I wanted out of the game!
That horrible game of chance.
That impossible game of trying to conceive.
I didn't want one more inning of shots, blood work, ultrasounds, transfers, negative pregnancy tests.
Or even worse, a positive pregnancy test followed by another miscarriage.
I wanted it to be over. Game Over!!
I focused on different route. One that would surely lead me to motherhood. Adoption. My adoption.
I put my energy, strength, emotions and pride into completing my homestudy.
And I did. And I couldn't be happier and I couldn't be prouder.
And I tried not to think of the game.
I tried so hard to stay out of the game.
But trying to conceive is like being in the Mafia. Once you are in, you can't get out.
And once you think you are finally out...it pulls you back in.
Back into the game.
But unlike the Mighty Casey, I have no confidence. I am sure that I am going to strike out.
I am after all Whiffer!
But somehow I am still playing the game.
I have (well had) 8 frozen embryos left.
And I find myself in a familiar position. Down to my last out.
FET #1 - Done immediately after my miscarriage. Transferred 3 embryos. BFN. Strike 1!
FET #2 - I actually started feeling a little like Mighty Casey. I started feeling like I couldn't lose. I did everything one could think of to ensure success on this cycle. Every test, additional shots, added this, that, and the other thing. I was confident that it had to work. Transferred 2 PERFECT embryos. Swing and miss! BFN!
FET #3 - Cycling with my last 3 embryos.
I am starting to feel like that little girl in her back yard that couldn't hit the ball if Cousin Bb was pitching.
I can almost hear the other kids voices rising with the chant of "Whiffer! Whiffer! Whiffer!"
TTC is really Cousin Bb getting ready to throw it's last pitch of the game and I, whether I stand tall like Mighty Casey or get all nervous like that little girl in that faraway backyard, I know that the pitch is coming and it will be Game Over.
But...
Will there be joy in Mudville?
Or just another swing of Whiffer's bat?
You're right. There is something addictive about TTC. It's hard to break away. You are in my thoughts. I'm glad to hear from you.
ReplyDeleteI was starting yo wonder if you were coming back to give us an update. I am off to get hooked up with the shots for the first time next week. Scared to death it's not going to work.
ReplyDeleteYou are in my thoughts... I want so badly for this to be the one for you! Please keep us updated and I'd love to catch up so call me when you get a chance!
ReplyDeleteI love you!!!
xoxoxoxo
I can almost hear the crack of that homerun....hoping hard with you.
ReplyDeleteReally hoping that this is the one that gives you your homerun! I'm supporting and rooting you on every step!
ReplyDeleteWow, what an amazing metaphor for such a long journey of ups and downs. Wishing you lots of sticky baby dust. All it takes is just one little embryo.
ReplyDeleteHoly cow!! Did you know that tomorrow is Dance Like a Chicken Day and that Tuesday is National Chocolate Chip Day? Dancing like a chicken and chocolate chips are only like two of the greatest things on God's great earth!!!! I'm so thankful they don't happen to fall on the same day though. I'm sure that if I tried to enjoy chocolate chip goodies, while dancing like a chicken, tragedy would ensue! Oh, but what a way to go......
ReplyDeleteThought you could use a laugh!!! (((Hugs)))
Sending good thoughts your way. (((hugs)))
ReplyDeleteFrom the bottom of my heart, thinking & hoping & praying for success for you.
ReplyDeleteTTC like the mafia. So true! I am praying for you and those 3 embryos. It can happen. I know it's hard to keep the faith at this point in your journey, but try to hang on to that smallest bit. You are so due your turn. Hugs.
ReplyDeleteOh, Michaela! I hesitate to comment. I know it can be hard to hear from those who've "crossed over." But I want you to know that I want this so much for you, and you are often in my thoughts. xoxo
ReplyDeleteIts so good to hear an update, and all of my positive thoughts are with you. Praying for that homerun!
ReplyDelete