So this is how it ends??

Another prayer that has been on top of my Greatest Prayers Hit Parade as of late has been:

"God please make this end.  It has to stop. "

And it does...

have to stop...

And it does...

have to end...

I can't keep putting myself through this pain.

But I will be the first to admit that I don't know how to make it stop and I am not sure if I have the strength to end it.

When I was with Sio we were planning all the things a couple should be planning...marriage, a home, children but here's the thing...Sio was 10 years younger than me and he wasn't remotely ready for any of it! (On a side note, today he is married with a new baby and I still question his readiness, even now 9 years later!).

I remember telling one of my girlfriends that I was going to marry him and she grabbed me by the arm and looked me directly in the eye and said: "Don't! Don't marry him!"

And I am pretty sure on some level I knew...I knew our relationship wasn't meant to go that far but I couldn't stop. I couldn't leave him. The thought of leaving him, even though I knew it was what I HAD to do, put a pain in my heart. A pain I didn't want to face.

And as time went on and the addiction grew, that same friend said to me: "The only way this ends is if you end it!"

I knew she was right.

The only way it would end is if I ended it...so I did.

One night Sio and I had a huge fight and I ended it.

The very next day he showed up to my work. He was sitting at the outside patio bar and as I walked inside he gave me this wink and smile.  I knew that if I went outside to where he was, we'd be back together.

I knew if it was going to end I had to end it.

On Sunday, 9 dp 3dt I got a positive pregnancy test.

The next day I got another positive pregnancy test.

But on both tests the line was faint and with each subsequence test I took, the line did not get darker.

I knew what this meant.

12 dp 3dt my beta came back a 19.

Too low.

Today it came back a 7.

It's over.

It is officially another chemical pregnancy.

I need this to stop!

Please God make it stop....

The only way this ends is if I end it...

I have 4 embryos left.

The only way this ends is if I end it...

The thought of never carrying a child puts a pain in my heart. A pain I don't want to face.

The only way this ends is if I end it...

I have now failed my last 6 cycles...

The only way this ends is if I end it...

Six failed cycles since my last miscarriage. Is it even fair to these embryos? I have spent the better part of the last 2 years doing transfer after transfer and nothing...well 2 chemical pregnancies...maybe those little embryos would have a better shot with someone else.

Four pregnancies...no baby...

The only way this ends is if I end it...

Because it appears that my uterus is the place that embryos go to die...  

The thought of never carrying a child puts a pain in my heart...

A  pain I don't want to face...

But the only way this ends is if I end it...

Answered Prayers?

After my 1st miscarriage my only pray was: "Please God, please let me get pregnant again. Please"

I did 3 cycles with my own eggs and each cycle was a BFN.  And the explanation...my eggs of course...they were crap!

But I knew...I KNEW I could get pregnant and I knew I would get pregnant again.

I moved on to donor eggs and my pray: "Please God, please let me get pregnant again." was answered. I was pregnant.

It never crossed my mind that I could miscarry again. I was sure donor eggs were the answer to my prayers.  I mean after all I was told repeatedly that the only reason I miscarried the first time was because of my crap eggs.

And then the unthinkable happened. I miscarried again.

After my 2nd miscarriage, I changed my prayer. With every cycle I would pray: "Please God, don't let me miscarry again. I can't handle another miscarriage. I don't have the strength."

And with every cycle it was a BFN. I couldn't (and still can't) seem to get pregnant again.  

That is really NOT what I meant by that prayer. What I meant was: "Please God let me carry a beautiful baby to term, give birth and have a healthy, happy child."

Of course there is a part of me that is thinking....hmmm...maybe God is answering my prayer. Maybe if I had succeeded in getting pregnant it would have ended in another miscarriage and that is why I have had so many failed cycles.

And really isn't it funny...for someone who is trying so desperately to say "He is not!"...I am giving him an awful lot of power aren't I!

But after so many failures, deciding to stop and then having the opportunity present itself to cycle one more time...and in my TTC addicted state jumping at the chance...my prayer changed....again...

"Please God, do not let me have another failed cycle. If this is not going to work don't have me go through it!"

And then I had delay, after delay, after delay...and then the appearance of Satan...and it kinda reminded me of this story:

God Will Save Me

A terrible storm came into a town and local officials sent out an emergency warning that the riverbanks would soon overflow and flood the nearby homes. They ordered everyone in the town to evacuate immediately.

A faithful Christian man heard the warning and decided to stay, saying to himself, “I will trust God and if I am in danger, then God will send a divine miracle to save me.”

The neighbors came by his house and said to him, “We’re leaving and there is room for you in our car, please come with us!” But the man declined. “I have faith that God will save me.”

As the man stood on his porch watching the water rise up the steps, a man in a canoe paddled by and called to him, “Hurry and come into my canoe, the waters are rising quickly!” But the man again said, “No thanks, God will save me.”

The floodwaters rose higher pouring water into his living room and the man had to retreat to the second floor. A police motorboat came by and saw him at the window. “We will come up and rescue you!” they shouted. But the man refused, waving them off saying, “Use your time to save someone else! I have faith that God will save me!”

The flood waters rose higher and higher and the man had to climb up to his rooftop.

A helicopter spotted him and dropped a rope ladder. A rescue officer came down the ladder and pleaded with the man, "Grab my hand and I will pull you up!" But the man STILL refused, folding his arms tightly to his body. “No thank you! God will save me!”

Shortly after, the house broke up and the floodwaters swept the man away and he drowned.

When in Heaven, the man stood before God and asked, “I put all of my faith in You. Why didn’t You come and save me?”

And God said, “Son, I sent you a warning. I sent you a car. I sent you a canoe. I sent you a motorboat. I sent you a helicopter. What more were you looking for?”

So really...what more am I looking for?

Maybe God truly was trying to answer my prayer but I kept pushing it.

Last week I finally went to transfer. Today I took an HPT and it was negative. I know it's early but I still have a sinking feeling this cycle has failed.

Being that I have failed my last 5 cycles (and this one will make 6), I am pretty sure I know what  a failed cycle feels like...it feels like nothing and that is exactly what I feel...nothing...And sadly when I've had that feeling unfortunately I have never been wrong!

So did I blow it? Was God trying to answer my prayer and in my addicted persistence I blew it?

And now what?

In 5 days I go in for my beta...

What prayer will be answered?  Or has it already been?

Never Forget

“It has been said, 'time heals all wounds.' I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone.” ~ Rose Kennedy