Saturday, May 12, 2012
Casey's at Bat...
I wanted out of the game!
That horrible game of chance.
That impossible game of trying to conceive.
I didn't want one more inning of shots, blood work, ultrasounds, transfers, negative pregnancy tests.
Or even worse, a positive pregnancy test followed by another miscarriage.
I wanted it to be over. Game Over!!
I focused on different route. One that would surely lead me to motherhood. Adoption. My adoption.
I put my energy, strength, emotions and pride into completing my homestudy.
And I did. And I couldn't be happier and I couldn't be prouder.
And I tried not to think of the game.
I tried so hard to stay out of the game.
But trying to conceive is like being in the Mafia. Once you are in, you can't get out.
And once you think you are finally out...it pulls you back in.
Back into the game.
But unlike the Mighty Casey, I have no confidence. I am sure that I am going to strike out.
I am after all Whiffer!
But somehow I am still playing the game.
I have (well had) 8 frozen embryos left.
And I find myself in a familiar position. Down to my last out.
FET #1 - Done immediately after my miscarriage. Transferred 3 embryos. BFN. Strike 1!
FET #2 - I actually started feeling a little like Mighty Casey. I started feeling like I couldn't lose. I did everything one could think of to ensure success on this cycle. Every test, additional shots, added this, that, and the other thing. I was confident that it had to work. Transferred 2 PERFECT embryos. Swing and miss! BFN!
FET #3 - Cycling with my last 3 embryos.
I am starting to feel like that little girl in her back yard that couldn't hit the ball if Cousin Bb was pitching.
I can almost hear the other kids voices rising with the chant of "Whiffer! Whiffer! Whiffer!"
TTC is really Cousin Bb getting ready to throw it's last pitch of the game and I, whether I stand tall like Mighty Casey or get all nervous like that little girl in that faraway backyard, I know that the pitch is coming and it will be Game Over.
Will there be joy in Mudville?
Or just another swing of Whiffer's bat?