Hope, faith, believing etc, etc, etc.
It's no secret that mine ability to sustain any has been
dwindling.
It is so hard for me to find something to hold on to.
But I want too.
I do have moments.
And I try so hard to hold on to them.
I think of Samuel. And pray that it was truly God's way of letting
me know that he's heard. God has heard.
And I think of Pastor Don and how much he believes.
But me...I'm dwindling...because I also think of all those moments
that I did believe...truly, truly believed with all my heart and soul only to
have the rug ripped out...well more like only to plummet to my spiritual death.
Those times unfortunately are numerous...
And well...I'm dwindling...or should I say pretty much tapped out.
"I want a reason for the way things have
to be
I need a hand to help build up some kind of
hope inside of me" - Train
I know I have mentioned our two stray cats that hang out around the
condo complex: Missy and Sematary.
Missy hangs out at the condo unit on the end. That's where Kasha,
that lady that lives there and who I have friended over the years, feeds her.
Every night when I come home, I see Missy sitting there patiently
waiting for Kasha to feed her.
Missy is
pretty much her cat and Sematary, well Sematary has pretty much become my cat.
Sematary will
walk around outside with his spastic gate, wailing the horrible cry and I'll
open the window, call his name and throw a handful of dry food out. I am on the
2nd floor so it just scatters in the grass. But Sematary will come over look up
at me with his yellow, glowing eyes and eat.
Recently Sematary has been "hanging out"
below my window, not just zombie walking around. And at strange times.
He doesn't really do that.
When I open
the window, he looks up at me with those sad, yellow eyes but doesn't come over
and eat.
He'd just
stands there looking at me.
I thought
it was odd.
And then
one day I was talking with Kasha and she asked me "Have you seen
Missy?"
I said
"No but I've seen Sematary. Missy has to be around."
Kasha then
tells me that the basement window that Missy and Sematary go in and out of
(which just happens to
be under my window) was boarded up by the maintenance men. And the more I thought about it the more I
realized that I haven' t seen Missy.
We were
certain Missy was boarded up inside.
And I was
certain that's why Sematary was hanging out outside my window looking up at me
with those sad, yellow eyes and wailing that hollow wail.
We tried
prying the board off. No luck.
I was able
to get a board off at an opening a little further down from where they usually
go in and out. I figured Missy could find
her way out now.
Every
night when I came home I looked for Missy. Her spot under Kasha's window was
painfully empty and everything felt wrong.
In the meantime
I've been trying to get all the tests done (mostly annoying repeats of tests I have
already taken...um...some 4 fucking years ago!) so I can embark once again on
my "final" cycle.
If I can
give up the ghost or should I say the TTC drug this will truly be my final
cycle.
So, anyway
in the meantime I have been preoccupied with tests, needles, meds, CD1, CD2,
CD3 etc...all the things that make you break down and cry.
In the
process I found out that my health insurance's policy on prescriptions has changed and in the giant world of total scam and how can we rip off the public,
I now have to pay 50% of all my meds...Oh, yes 50%! I couldn't imagine if I
needed certain meds to live...with the way drug companies gouge prices! WTF!! I
would die! Talk about a death panel...
I will
move on because I don't want this to turn into a rant.
The point
being now Crinone (lousy progesterone cream!!) is WAY OUT OF MY PRICE RANGE!!
They quoted me a co-pay of $1,000.
ONE
THOUSAND FREAKING DOLLARS!!
They are
out of their fucking minds!
And why,
why is Crinone so stinking expensive! I can get progesterone in oil (PIO) dirt
cheap. Yeah, sure you have to administer it with the world's largest needle but
$30 verses $1000! Bring on the needles!
*On a side
note...I am a pro at needles. I decided to count one OE IVF cycle and I gave
myself over 200 hundred needles that cycle! 200 needles and I didn't even get a
lousy t-shirt! I think I deserve a prize...anyhoo...
I started
looking at online sites to see if I could purchase someone's left over meds. I
have done this before and it's worked out well...well except for one time and
one douche bag who ripped me off. It was only for $40 but still, it made me
leery.
I started
dealing with a woman online who seemed lovely but in my skepticism I did
require the transaction to be a little more secure on my end. She agreed. No
problem.
She sent
my Crinone with a tracking number and I paid her.
And as I
waited for my Crinone, I also waited for Missy.
Why hasn't
she come out?
Maybe she
wasn't boarded in?
Kasha begged
the maintenance man to open the exact basement window that Missy would go in
and out of and they did.
Still no
Missy and nothing felt right.
Missy has
been sadly absent for just about two weeks, it was on the verge of night as
I pulled into my condo parking lot and there underneath Kasha's window was an
outline of a kitty...it was Missy.
I parked
my car and ran to Kasha's side window. She had just turned off her lights for
the night. I whispered loudly: "Kasha! Kasha! It's Missy! Missy is
here!"
With tears
in her eyes and a lump in her throat Kasha said: "Ohhhhhh! Ohhhhh! Let me
feed her!"
And I left
as Kasha fed Missy.
Missy was
thin and scared but she was back. And the next night when I pulled into the
parking lot, seeing Missy sitting under Kasha's window...all I could think
was...
Everything
is right again.
I got to
my front door and there sat my package of Crinone.
I went
inside, opened the box, promptly put the medication in the refrigerator and
then I noticed something in the bottom of the box.
There was
a white lace satchel. I opened it up and inside was a bracelet with a charm
that says:
Hope is
Our Greatest Treasure
I
immediately email the woman I bought the Crinone from and expressed my gratitude.
I told her that the world needs more
people like her. And it does.
And for
one moment.
I felt
some hope returning to me.
All seemed
right.
Missy was
back.
Sematary went back to walking around with his spastic gate, wailing that soul wrenching
wail...
And I
actually had a little bit of hope that my next cycle might work...
Well I say
"had" because it's already fading...there's a whole screw up with my
HSG that I will have to blog about...
But I do wear my bracelet every day.
A little
reminder...
And
Kasha...well Kasha thinks Sematary walks around wailing like that because he's
horny!
Hmmm....that
brings on a whole new meaning! And one I
can unfortunately still relate too!
