Friday, June 24, 2011

Groundhog Day


For those of you who remember the movie you know it’s a Romantic Comedy about a man who keeps reliving the same day over and over and over again until he finally gets it right…

I feel like I am stuck in my own Groundhog Day hell but instead of it ending with me finding the man of my dreams it ends with me forever stuck in a cycle where I don’t get pregnant.

This time last year, almost to the date I started my 1st IVF cycle after waiting months due to my miscarriage. I finally could cycle, got my period, started BCPs, started Lupron went in for my baseline and BOOM…I had a cyst.

Dr. Wow decided I should have the cyst aspirated and proceed with my cycle. I felt we should postpone the cycle and wait for the cyst to go away on its own. I aspirated the cyst and my cycle failed.

Flash forward and I wake up and I do it again. I haven’t cycled in a long time. I finally get my period. I start BCPs. I start Lupron. I get my baseline. And BOOM there’s cyst.

It’s like déjà vu all over again. I get this eerie feeling that every morning when I wake up…

I will get my period. I start BCPs. I start Lupron. I get my baseline. And BOOM there’s cyst.

And again when I wake up…

I will get my period. I start BCPs. I start Lupron. I get my baseline. And BOOM there’s cyst.

But this time will I proceed? Will the cycle fail?

It feels like the same thing over and over and the only thing that changes is my age!!

And doing the same thing over and over again isn’t that the definition of insanity.

Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. ~ Albert Einstein

Maybe I am insane. Maybe I am stuck repeating the same things over and over again. Maybe lightning will struck twice. What are the odds of that?? I can’t win the lotto where the odds are about the same as getting struck by lightning twice!

So I go for a follow up and yes, the cyst is still there but this time…this time…my cycle is cancelled.

I am devastated.

I almost feel like God is trying to tell me to give up.

But I won’t!

Because I won’t back down…you can stand me up at the gates of hell…and I won’t back down.

But now…now…

I have to wait for my period. Then I will start BCPs. I will start Lupron and I will get my baseline.

And I will pray that I can get out of this Groundhog Day hell and finally get it right!


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10 comments:

  1. Sweetie, I hope that everything moves smoothly this time- no cysts, no other problems, and that the little embryos are able to stick around. Hoping and praying with you!

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  2. Aargh! That sounds so incredibly frustrating. I am so sorry you have to play the waiting game. I'm glad you are not giving up. Hang in there!

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  3. Very well written! I can relate to what you describe. I often compare this ongoing TTC cycle (after cycle after cycle) to Groundhog day... and often think about the definition of insanity. I hope that, although very disappointing, the cancelled cycle leads to getting it right the next time!

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  4. How frustrating!!! Hang in there, eventually it will change! (And thanks for all the support lately on my blog!)

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  5. Yes...dig in with that determined attitude and it will go well. NO more Groundhog's Day!

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  6. Ugh! So sorry. I had several cycles cancelled due to cysts. It sucks. But I'm wondering about your RE's reasons for using lupron with you. I've never heard of women your (our) age cycling with lupron or even birth control pills, as it will oversuppress our ovaries. The most common protocol for poor responders and women over a certain age is an antagonist protocol, using ganirelix to prevent early ovulation.

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  7. I'm sorry to hear this. It sucks that even though we get used to these things they get harder each time.

    Hang in and keep fighting.

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  8. That sucks that the path you are currently traveling is giving you Deja Vu, but I am fervently hoping that you wake up one morning to a BFP!

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  9. I'm so sorry, sweetie. I've often thought that this journey is very reminiscent of Groundhog Day. It SUCKS to have to relive the same nightmare over and over again.

    Hang in there. I hope that you are nearing the end of this vicious cycle.

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