I think the worst part of infertility is questioning whether or not I would be a good mother. Or, even worse, questioning whether or not I want to be a mother at all…
I never questioned it before.
Before infertility...
I knew I wanted to be a mom.
And I knew I wanted to be a good mom.
So, I patiently waited until I felt the time was right.
I don’t want to be one of those mothers whose children got in the way of their partying.
I want to be the kind of mother who lived, learned, moved forward and taught those lessons to my children.
I don’t want to be one of those mothers whose children exasperated, exhausted or irritated them.
And although there will be many times my children will do all 3 simultaneously, I want to be the kind of mother whose children exhilarate her.
I don’t want to be one of those mothers whose children make them old.
I want to be the kind of mother whose children make me young and full of life.
I don’t want to be one of those mothers whose children got in the way of their plans.
I want to be the kind of mother whose plans are raising her children.
I don’t want to be one of those mothers whose children are a burden.
I want to be the kind of mother who gladly carries the weight of this tremendous responsibility and gift with as much dignity as I can muster on 3 hours sleep.
I don’t want to be one of those mothers whose children “ruined” their lives.
I want to be the kind of mother whose life was enriched by her children.
So I patiently waited, knowing in my heart that I would embrace motherhood.
But I waited too long.
And now…
After infertility…
After infertility there are these thoughts. Thoughts that creep in, in the middle of the night.
The ones that question my ability to be a mother and even more terrifying are the ones that question my desire.
When the idea of not being a mother brings me to my knees…
When the passing thought of living a life childless takes the breath right out of me and wounds my soul without it even being a fact…
When those truths consume me and push me forward I still in the darkest reaches of my mind wonder if...that, maybe, just maybe due to the sheer fact that this has not happened for me at an earlier point in my life or due to the fact that this last year and a half has not produced a viable pregnancy, that maybe, deep down I don’t want to be a mom. Maybe that is the reason.
And that is something I would NEVER even contemplate before…before infertility.
Could it be? Even though these thoughts cripple me?
I know that they are just things that go bump in the night. Things that terrify you.
And even though at times, in the quiet of the night before sleep grasps me and darkness starts to cloud my mind, I have these thoughts, I know that in the light where dreams live, I do not believe the lies of Infertility. I believe in the dream. I believe that I am meant to be a mother. My desire to be a mom is in my soul. It is a part of me. It is a part of my thoughts, my prayers, my breath, my heart and my being. It is in the light, in the dream that I know it will be…
I have to keep reminding myself that these thoughts are just a byproduct of infertility.
That no matter how many times they go bump in the night, these fears will fade and I will once again be strong when morning comes.
And through all the questioning and self doubt, I realize…
I am already a mother, still waiting for and missing her children…
Poor you.
ReplyDeleteTrust that your heart KNEW what it was doing when you started this journey. Your heart knew once, and it will know it again, over and over.
This journey is enough to screw with anyone. Have faith in yourself and your past, even if you have doubts in your present.
Hang in there!
This is a beautiful post.. thank you for sharing. You will be a mom... Please don't give up. Hugs.
ReplyDeleteThese are things we should not have to contemplate... but because of our struggles these terrible thoughts make their way in making everything all the more difficult. And the longer we struggle to have a child, the shorter the attention span/patience of our friends who were once our cheerleaders, now they are tired of hearing about our struggles. Struggling is NOT fair!
ReplyDeleteWonderful post Michaela. These exact thoughts have kept me up nights too. The thought of never being a mother in the traditional sense makes my blood run cold and in an instant, removes all of my will for living life. This living nightmare will most likely haunt me the rest of my days, even if I do get to become a mother. Infertility sucks like that.
ReplyDeleteIF is pretty toxic. But you're mindset is not the cause. Your mind knows it, your heart needs to remember it.
ReplyDeleteMichaela, I would like to share some things with you. First, I don't think you should label yourself as "infertile" (you describe yourself that way often). You are someone, like a LOT of women, who, because of circumstances beyond your control (e.g. not meeting the right man), is trying to have a baby after 40, which concededly, gets harder than if you were 20 (although it can absolutely still happen). That does not make you "infertile"... Society has placed a negative, depressing undertone to that word, and I don't think you should define yourself that way.
ReplyDeleteSecond, I have had the same thoughts that you have, and like you also thought that b/c it hadn't happened for me naturally, with a husband, at the right age, etc., it must be that God didn't see me as a mother and that God must know what he is doing, which is a very self-defeating thought to have. But the reality is, that if you are on this quest to be a mother, it's because you do desire it (even though you have enough presence of mind to be scared about it at the same time, cause it's not easy at all!) and so don't let the natural fears about becoming a mom confuse you as to your true heart's wish.
If you do change your mind about it, which you are absolutely entitled to, I don't think it would manifest as a fear, but more as a calm release of what you thought you previously wanted.