Saturday, April 16, 2011

Follow the yellow brick road

After my 2nd IVF cycle failed, the cycle where all the signs pointed to success, the cycle I knew I was going to pregnant on, the cycle that I am still in shock didn’t work…after that cycle…I made a decision to have a solid Alternate Path in place so that I could be prepared if IVF cycle 3 went up in flames too.

I had decided my Alternate Path would be adoption. Adoption is something I hold dear to my heart and something I have always prayed that I would someday be blessed to do. I always imagined myself having both biological and adopted children in one big beautifully meshed family. I smile as I type this because it is still a dream of mine.

So, I started researching adoption. I surfed the web, bought books, started reading adoption blogs, called agencies and on and on…I know adoption is a long, hard road so I wanted to be able to hit the ground running.

What I didn’t know (or realize) is all the restrictions on adopting. Not every country allows single women to adopt. Many have age restrictions and so on…but I knew I would find the perfect country for me to adopt from and I did…or should I say that country found me…

I know this is going to sound weird or corny but this is what happened.

One random Saturday I had just come inside after a run and I clicked on the TV. I am not a “big” TV watcher and in all honesty I can’t remember the last time I watched TV on a Saturday! Especially in the afternoon? So for whatever reason, I grabbed the clicker and clicked on.

I don’t know the name of the show that was on but it featured several Soap Opera stars on a mission to Africa. In the story they showed them on a safari and traveling to poverty stricken areas. I was mesmerized. The scenes were beautiful and haunting. I had to keep watching to see where they would go next. Where they went next is burned into my mind and resides in my heart. They went to a place called ABC which is The Abandoned Baby Center in Kenya.

You can read more about the amazing work The Abandoned Baby Center does here.

My research did not lead me to Kenya but led me to DR Congo in Africa and I fell in love. My research also led me to this blog and I found a huge source of information, honesty and advice.

Mind you, I was doing all of this on the heels of a devastating loss and trying to prepare myself for my next (and last) IVF cycle.

I was on a mission. A mission to push away the pain. A mission of protection. A mission to ensure I wouldn’t feel this way again. A mission to become a mom. A mission to be okay. A mission to find a purpose for all that I have been going through and I was certain that Africa was reason. Africa was my purpose.

I picked an agency for the adoption and a local agency for my homestudy. My Alternate Path was set! I reluctantly told my family of my path and as soon as I heard the words BFN, I was off. I wasn’t going to look back.

Until I heard those words…until it was a final and definite BFN…and then all of the sudden I couldn’t see the road in front of me…I couldn’t put one foot in front of the other…I couldn’t follow the yellow brick road…I was stuck…



  1. Michaela, I understand the confusion and torment of standing at this crossroads. Adoption experiences vary greatly but if you ever need to bounce ideas off of someone who knows the situation and tough decisions, please drop me a line!

    ~Masha (rainingsunshine)

  2. Michaela, it feels awful to be stuck. I hope that soon you will be unstuck and following whatever path is right for you. Love and hugs

  3. I relate to feeling stuck or unable to move. Sometimes I think it's caused by shock and other times I think it's because I haven't moved through the stages of grief that I need to (or so I've been told and read about). Sometimes I just think it's such a big leap that you have to ready yourself and take a few steps back in order to get up the emotional and physical speed required for such a leap (kind of like backing up in order to take a running jump). The bottom line is that this whole process is damn hard and you have to do what you feel is right when you feel it's right. Hang in there.

  4. I think this is what has happened to me with adoption too. I always thought it was an option. Always figured I would one day do it. Until it was the only thing left to do.

    I haven't been able to get back on that yellow brick road since...

  5. The options are overwhelming and terrifying, and nothing is a sure thing. Which really sucks, because adoption should be a SURE THING. There are babies out there who need mothers. There are mothers out there who need babies. Why is it so hard?



Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...