Monday, October 14, 2013

Never

nev·er
adv.
1. Not ever; on no occasion; at no time:
2. Not at all; in no way; absolutely not:

Sometimes I find myself just staring off into space with the word NEVER ringing in my head.

It's a cacophony of finality.

And all I can feel, see, hear, think...is that I am the woman that will NEVER have kids. I am no longer this woman full of dreams...this go getter that NEVER gives up...I am now the old spinster that NEVER had kids. The one that people whisper about...I am a pity stare.

Will I EVER be anything else?

I have done everything one can think of, spent every dime I have, and I can't have a baby. That hurts more than any words I could EVER type onto a computer screen.

I will NEVER have a baby.

Never...

I will NEVER have another positive pregnancy test.

Never...

I will NEVER have that perfect ultrasound and hear my baby's heartbeat.

Never...

I will NEVER feel my babies kick inside of me.

It's finality is deafening!

Never...

I will NEVER give birth.

Never...

With each failed cycle, each pregnancy and each loss a piece of me died. A piece that I will NEVER get back.
  
Never...

I will NEVER have a baby.

Never...

I will always carry this loss. It will NEVER go away.

Never...

I will NEVER be okay.

Never...

I just wish it wasn't so fucking final.

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8 comments:

  1. Oh michaela I'm sorry. What happened?

    But nothing in life is ever final... There are ways for you to become a mom. The other day I was talking to my mom about alternate options if what is going on now does not work. I said I would do donor eggs, and that disappointed her a lot. She said when you can help another living child, how can you want to create another one in its stead? I'm still thinking about what she said, and which route to take. Pregnancy is a path filled with such danger and stress that it holds little allure for me anymore.. I remember how happy I was during my first pregnancy and then I get sad.


    While it is not for everyone, I think adoption/fostering is tremendously significant. Creating a life is only one part. Nurturing and bringing up that life is, in my opinion, far more difficult, significant, and rewarding.

    Hope what I said helped, and did not make it worse.

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  2. I am so sorry you are in this space. This writing is profound.

    I'm not sure what has changed, if anything, but I am holding you in comforting thoughts.

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  3. I'm afraid there's nothing to say that will make it feel better right now. I'm just here, holding you in my heart.

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  4. How much you must be hurting, it's not fair. I'm sorry that this is your story. Thank you for your honesty

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  5. It seems so wrong that you are denied this dream....you are going to be a wonderful and amazing mother someday. Of that I have no doubt. It just really sucks that you aren't already a mom now.

    Sending you much love and hugs.

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  6. You a momma. Only a momma could hurt so deeply.

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  7. Michaela, it sucks that you are *stuck* this way. It's so unfair because you should already been a mom once way or the other. I have no fancy words but I am sending you lots of love.

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  8. Have you thought of going overseas to try? Look into Prague Ferrility Centre!!! They get it done!!!

    ReplyDelete

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