Thursday, February 10, 2011

The best laid plans…

From the moment I started TTC, I’ve had some kind of plan. Even if that plan was prayer (or begging the two are pretty synonymous) I knew I would keep moving forward on my journey. So, I spent a lot of time making sure I had a solid Alternate Path. It wasn’t easy but I was confident that if my last IVF cycle didn’t work, if Whiffer returned, that I would take a day or two to grieve and then proudly announce my Alternate Path without missing a beat. It turned out not to be that simple.

I’ve fallen and I can’t get up…

Is pretty much how I’ve felt this last week and a half. I’ve been in a lot of pain; both physically (damn Leroy) and emotionally. I have been second guessing my Alternate Path. I’ve starting trying to figure out ways to cycle again. To give it another shot with my eggs. I started freaking out at the thought of not cycling again. I wasn’t letting go even though I thought I already had. I was holding on. I started looking at new Paths. Making calls, googling and then I started thinking that maybe God doesn’t want me to be a mother. That he is doing everything in his power to prevent it. Maybe I should just abide by his wishes. Maybe he is preventing it because I would be a terrible mother. Yes, I even went there. I went to the deepest, darkest places of Lostville. It is not what I had planned.

I have become “uncomfortably” numb…

I have been so consumed with grief and sadness. Overwhelmed with fear and lost in my thoughts that I am almost numb. I have no focus. I can’t even seem to find a way to complete a post. I wanted to write a simple post thanking all of you wonderful ladies for the incredible amount of support you have shown me. I planned on posting it a few days after I found out I wasn’t pregnant (although I knew way before my beta) and it’s taken me over a week just to sit down and start typing. Not what I had planned. None of how I am feeling is what I had planned…

"We're not giving up; we're waiting for a better chance to win." ~ McMaster Bujold

I would like to rephrase that quote to “I’m not giving up; I’m waiting for a better chance to win."

As much as everything that I have been feeling is not what I had planned, it has bought me back full circle. I have gone through these emotional before, I have grieved, I have cried,  I have fallen and I have gotten up. And in the end I have come to the same conclusion as I did that day Dr. Doom gave me "A practically zero percent chance of conceiving". I decided to fight but this time I am fighting to become a mother no matter what. I am going to follow my Alternate Path. I am going to announce my Alternate Plan with pride and not miss a beat (well maybe one or two). I now have a plan. But there are a couple of things I need to do first…



  1. I was starting to worry about you :-)

    If there is a mountain in the way, find any way possible to get to the other side... even if you have to tunnel your way through.

    I am glad you have a way forward...

    I too have started my alternate path.


  2. It's such a tough road, especially when the doubts of what's "meant to be" creep in. Without even mentioning those defeating thoughts, my RE warned me not to go there... that it was common in women struggling with infertility and that there is no "grand sign", it's just the (unfair) hand we have been dealt. And we can find ways to WIN, even with a poor hand dealt!

  3. Hi, sweetie, I am glad you're beginning to surface again. I am so sorry for your pain. You'll know the alternative path which feels right for you. I only hope that it leads quickly to the land of motherhood. Thinking of you.

  4. Michaela, it breaks my heart to read your post today... I don't know why life has to be so unfair. Whatever you decide to do, we will all be here to cheer you.

  5. It just sucks. You're going to be such a fabulous mom, it's just wrong that you're having such a hard time getting there.

    We're all here, ready to support you, no matter what you decide to do next!

  6. I have absolutely no doubt in my mind you are going to be a wonderful, fantastic mother. It may not be down the path you originally planned, but you will get there. You are on your way and already half way there.

  7. I think you're very strong to move to the alternate plan. I was dense enough to get into my journey thinking it would work the first or second time and now it hasn't and I'm thinking I need an alternate plan but I don't know how to get there.

  8. You are going to be an amazing mother someday. This whole journey sucks, but I know that it will be worth it in the end. I’ll be thinking of you as you take a step towards the alternate plan.



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