EXPOSED – No shoes, No shirt, No service…It’s funny,they never said anything about no pants!

I said to a friend the other day while talking about my journey:

“I’ve had so many people looking at my whoo-haa over the last year, I don’t even know why I bother showing up with pants on”

Of course we laughed but then it got me thinking about how I was at the beginning of this journey and how I am now. Who I talked to and who I kept it a secret from, the hours I cried, the constant doctor visits, the rollercoaster of emotions, how I was completely devastated after my first doctor (I call him Dr. Doom) diagnosed me with DOR (diminished ovarian reserve) and said to me “You have a practically 0% chance of conceiving with your own eggs” and how unbelievably ecstatic I was to prove him wrong and get pregnant on my 4th IUI (Intrauterine Insemination or Artificial Insemination. I promise to get an acronym list up soon!). From my miscarriage which no words can express how painful that loss is to my renewed hope b/c of Dr. Wow and IVF, from how I am right now full of fight and determination compared to how I felt 2 weeks ago feeling completely lost when my first IVF cycle failed.

Even my sheer modesty at the beginning is somewhat laughable. I remember changing in the bathroom for one of my exams, of course this was at the beginning of my journey, and carefully wrapping the ever so popular (and flimsy) pink paper (I don’t know what you call it) sheet (?) around my waist so that absolutely every part of me below the waist was covered. I placed the opening to the side so that the “private parts” my butt and whoo-haa where completely covered and I then (without thinking) quickly bent down to pick up my clothes off the bathroom floor and RIPPPPP!!! Yup, ripped the whole back out of my lovely pink, paper sheet and now my a&% was getting cold and if I tried to turn the sheet around my whoo-haa would be saying hello! And as I walked out of the bathroom to the exam table I was still trying to hold up this tattered piece of paper to make sure everything was covered! Today, me today…I don’t even bring the pink doily (yup I now call it a doily b/c that thing keeps getting smaller and smaller or my a&% is getting bigger and bigger but that’s another story)…I don’t even bring the pink doily into the bathroom with me anymore. I go in, pee, strip, come out (naked from the waist down…oh how I hate that phrase), sit on the edge (cause you always have to be on the very edge) of the table and just drape my pink doily over my lap. No muss no fuss and to be quite honest it would even bother me if someone accidently walked in while I was exposing myself from the waist down as I sauntered from the bathroom to the exam table. They are going to get a very up close and personal view of my downtown area soon enough…so why bother. And you see, that’s kinda the point. Over the last couple of months I have told everyone about my journey. It started with a video to Oprah and I figured if you are trying to put something on Oprah the whole world is going to find out sooner or later anyway. So, I put it on Facebook and I started a blog and boy does that feel good. I’m walking around with no pants on and I’m enjoying every minute of it. The questions don’t bother me. If I can help someone along the way then ask away!!

So, the bottom line is (yes, pun intended!)I’ve exposed myself in so many ways over the last couple of months that it’s refreshing to be able to saunter around with your pants off than trying to carefully cover everything up.



PS - For those of you who haven’t seen my Oprah video…here’s a link! My Oprah Video

Recap of the last few days: A fortune teller, Dr. What?, Dr. Wow, and a Speedo!

This post is going to be a somewhat long in order for me to give you a little recap of what’s been happening over the last few days…

“The last time we saw our caped crusader…” It can’t be crusaders b/c I haven’t found my partner in crime (or should I say crime fighting) yet…“The last we saw our caped crusader. She put on the perfect dress and headed off to an Arabian Nights party”

What did the fortune teller say?

So, at V’s Arabian Nights party she had this fortune teller there and I decided to get a reading. The fortune teller read your crystals, tarot cards and palm. While she was reading my crystals it came out that I was TTC so she told me which crystal I needed to get to help with getting pregnant. Now for all you TTC ladies it's Howlite in case you were screaming at the computer screen “I need that crystal too! She’d better not withhold that information!” :) So then the fortune teller went on to read my tarot cards. Now for those of you who don’t know, I also read the tarot cards (and yes, I will read yours but you have to come to NJ) so I always really scrutinize a tarot card reading.Well she definitely set out her cards differently than I do and she has a mixture of tarot cards and angel cards in the deck. As she started flipping over each card she first said October, then she said October 18^th and then she said male…wide eyed I’m still looking at her. She gathers all the cards together and says that I will find out that I am pregnant on October 18^th and it will be a boy….WOW!! I have never had a fortune teller be that specific with at date!! But the WOW factor was about to double when she started reading my palm. She said the usual “Life Line, Love Line stuff” and then she was looking at the area between my thumb and pointer finger. You know that stretchy, mushy area and she kept moving my thumb from side to side and then said to me "It looks like one of your ovaries isn't working" Double WOW! There is no way should could know that I was having no response (plus cysts) on my left ovary and then she also said that she feels that I will get pregnant once that ovary starts working again...Triple WOW b/c the cycle I got pregnant on is the only cycle that I produced on my left side....how weird is that!! Well, now I have to tell my Herbalist/Acupuncturist he needs to work on my left ovary.

Which brings me to Dr. What?

I decided to look into adding herbs to my TTC supplement regime. I went to a man who is a 5^th generation Taoist. Needless to say there is something about really old Chinese men that make you think they hold all the answers. I am very pleased with Dr. Wang. What? His name is Dr. Wang…tee hee...tee hee! I know it’s juvenile but I can’t help giggling at his name. I posted this on the Fertile Thoughts board and one of the other girls writes back that her RE’s name is Dr. Cummings!! LOL!! Okay so now I’m really giggling like an 8^th grader! So I decided whenever this journey starts to get me down, all I will do is think “Wang and Cummings!” And the first place I will put that to use will by my appointment with Dr. Peters (formerly known as Dr. Wow but I am waiting for the results of my meeting with him to decide whether or not he has regained that title)!

My meeting with Dr. Wow…and yes, he’s regained the title!

The meeting with Dr. Peters was good. I have to say even though I kept repeating the mantra “Wang and Cummings” I was still angry when I walked into that meeting. After going through one month, 44 shots and an ER (egg retrieval), only to have the cycle fail before I even got an ET (egg transfer) was devastating! I felt robbed and I was going to let Dr. Peters know that! Well, we did have the 3 day vs 5 day transfer debate and he still strongly feels that the only way to go is with the 5 day transfer even though none of my embryos made it for a 5 day transfer. Just a little “411”, 5 day transfers are considered risky b/c there is a chance none of the embryos will make it and of course mine didn’t. I am a poster child for Murphy’s Law. I of course argued that we should have done a 3 day transfer and he still strongly believes that if they had transferred on day 3 I wouldn’t have gotten pregnant. But in the end he said he will do a 3 day transfer for me next time. Then he went on to say that he felt my cycle was good for my age and FSH levels. He said that a lot of times they have a hard time even getting 2 eggs from women with my stats so that made me happy. He felt that I should definitely try again and went on to say how his goal is to get me pregnant. Once again that made me very happy! We are going to try again in the September cycle. I wanted to start in August but he said they like you to have 1 full period before starting again and they don't count the period you get right after the ER and ET... he feels that isn't a real period since it's basically from all the meds...I guess it's good b/c you can clean your body out. I will call them when I get my period in August and they will then put my on BCPs (birth control pills) and schedule my cycle. It is making me a little crazy and a little sad that I can't start right away but I am going to trust Dr. Wow...there's just something about him that's so comforting and I just think he's amazing. Hmmm...I might have a little crush!

Up at the pool swimming laps…Holy Wang I didn’t see that Cumming!!!

After a long weekend, emotional meeting and work (yes, in the middle of all this I still find time to work) I decided to head up to the pool and swim some laps. As I was gliding back and forth across the length of the pool I started thinking about the fortune teller and what she said about October, my crush on Dr. Wow and my cycle in September and started to realize that if I cycle in September than it wouldn’t be until the first week or two of October that I would find out if I’m pregnant….What? Could that be true? Could the fortune teller be right? As I put 2 and 2 together I surface from under the refreshing blue water to see a man standing in front of me at the edge of the pool and no, this isn’t the movies, so it wasn’t the man of my dreams, or Dr. Wow the man of my crush…it was a really old man with leathery tanned skin in a speedo! And all I could think of was “Wang and Cummings!”

Arabian Nights

My dear friend V had a party yesterday in celebration of her 1 year anniversary. Now what you don’t know about V is that she doesn’t just have a party, picnic or bbq. No, not V, she goes all out. Her parties have a theme, games, events, costumes and acts. So, yesterday’s party was no different. It was an event. The theme was Arabian Nights and there were harem girls, a henna artist, a fortune teller, a hookah and belly dancing! I told you it was an event!

So as I was deciding what to wear, digging through my closet, pretty much vetoing everything b/c of the extra weight I’ve gained courtesy of fertility treatments, I saw, neatly tucked away in the back of my closet, the blue handkerchief dress my sister had given me for my birthday last year. Beautiful dress, appropriate for the party, definitely fits the theme…but should I wear it? Could I wear it? I thought no, no I can’t, I can’t wear that dress and once again, I neatly tucked it into the back of my closet and continued my vetoing session. No, no, no, no, no! UGGHHHH!! There has to be something in here that I can wear that would be perfect for an Arabian Nights party. Why, yes, yes there is something perfect to wear to an Arabian Nights party and that something is the blue handkerchief dress. I reached into the back of the closet and pulled out the dress again. I held it up, gently pressing it against my body and imagined what I would have looked like in that dress if I had actually been able to wear that dress to the one party that I had planned on wearing to: My Baby Shower.

As soon as I found out I was pregnant (that was in February), me and my sister started planned everything; including my baby shower. Since my due date was in October we decided the baby shower would be in August. I immediately decided that I would be wearing the blue handkerchief dress with my dragonfly necklace and matching earrings. I couldn’t wait! I would picture myself in that dress with a big belly and even bigger boobs walking (or should I say waddling) into my baby shower. It was the most perfect picture in my mind. I couldn’t imagine being any happier or wearing anything else. But that baby shower would never happen. I miscarried in March. I thought about wearing that dress to my cousin’s wedding in April but it was too soon so, I tucked the dress neatly into the back of my closet and that’s where it has taken up residency until yesterday. As I stood there holding that dress in front on my body imagining my beautiful belly and of course giant boobs, I started molding the dress against my real body, my normal belly and somewhat smallish boobs and realized that yes, I can wear this dress. I pulled the dress over my head, tied the halter top behind my neck, went to my jewelry box and pulled out my dragonfly necklace and matching earrings and put them on. I slowly walked over to the mirror and much to my surprise I saw me, not the pregnant me I imagined but just me and I felt good. I felt pretty. And somewhere in the back of my mind I saw the pregnant me, with my beautiful, big belly and even bigger boobs waddling into my baby shower wearing the perfect dress and I smiled because I can’t wait for that day. And b/c I know my good friend V is going to throw one hell of a baby shower.

Is it written in the stars?

After I was done posting my very first blog entry I went on my Yahoo page and read my horoscope. WOW!!

“A personal issue that was recently pretty stormy turns the page and becomes rather sweet just when you were ready to give up. It's a pleasant surprise, but it's also quite timely -- you were just about ready to turn your back on fate and make a hasty choice. Everything has finally come together in a way you would never have seen coming -- but you're quite happy with the results.”

WOW AGAIN!! Could this really be true? I had pretty much given up on “Fate”, “Destiny” and “Meant to be” a long time ago…is a reversal of fortune written in the stars? And what personal situation could it be referring to?

Could it be the love of my life finally makes an appearance when I have completely given up? It would then make that old adage true, the one that has been repeated to me by many…friends and family alike…the one, that I might add, which is completely annoying…the ever so popular “When you least expect it “ or it’s cousin “When you’re not looking”. When people would say those infuriating phrases to me I used to wonder where would I have to be and what I would be doing to be “least expecting it”…what would I have to be on the toilet? In the shower? Well I certainly wouldn’t be expecting it then or looking! So are my two least favorite sayings about to come true?

Or, for those of you that don’t know, I’ve submitted an audition tape to Oprah and haven’t heard anything, so I’ve pretty much given up. Could it be that Oprah is about to call me saying that my video made it to the finals!! Now that would be a pleasant surprise!

Or, again for those of you that don’t know, I recently had a completely disastrous and devastating IVF cycle which left me without a transfer (this still brings me to tears), could it be that my meeting with Dr. Wow on Monday will yield positive results with him guaranteeing me a pregnancy on my next IVF cycle? That would definitely mean “Everything has finally come together in a way you would never have seen coming” and I would be beyond happy with the results!

Now wouldn’t it be great if you could pick. I wouldn’t even hesitate on which one I would pick. I would pick the successful IVF cycle in a heartbeat. I would gladly give up the others and so much more. If only I could pick!

So, I don’t know which one the stars are going to pick but one thing I do know is that I will be shutting the bathroom door!

How did I end up here?

I guess that is the question of the hour…How did I end up here? There was a time when I felt that the question alone was devastating. How did I end up here? How did I screw up my life so bad that I would be 41 and alone, no children? How? The hours of crying, the why me’s…don’t get me wrong, I still have those moments but they are fading and I’m coming to terms with where I am now. As I try to answer the question: “How did I end up here?” I realize that in order to go forward sometimes we will have to look back. Now if this was a movie this is the part where the 60’s music would cue up (well in my case the 80’s music) and there would be a flashback of me heading off to college with a really bad feathered hair-do and “Flashdance” style shirt, standing next to my 1972 Dodge Duster (I don’t think they even make those cars anymore!) saying goodbye to my High School sweetheart. I wonder if my 41 year old self now would run up to the 1980’s me and scream “Don’t leave him! You’re going to end up alone and childless!!” I know the 35 year old me, even the 38 year old me wouldn’t…they both thought I still had time…hmmm…but the more I think about, I know the 41 year old me, the me now wouldn’t stop the me then. I wouldn’t stay. There are so many things in my life that I wouldn’t want to miss out on and that first day of college is one of them. So, how did I end up here? It certainly wasn’t because I chose to leave my High School sweetheart and go to college…was it? Nay, it couldn’t be…So as I move forward onto the next phase of my life I can’t help but look back and wonder…Oh, and by the way my High School sweetheart ended up marrying my best friend…How’s that for a movie style ending!