Wednesday, June 1, 2011
Things that go bump in the night...
I think the worst part of infertility is questioning whether or not I would be a good mother. Or, even worse, questioning whether or not I want to be a mother at all…
I never questioned it before.
I knew I wanted to be a mom.
And I knew I wanted to be a good mom.
So, I patiently waited until I felt the time was right.
I don’t want to be one of those mothers whose children got in the way of their partying.
I want to be the kind of mother who lived, learned, moved forward and taught those lessons to my children.
I don’t want to be one of those mothers whose children exasperated, exhausted or irritated them.
And although there will be many times my children will do all 3 simultaneously, I want to be the kind of mother whose children exhilarate her.
I don’t want to be one of those mothers whose children make them old.
I want to be the kind of mother whose children make me young and full of life.
I don’t want to be one of those mothers whose children got in the way of their plans.
I want to be the kind of mother whose plans are raising her children.
I don’t want to be one of those mothers whose children are a burden.
I want to be the kind of mother who gladly carries the weight of this tremendous responsibility and gift with as much dignity as I can muster on 3 hours sleep.
I don’t want to be one of those mothers whose children “ruined” their lives.
I want to be the kind of mother whose life was enriched by her children.
So I patiently waited, knowing in my heart that I would embrace motherhood.
But I waited too long.
After infertility there are these thoughts. Thoughts that creep in, in the middle of the night.
The ones that question my ability to be a mother and even more terrifying are the ones that question my desire.
When the idea of not being a mother brings me to my knees…
When the passing thought of living a life childless takes the breath right out of me and wounds my soul without it even being a fact…
When those truths consume me and push me forward I still in the darkest reaches of my mind wonder if...that, maybe, just maybe due to the sheer fact that this has not happened for me at an earlier point in my life or due to the fact that this last year and a half has not produced a viable pregnancy, that maybe, deep down I don’t want to be a mom. Maybe that is the reason.
And that is something I would NEVER even contemplate before…before infertility.
Could it be? Even though these thoughts cripple me?
I know that they are just things that go bump in the night. Things that terrify you.
And even though at times, in the quiet of the night before sleep grasps me and darkness starts to cloud my mind, I have these thoughts, I know that in the light where dreams live, I do not believe the lies of Infertility. I believe in the dream. I believe that I am meant to be a mother. My desire to be a mom is in my soul. It is a part of me. It is a part of my thoughts, my prayers, my breath, my heart and my being. It is in the light, in the dream that I know it will be…
I have to keep reminding myself that these thoughts are just a byproduct of infertility.
That no matter how many times they go bump in the night, these fears will fade and I will once again be strong when morning comes.
And through all the questioning and self doubt, I realize…
I am already a mother, still waiting for and missing her children…