After my 1st miscarriage my only pray was: "Please God, please let me get pregnant again. Please"
I did 3 cycles with my own eggs and each cycle was a BFN. And the explanation...my eggs of course...they were crap!
But I knew...I KNEW I could get pregnant and I knew I would get pregnant again.
I moved on to donor eggs and my pray: "Please God, please let me get pregnant again." was answered. I was pregnant.
It never crossed my mind that I could miscarry again. I was sure donor eggs were the answer to my prayers. I mean after all I was told repeatedly that the only reason I miscarried the first time was because of my crap eggs.
And then the unthinkable happened. I miscarried again.
After my 2nd miscarriage, I changed my prayer. With every cycle I would pray: "Please God, don't let me miscarry again. I can't handle another miscarriage. I don't have the strength."
And with every cycle it was a BFN. I couldn't (and still can't) seem to get pregnant again.
That is really NOT what I meant by that prayer. What I meant was: "Please God let me carry a beautiful baby to term, give birth and have a healthy, happy child."
Of course there is a part of me that is thinking....hmmm...maybe God is answering my prayer. Maybe if I had succeeded in getting pregnant it would have ended in another miscarriage and that is why I have had so many failed cycles.
And really isn't it funny...for someone who is trying so desperately to say "He is not!"...I am giving him an awful lot of power aren't I!
But after so many failures, deciding to stop and then having the opportunity present itself to cycle one more time...and in my TTC addicted state jumping at the chance...my prayer changed....again...
"Please God, do not let me have another failed cycle. If this is not going to work don't have me go through it!"
And then I had delay, after delay, after delay...and then the appearance of Satan...and it kinda reminded me of this story:
God Will Save Me
A terrible storm came into a town and local officials sent out an emergency warning that the riverbanks would soon overflow and flood the nearby homes. They ordered everyone in the town to evacuate immediately.
A faithful Christian man heard the warning and decided to stay, saying to himself, “I will trust God and if I am in danger, then God will send a divine miracle to save me.”
The neighbors came by his house and said to him, “We’re leaving and there is room for you in our car, please come with us!” But the man declined. “I have faith that God will save me.”
As the man stood on his porch watching the water rise up the steps, a man in a canoe paddled by and called to him, “Hurry and come into my canoe, the waters are rising quickly!” But the man again said, “No thanks, God will save me.”
The floodwaters rose higher pouring water into his living room and the man had to retreat to the second floor. A police motorboat came by and saw him at the window. “We will come up and rescue you!” they shouted. But the man refused, waving them off saying, “Use your time to save someone else! I have faith that God will save me!”
The flood waters rose higher and higher and the man had to climb up to his rooftop.
A helicopter spotted him and dropped a rope ladder. A rescue officer came down the ladder and pleaded with the man, "Grab my hand and I will pull you up!" But the man STILL refused, folding his arms tightly to his body. “No thank you! God will save me!”
Shortly after, the house broke up and the floodwaters swept the man away and he drowned.
When in Heaven, the man stood before God and asked, “I put all of my faith in You. Why didn’t You come and save me?”
And God said, “Son, I sent you a warning. I sent you a car. I sent you a canoe. I sent you a motorboat. I sent you a helicopter. What more were you looking for?”
So really...what more am I looking for?
Maybe God truly was trying to answer my prayer but I kept pushing it.
Last week I finally went to transfer. Today I took an HPT and it was negative. I know it's early but I still have a sinking feeling this cycle has failed.
Being that I have failed my last 5 cycles (and this one will make 6), I am pretty sure I know what a failed cycle feels like...it feels like nothing and that is exactly what I feel...nothing...And sadly when I've had that feeling unfortunately I have never been wrong!
So did I blow it? Was God trying to answer my prayer and in my addicted persistence I blew it?
And now what?
In 5 days I go in for my beta...
What prayer will be answered? Or has it already been?