When I
quit smoking I had no idea what to do with my hands.
I didn't
know where to put them.
For years
their job was to hold my cigarette.
To elevate
that cigarette, ever so purposefully, to
my mouth...pause as I inhaled and then slowly lower it back down to my side.
For years (
and years) my hands had a purpose.
When I was
no longer smoking my hands lost their purpose.
I didn't
know what to do with them.
I would fidget,
I'd pace.
I'd put them
in my pocket.
Take them
out of my pocket
Put them
back in my pocket.
Clasp my
fingers.
Unclasp my
fingers.
I would fidget,
I'd pace.
I didn't know
what to do with my hands.
When you
do the same thing every month for over four years straight...you kinda get used
to it.
It becomes
automatic.
So what
happens when it stops?
What
happens when it's over?
What do
you do with yourself?
This time
it's not just my hands that seem to have lost their purpose... It's my whole
being.
I don't
know what to do with MYSELF.
Yes, I
have a lot going on in my life.
I have a
full time job.
I'm taking
classes two nights a week and I might
even have a new man that I am seeing (wink! wink!).
But I
don't know what to do with myself.
I don't
know where to put my hands.
They
should be popping a pill or giving myself a needle.
And that
sentence...that sentence alone shows you how addicting cycling is...
Isn't
funny that I am having trouble figuring out what to do.
If I'm not
manipulating my body in some way to be a receptacle to pregnancy and life, then I
don't know what I am doing?
I don't
know how to live without cycling.
I can get
up every morning, shower, go to work, go to school, shop, study, take out the
trash, clean my condo, put on makeup, go out on dates...engage in everyday
activities and feel like I'm not doing anything!
I'm not
doing anything!
I've lost
my purpose.
I have
decided not to cycle anymore.
It is not
fair to any potential embryo. Those poor little babies are given the kiss of
death by being placed into my uterus. I
will not be the reason they don't have a chance.
I am done
but..
I feel
misplaced.
Lost...like
I should be doing something.
I have
decided to focus completely on my adoption. To see it for the miracle that it
truly is and devote my heart to it.
That's
what I should have been doing this whole time.
Waiting is
hard.
Waiting is
not proactive.
Waiting
makes me feel like...
I should
be doing something.
While I am
waiting, I don't know what to do with my hands...
I don't
know what to do with myself...
I personally find myself "speaking with my hands." It's so odd because I am not from a family which uses a lot of hand motions. As for the feeling of not "doing something," if you figure that out, please let me know. I hope your baby comes to you soon. sending lots of love!
ReplyDeleteWhen I gave up on trying to adopt, I didn't know what to do with all the paperwork. I had mountains of information, books, and handwritten notes about agencies and countries that I was looking into adopting from. I also had a ginormous pile of paperwork that I had filled out, my applications and home study. It took me two years to realize what to do with it all....I shredded it, it wasn't a part of my life anymore in the way it had been before. Though all the information is out of my house, I still follow blogs, and adoption still weighs heavily in my heart. The time will come when you adjust to a different norm. I'm glad to hear you are still committed to the adoption process, and I wish you good luck on the journey!
ReplyDeleteI don't know if you have any idea how often I think of you... pray for you, wish for you, and dream for you. Your miracle is coming my friend, I feel it in my bones. And I have no doubt that when adoption leads you to the child who was always meant to be yours, you will suddenly know EXACTLY what to do with yourself, and exactly where you belong... Until then though, I'm still praying. Because I know how difficult the limbo can be.
ReplyDeleteCould you try to think of this waiting as time to heal? Cycling, with its insane stress and hormonal barrage is almost punishment. We go through with it because we have no choice. Now, this choice has given you a respite from this.
ReplyDeleteAfter my second loss, when I was utterly preoccupied with how to continue with TTC. My mom yelled at me once, that there is more to life than
Procreation. I did take a year off to just live life again instead of seeing it as a holding pattern between IUIs, and it helped me build my reserves.
It's really hard believing and being optimistic. Nobody knows that better than me :) but your baby should be out there, and will come to you. With adoption, it seems more possible, all it seems to require is time.
So try to see this time as a good thing? To build your financial, emotional, and physical reserves?
When all the TTC options bring up more dread than excitement, when the waiting and putting things on hold gets unbearable ... maybe it IS time to move on, as awkward and empty as the in-between place feels. I felt very close to that point myself recently.
ReplyDeleteI hope that -- along with the emptiness -- this decision also brings you some relief and space to pursue new dreams. Thinking of you...
This post is so profound that I don't know what to say.
ReplyDeleteWishing you peace of mind and heart.
Beautifully written. Hoping you find some peace.
ReplyDelete