Maybe I'm Amazed Part I

When Mr. Selleck was standing outside my door on New Years Day, I had no idea what was going to happen with us but by the end of the night I was certain we were in it for the long haul...oh how wrong I was!

Now I'll be perfectly honest, I am not even sure what he said or what I said when he first came in.

I think I ran to hide my vibrator...

I know he said something about it being hard to love him...really!?...what a bunch of self indulgent, self stroking crap!

But trust me I wasn't thinking that at the time. To be honest I have no idea what I was thinking...probably because I wasn't thinking...my heart was in control.

I know we talked about New Years Eve. I was very upset about New Years Eve.

He told me he ended up going over his ex's...now I know this sounds bad but it wasn't his recent ex. This was the ex he had his daughter with and they have been broken up for 13 years.

Plus she has a boyfriend, who was there.

It wasn't the fact he went there that bothered me. He actually goes there all the time. His daughter lives there.

It was the fact that he didn't spend New Years Eve with me.

Then he goes on to tell me that he behaved poorly there! He drank too much and made a scene.

NOT GOOD.

But everything I questioned...

Everything I asked....

He apologized and reassured me COMPLETELY.

He was 100% with me!

His "I love you's" were non-stop.

He kept telling me over and over how much he loved me. How much he needed me and how I was his best friend.

He would say just that: "I love you! You know that right! I love you. You are my best friend".

Over and over again he would say it:

"I love you! You are my best friend."

He would take my hand and hold it...repeat "I love you...you know that...you are my best friend...you know that..."

Stroke my face...and repeat "I love you...you know that...you are my best friend...you know that..."

Examine my face...kiss me..."I love you...you know that...you are my best friend...you know that..."

And he sang to me...

The song he kept signing: "Maybe I'm Amazed"

It was beautiful.

It was close.

It was intimate.

We talked...I questioned it happening again...him needing space.

He said: "This time next year we will see how many times it's happened...zero!"

He brought up marriage again and Vegas.

We started planning a trip "to some place warm".

It was all future tense.

It was all us!

And as far as New Years Eve went...we had it out...

He was really upset about getting drunk at his ex's and he was wondering how to handle it with his daughter.

So I told him that on my end I would let him off the hook for New Years.

And I did let him off the hook.

He even went as far as calling his ex and telling her that he would be coming over...coming over with me. That we would pick up his daughter and take her out to dinner. I could hear the whole phone conversation he was having with his ex and his daughter, how he was including me in the plans.

I told him that I felt that maybe he should go alone and he said no. "I want you with me. I need you with me." and so I said I would go with him.

Those plans never came about.

2 days later at 7 am in the morning Mr. Selleck declared that he needed his space again.

His exact words: "Oh yeah. I'm going to need some space again and that includes seeing other people."

Just like that!

"Oh yeah. I'm going to need some space again and that includes seeing other people."

I was in shock!

I was amazed!

"You're telling me this now at 7am when I have to go to work!"

His reply: "There's never a good time to say it."

I think I wanted to punch him but I was in too much shock to form sentences never mind throw a punch.

The sentences I was trying to form were coming out all jumbled...

"How could you...after this last week...the I love you...the best friend..."

His response: "I was in a very emotional place and needed you."

*So you used me and now tossing me to the side?!? - of course this was something I didn't say...

I wish I wasn't in such shock. I felt like I couldn't breathe...struggling to keep my head above water and Mr. Selleck kept pushing me under...

There was no clarity in the moment. Everything was so surreal. Like he was this stranger standing in front of me saying: "But I still want to see you!"

He still wanted to see me (yeah right! douche bag!).

He said: "I know you don't do that but I want you to think about it. Think about it. Consider it. I'll come over tonight (it was our Wednesday) and we'll talk about it."

I couldn't believe what I was hearing!

Oh yes...I was amazed!

The last sentence I did form, my last words to him as he walked out the door were very clear:

"You know this is over right!".

That is the last time I saw Mr. Selleck.

I text him later that day and told him not to come over. There was nothing left to say...

Maybe I'm amazed at how quickly his feelings changed.

Maybe I'm amazed at how casual and nonchalant he was about it all.

Maybe I'm amazed at how little his words "I love you" meant.

Maybe I'm amazed that I was in bed with a total stranger and never noticed.

There are so many things that I am amazed about what happened, but I guess the one that gets me the most is I am amazed at how much this hurts.

Because if there was one thing that I thought I got out of the last four years of struggling it was that I've become immune to hurt...

The healing powers of a Stromboli!

When Mr. Selleck text me that he need some alone time...I was concerned...but I didn't think it meant we were breaking up. All I thought was that he was pulling his crap again and it would blow over.

He had told me he wasn't feeling well a few days before. Sometimes this happens to him where he gets dizzy and vertigo. It stems from the fact that he's had Lyme disease three times.

His text was matter of fact: "Hey, you're right I haven't been myself. I have been feeling dizzy, anxious and depressed. I'm just regrouping that's all."

Okay...no biggie right....

Right?

The words of the physic were ringing in my head:

"He will need to "go off" on his own sometimes...have these little "trips" ...Don't worry...Give that to him...He is with you 100%!"

Right!

And it was fine for the first day...

the second day...

We were texting but he sometimes wouldn't respond for hours and that was driving me nuts.

New Years Eve was approaching and his delayed responses were now not only driving me nuts but pissing me off.

It wasn't nice...it wasn't fair and actually it was down and out rude!

I was being the most understanding, patient, compassionate person and he was treating me rude!

Flat out rude! And of course I let him know it was rude!

He text me asking me not to be upset. Saying how much he cared...blah...blah...

All I wanted to know was about our plans for New Years Eve.

I gave him the out. I told him we didn't have to go to my friend's house for New Years. We could stay home. I just wanted to spend it with him...

He text me to go alone.

I was crushed.

I want a boyfriend who would do anything to be with me...and Mr. Selleck...Mr. Selleck just told me to go alone...

And I did...go alone...

And I had a great time!

And I drank too much which led to me sending a drunk text to Mr. Selleck and then passing out.

I woke up in the morning to a text from Mr. Selleck: "Happy 2014 babe...let me know when you get home"

I was Hung Over! (with a capital H and a capital O).

I didn't go home until later that afternoon and I waited an hour to text him I was home.

He didn't respond!

Confusion and a hangover led me to make one decision...

I needed a Stromboli.

Right now the only thing that would cure this hangover was a Stromboli.

I placed my order for my Stromboli. I couldn't wait for my Stromboli to get there! I needed it's magical powers.

But I did have some time to kill so I decided it was a good time for a little "me alone" time...wink...wink...

Basically I decided to pleasure myself while I was waiting for my Stromboli...hey don't judge...I hadn't seen Mr. Selleck in 4 days and I am a woman in my 40s...which basically means that I now have the sex drive of a 18 year old boy...a constant (and I mean constant!) desire ;)

Plus I had 40 minutes to kill...or so I thought...

Just as things were getting good the doorbell rang!

Wow my Stromboli came quick!

I ran with excitement...et um...not that kind of excitement...to the door to get my Stromboli.

I am sure my face was flush...yes from that kind of excitement...but I didn't care...I needed the hangover healing powers of a Stromboli more than I needed to finish what I had started...

I ran down the stairs, flung the door open and there stood Mr. Selleck...

A wave of disappointment came over my face as I said: "Oh...I thought you were my Stromboli"

Then I asked him the question I was wondering for the last 4 days: "Are we breaking up?"

His reply: "I don't think so...can I come in?"

"Sure. But I'd rather have my Stromboli!"

Mr. Selleck came in...and didn't leave for 6 days.

My Stromboli also came...I shared it with Mr. Selleck.

It cured my hangover and things between me and Mr. Selleck.

In the 6 days that me and Mr. Selleck were holed up in my condo, we didn't get dressed for 2 days.

2 full days of nothing but nakedness, sex, kissing, sleep, talking and cuddling...tons of talking and tons of cuddling.

On the 3rd day, when the snow finally stopped, we finally took a shower, put clothes on and went out to get food and alcohol.

We stopped at the local pizza place where I always get my pizza and of course my Stromboli but this time instead we got a calzone.

Maybe that's where we went wrong....

Calzones just don't have the healing power that Stromboli's do!

Because by the 7th day...Mr. Selleck and I ended our relationship...for good this time...and there isn't a Stromboli big enough...

Tom Hanks...oh so predictable!

To say everything was "the way it should be" with Mr. Selleck or "perfect" would be a lie.

The truth is I didn't know exactly how things were between Mr. Selleck and I.

It seemed like we were "back together".

But we never really discussed what "We'll work it out" entailed.

And I was afraid to ask.

Which is really crazy considering I am a "tell it like it is" kinda a gal and I usually have no problem with getting to the bottom of things.

I guess I didn't want to know the answer.

I just wanted me and Mr. Selleck to be amazing...the amazing I knew we could be...the amazing we should be...

So I didn't ask.

But there was one thing I did that I probably shouldn't have...

When I had made my decision to break up with Mr. Selleck I went back to tried and true...I text Tom Hanks.

Tom Hanks was a guy that I went on one date with after the first time Mr. Selleck and I broke up.

He was safe, he was reliable...he just didn't give me butterflies....

He wasn't my Mr. Selleck....BUT...we had a good first date and I thought if Mr. Selleck was out texting other women maybe I should see what's out there for me...

I did not tell Mr. Selleck any of this...

Did I do it so I could feel a release on the grip Mr. Selleck had over me...I don't know...did I do it because deep down inside I still felt like that abandoned little girl who learned that leaving first hurts less...I don't know...was I trying to walk away...I don't know...but whatever the reason...if any were the case, it back fired.

After another date with Tom Hanks. A good date. We said goodbye at the car with a little peck on the lips...I got in my car and proceeded to cry the whole way home...I mean sob!

I don't know what it was that triggered it.

The peck on the lips Tom Hanks gave me?

All I know is it wasn't what I wanted. This might be what Mr. Selleck wanted...nothing too big...nothing serious...but it wasn't what I wanted.

All I wanted was Mr. Selleck.

But not at the expense of me.

This...this...whatever this was...it was not working out.

It's not who I am.

And I learned that a long time ago.

It was the week before Christmas and Mr. Selleck and I were spending another amazing night that consisted of too much talking, too much wine and too much sex.

He started asking me what I wanted.

"What do you want?"

I replied: "What do you want?"

I really didn't want to play this game.

I wasn't sure where he was going with this...

So I responded: "I don't want to be dating"

He was surprised: "You've been dating?"

And I was confused...did he now what something "serious"...something bigger...

"Two dates.  I'm trying to give you what you want."

Quietly he said: "I don't want you dating."

I ended the conversation with: "Well then, I guess we have figured out what you don't want."

And started our love making on the living room couch.

The very next night while sitting on that same couch watching TV, Mr. Selleck blurts out: "We should get hitched!"

Now, one could say that his outburst could be caused by the fact that Mr. Selleck and I had a habit of too much talking, too much wine and too much sex but this was before the ritual had even begun...

But this time...this time...instead of contemplating the validity of his words, I turned and with a slight smile said:

"Don't worry baby, I'll let you back pedal out of that one!"

I never saw Tom Hanks again. I feel bad about that.

But I was certain Mr. Selleck and I were moving off of shaky ground.

We both had family plans for Christmas but planned on spending the night before Christmas Eve together as "our" Christmas.

And we made New Years Eve plans.

We were moving off of shaky ground...but on to what?

On "our" Christmas, Mr. Selleck and I were supposed to exchange Christmas presents.  When he showed up he told me my present was at his house. He said it was too big to bring and something he put a lot of thought into...I couldn't wait to see what it was.

But I never did get to see what my Christmas present was...

Even though we had "our" Christmas, Mr. Selleck insisted that he wanted to see me Christmas night too. Of course I took that as a good sign in our relationship. We met late at night at my place.

The morning after Christmas, Mr. Selleck left my bed in a hurry...eerily in a hurry...our love making was in a hurry too (really this time it was more like fucking and not the good kind of fucking)...his getting dressed was in a hurry...eerily in a hurry...

The next day...a text...a text stating that he needed time to himself...but how much time...and what did that mean?

How much time??

Enough time that I never got my Christmas present and I never got a New Years Eve kiss at midnight either.

Because although Mr. Selleck was becoming predictable it wasn't the good kind of predictable...it wasn't safe and solid predictable like the Tom Hanks of the world.

And with Mr. Selleck's predictability came the unpredictable ring of my doorbell on New Years Day.

My Christmas Morning...

Mr. Selleck was on his way over.

I had decided that this would be our "one last time" goodbye.

I left the downstairs door open for him.

And as usual my heart raced as I heard him walking up the stairs.

My resolve to walk away from Mr. Selleck was fading fast.

The writing on the wall was barely visible.

I felt like I couldn't breathe without him.

He came in the door.

I didn't get up to greet him like I usually do.

I remained seated on the couch.

He walked over, leaned down and kissed me and then sat next to me.

All will was gone.  All resolve was gone. And the wall was blank.

I told him this could be our "one last time" goodbye.

Mr. Selleck agreed but then said that we can't count this time because he couldn't spend the night . He was having dinner with his daughter and had to leave soon.

I agreed that this time wouldn't count.

We made love.

Mr. Selleck left with the plans that he would come over on "our" Wednesday (a night we always spent together) for our "one last time" goodbye.

Later on in the evening, after he left his daughter, he text me to say good night.

He text me the next morning.

I wondered if he had read my letter.

The letter that I slipped into that little, plastic bag of his belongings.

He didn't mention it.

Had he not looked in the bag?

"Our" Wednesday was here. The night of our "one last time" goodbye.

I text him to ask him what time he was coming over.

He text back:

"Wow baby. I just read your letter. I haven't been nice. I am sorry. Are you sure you still want me to come over?"

I wasn't sure what to say.  I wasn't sure if I felt the same way as I did the day I wrote the letter. I secretly wished I could have somehow snuck into his house and stole it back.

But it was too late.

He read it:

"I am looking for my Christmas morning, my Easter Sunday, my 4th of July, my Thanksgiving day...my hours in the day, days in the week, weeks in the month and months in the year (42 years right) where I am with the one I think about the most, the one I love with all my heart and the one who is my family.

When we kissed I saw that, when we made love I felt that.

When we had sex whether it was soft and sweet or more erotic, I felt like we were opening up to each other on another level. A level others wished to achieve. 

But what I didn't know was that it was one sided. That you didn't feel the same.

When you came back (and even before then) you lead me to believe you felt the same and I believed you because it all felt so strong. 

No one says the things you did unless you mean it or you are so insecure you wanted to make sure you "had" me. 

And we know you didn't mean it. If you meant it, feelings like that, feelings that strong that should go behind words that strong...feelings like that don't fade in a couple of days or in a couple of weeks. Feelings like that are for keeps. 

I was "this close" to believing in my "meant to be".

But my Christmas morning, my "meant to be" wouldn't be texting another woman in the middle of my living room at 11 o'clock at night.

The only women you should be texting is your sisters, your mother, nieces, in-laws...

I could tell by that smirky smile on your face (which I can't get out of my head) and the way you laughed that you weren't texting any of the above and in that moment I saw you for who you are...and it's none of the things I felt...I've been duped. Feeling a connection that was only on my side. I feel like a fool and I am so hurt that you lead me to believe...

My meant to be...my Christmas morning...my everything...I wish it was you but it's not...and that breaks my heart..."

I stared at his text:

"Wow baby. I just read your letter. I haven't been nice. I am sorry. Are you sure you still want me to come over?"

I text back...

"Yes"

This time when he walked in the door I greeted him.

We didn't really talk.

We kissed passionately as he led me to the bedroom.

As we laid there entangled in each other I said:

"What are we going to do?"

Mr. Selleck put his hand on the side of my head, brushed the hair out of my face, ran his finger down my cheek and said:

"We'll work it out"

That next morning when we woke up in each other arms I knew Mr. Selleck and I were back together.

It all felt so right again...

Until...

Until Christmas morning...