do it all over again"
Well evidently since you're here trying to adopt a 2nd!
Me personally I wish I could skip all the Infertility crap...maybe just be so zen about my adoption that I skipped cycling all together...
"It is God's Plan"
Hmmmmm???? I have never really been "sold" on the God's Plan thing...
And with that statement...right in that moment when I was battling in my head my own feelings and theories on God's Plan...the social worker put the brakes on and started a conversation about God's Plan.
What God's Plan means to a birthmother. And how hurtful saying it is God's Plan could actually be to a birthmother.
I never really thought about that...so God's Plan was to put this woman through hell in order for me to be a mother to her child.
Kinda hurtful don't you think...
It really puts the concept of God's Plan into perspective.
What did God give her the finger! Did God decide in some great scheme that she should suffer?
No I don't think so...
Well at least I don't think so anymore...
I mean to be perfectly honest maybe we should really stop and think about what we deem God's Plan or God's Will because in my book we are kinda making him look like an asshole.
Maybe instead we should say...
Our loving God created both of us and isn't it wonderful that in some miraculous way we were able to help each other....and that God's Plan is that we find these ways everyday...
Wow! I really love this. While I know that adoption will never be an option for me, I have always hated when people always sum up things as "God's plan." I know the hurtful things in our lives are not part of a plan of the God I know. I do think that God can help place us in communities and situations where we can meet wonderful people. I am so glad that I "met" you.
ReplyDeleteThanks MN!! It is the people met along the way that make the journey more bearable. I am glad I "met" you too!
DeleteKnowing what I know now, I wouldn't do it all over again. But I have learned a lot about myself and other people and I'm kind of torn because that's the part that I'm glad happened.
ReplyDeleteI know that I am a completely different person because of my journey. Mostly for the better. I am a better person but there's a little light or a spark that I no longer have...I think I wouldn't do it all over again just so I could keep that spark.
DeleteWhile I know i am in a very different place, this is something I have struggled with through infertility and especially since Ella was born. How in Heaven & on Earth could it be God's plan for my daughter to be born at 25 weeks, nearly die in NICU and face a lifetime of disability with the simple act of eating/nourishing herself (and whatever other disability we don't know about yet)? I want to smack every person who uses the term "God's Plan" in regards to Ella... she deserves more than what she's been handed. So do you!
ReplyDeleteI think of you and beautiful Ella often and all that you have been through. It is not fair and you both deserve more than what you've had to endure...
DeleteI love the line, "in my book, we're kinda making god look like an asshole" I had a conversation recently with my mom (a devout baptist) & she was telling me that god gives people cancer as a punishment for something they've done. I was flabbergasted!
ReplyDeleteHow does she explain children with cancer?
DeleteIf God does have a plan, I think it's more likely to be what you described in your last paragraph. Because if there is a God, I just can't accept one that would "plan" to take a mother's child from her and to cause countless other forms of suffering.
ReplyDeleteI agree...that's why I think we need to take that suffering into consideration before we start deeming it God's will...
DeleteYou've put into words something I've thought about a lot. God's Plan is that we'll all lean on Him when times are hard. That's his plan. (And I'd never ever thought about adoption from the adoptive mother's perspective quite like that before. Very powerful.)
ReplyDeleteIt's right up there with "Everything happens for a reason." Really? Really? No, it's that we can sometimes find something very good that came out of something bad.
This "I believe that the soul that is "meant" to be with you keeps trying until they make it...in some form or another..." is beautiful.
ReplyDeleteI struggle with "gods plan" so often. It just doesn't seem right, and I can't imagine that God really intends all the hurt that is caused.
I love the thought of ending up with the soul you were meant to be with. It brought tears to my eyes!
ReplyDeleteI always hated it when I had people tell me it must have been part of God's plan when I was suffering w/IF for over 8yrs. Yes, I finally succeeded but the battle left very deep scars and I still feel resentment whenever people mention everything was "meant to be."
I believe I have the child I was meant to but I could have done w/out the years of heart-wrenching pain and miscarriages.
I love this post, Michaela. I struggle with “God’s plan” too... a lot.
ReplyDelete