Sunday, October 27, 2013

I don't know what to do with my hands...

When I quit smoking I had no idea what to do with my hands.

I didn't know where to put them.

For years their job was to hold my cigarette.

To elevate that cigarette, ever so purposefully,  to my mouth...pause as I inhaled and then slowly lower it back down to my side.

For years ( and years) my hands had a purpose.

When I was no longer smoking my hands lost their purpose.

I didn't know what to do with them.

I would fidget, I'd pace.

I'd put them  in my pocket.

Take them out of my pocket

Put them back in my pocket.

Clasp my fingers.

Unclasp my fingers.

I would fidget, I'd pace.

I didn't know what to do with my hands.

When you do the same thing every month for over four years kinda get used to it.

It becomes automatic.

So what happens when it stops?

What happens when it's over?

What do you do with yourself?

This time it's not just my hands that seem to have lost their purpose... It's my whole being.

I don't know what to do with MYSELF.

Yes, I have a lot going on in my life.

I have a full time job.

I'm taking classes two nights a week and  I might even have a new man that I am seeing (wink! wink!).

But I don't know what to do with myself.

I don't know where to put my hands.

They should be popping a pill or giving myself a needle.

And that sentence...that sentence alone shows you how addicting cycling is...

Isn't funny that I am having trouble figuring out what to do.

If I'm not manipulating my body in some way to be a receptacle to pregnancy and life, then I don't know what I am doing?

I don't know how to live without cycling.

I can get up every morning, shower, go to work, go to school, shop, study, take out the trash, clean my condo, put on makeup, go out on dates...engage in everyday activities and feel like I'm not doing anything!

I'm not doing anything!

I've lost my purpose.

I have decided not to cycle anymore.  

It is not fair to any potential embryo. Those poor little babies are given the kiss of death by being placed into my uterus.  I will not be the reason they don't have a chance.

I am done but..

I feel misplaced. I should be doing something.

I have decided to focus completely on my adoption. To see it for the miracle that it truly is and devote my heart to it.

That's what I should have been doing this whole time.

Waiting is hard.

Waiting is not proactive.

Waiting makes me feel like...

I should be doing something.

While I am waiting, I don't know what to do with my hands...

I don't know what to do with myself...



  1. I personally find myself "speaking with my hands." It's so odd because I am not from a family which uses a lot of hand motions. As for the feeling of not "doing something," if you figure that out, please let me know. I hope your baby comes to you soon. sending lots of love!

  2. When I gave up on trying to adopt, I didn't know what to do with all the paperwork. I had mountains of information, books, and handwritten notes about agencies and countries that I was looking into adopting from. I also had a ginormous pile of paperwork that I had filled out, my applications and home study. It took me two years to realize what to do with it all....I shredded it, it wasn't a part of my life anymore in the way it had been before. Though all the information is out of my house, I still follow blogs, and adoption still weighs heavily in my heart. The time will come when you adjust to a different norm. I'm glad to hear you are still committed to the adoption process, and I wish you good luck on the journey!

  3. I don't know if you have any idea how often I think of you... pray for you, wish for you, and dream for you. Your miracle is coming my friend, I feel it in my bones. And I have no doubt that when adoption leads you to the child who was always meant to be yours, you will suddenly know EXACTLY what to do with yourself, and exactly where you belong... Until then though, I'm still praying. Because I know how difficult the limbo can be.

  4. Could you try to think of this waiting as time to heal? Cycling, with its insane stress and hormonal barrage is almost punishment. We go through with it because we have no choice. Now, this choice has given you a respite from this.

    After my second loss, when I was utterly preoccupied with how to continue with TTC. My mom yelled at me once, that there is more to life than
    Procreation. I did take a year off to just live life again instead of seeing it as a holding pattern between IUIs, and it helped me build my reserves.

    It's really hard believing and being optimistic. Nobody knows that better than me :) but your baby should be out there, and will come to you. With adoption, it seems more possible, all it seems to require is time.

    So try to see this time as a good thing? To build your financial, emotional, and physical reserves?

  5. When all the TTC options bring up more dread than excitement, when the waiting and putting things on hold gets unbearable ... maybe it IS time to move on, as awkward and empty as the in-between place feels. I felt very close to that point myself recently.

    I hope that -- along with the emptiness -- this decision also brings you some relief and space to pursue new dreams. Thinking of you...

  6. This post is so profound that I don't know what to say.

    Wishing you peace of mind and heart.

  7. Beautifully written. Hoping you find some peace.



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