Friday, June 29, 2012


WTF is a phrase that usually denotes some form of speechlessness. I mean really, what sentence follows "What the Fuck"? Usually nothing. Speechless.


My WTF consult after my 3rd failed FET in a row, pretty much lived up to its name.


My RE, not Dr. Wow, but my new RE who I have now done 4 cycles with...

Wait I just realize that I haven't given him a name.

He's not Dr. Doom or his partner Dr. Darth Vader, not even close. He is too sweet for those names. He's not Dr. Period who turned into Dr. Bumbles. He's very professional  and he is not my Dr. Wow even though I might have just as big of a crush on him as I do have on Dr. Wow. what does that say about me if the only doctors I ever seem to get crushes on happen to be my REs?

I only get crushes on doctors that are looking at my "cookie"?

My crush meter only goes off on the "downtown" doctor!


See what I mean!


What does one say after that?

I am not even going to begin to psychoanalyze that!

Anyway my new RE who I will call Dr. new RE called me to go over my last failed FET and he basically said he had no idea why I didn't get pregnant.

He feels that I should have gotten pregnant and that over his years of experience as an RE the one thing that he sees that really ensures success is persistence.


Are you kidding me?

You are talking to the woman who has done 11 cycles!


And I truly feel like I can't do one more cycle.

One more failed cycle might be the end of me.

But then Dr. Sunshine offers me a really great opportunity to do just that; one more cycle.

And just like the Godfather: it's an offer I can't refuse.


I am dreading doing another cycle.

The thought fills me with anxiety and pain.

But I know that the only thing that would stop me from doing this next cycle, this LAST cycle would be if my adoption would come through.

So I started praying for that.

Every night I would pray for my adoption to come through so I wouldn't have to do another cycle.

And you know what happened...

Drum roll please...

My cycle has been delayed!  And I am not sure if it's even  going to happen now.


That is NOT what I was praying for!

And now pregnancies are popping up everywhere!

The boards and blogs are on fire with BFPs.

Just about everyone is pregnant, including Adele.

Which of course fills my heart with that familiar ache and now all I want to do is cycle.


Everything has just been leaving me speechless lately.

Everything has been leaving me saying WTF!

So when the Itch Scratcher called me the other day wanting to "hang out", really what was there left to say but sure, why not and WTF.

And hey, the kind of speechless the Itch Scratcher  leaves me might be just what the RE ordered!



  1. It really sucks! Fertility is a friggin' confusing thing which really screws with someone's mind.

  2. Michaela, you know I think you will be the best mom ever. Whether that's with Dr. Sunshine or with a child that comes into your family from adoption (or both?!) I can't wait to see you become that mom!

    In the meantime - woohooo for Itch Scratcher!

  3. I am sorry everything sucks again. I'm right there with you. I decided to go to Czech republic to do egg donor transfer do to the fact I have no more eggs. :'( If dr sunshine wants to do this again with you I would sugest having a Intralipid Infusion one week before transfer. I have a friend that has been trying for more than 10 years and is pregnant with twins now. If he can't do the infusion than make an appt with an arthritis dr they can do it. I hope you get your dreams come true.

  4. Michaela,
    Your posts usually hit me so intensely that I have to think about it and realize- wait, she is not talking about me.... So often I am left speechless- exactly like you said- WTF!?!?! I wish I had advice that would have you reading it and all of a sudden know what the best way to go is- or feel better, but- as you know- I don't. I don't even know WTF I am doing or should do. But, that said, you are in my prayers, and I think of you often.

  5. Ack! WTF indeed...enjoy getting your itch scratched.

  6. Thinking about you and missing you... I hope your prayers are answered soon. Love you!

  7. Hi

    I have read your blog for a while. I hope you get success and find your baby soon. I have also gone through the same thing. I found in addition to my RE an Immunologist RE. His name is Dr. Braverman. They run your blood and find out exactly what is wrong with you and monitor you through the first semester. Instead of having NO answers you will get answers. Give it a shot. Maybe during your delay.. you can have this done. His website is

    love love love and we are all cheering for you..



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