The truth is I didn't know exactly how things were between Mr. Selleck and I.
It seemed like we were "back together".
But we never really discussed what "We'll work it out" entailed.
And I was afraid to ask.
Which is really crazy considering I am a "tell it like it is" kinda a gal and I usually have no problem with getting to the bottom of things.
I guess I didn't want to know the answer.
I just wanted me and Mr. Selleck to be amazing...the amazing I knew we could be...the amazing we should be...
So I didn't ask.
But there was one thing I did that I probably shouldn't have...
When I had made my decision to break up with Mr. Selleck I went back to tried and true...I text Tom Hanks.
Tom Hanks was a guy that I went on one date with after the first time Mr. Selleck and I broke up.
He was safe, he was reliable...he just didn't give me butterflies....
He wasn't my Mr. Selleck....BUT...we had a good first date and I thought if Mr. Selleck was out texting other women maybe I should see what's out there for me...
I did not tell Mr. Selleck any of this...
Did I do it so I could feel a release on the grip Mr. Selleck had over me...I don't know...did I do it because deep down inside I still felt like that abandoned little girl who learned that leaving first hurts less...I don't know...was I trying to walk away...I don't know...but whatever the reason...if any were the case, it back fired.
After another date with Tom Hanks. A good date. We said goodbye at the car with a little peck on the lips...I got in my car and proceeded to cry the whole way home...I mean sob!
I don't know what it was that triggered it.
The peck on the lips Tom Hanks gave me?
All I know is it wasn't what I wanted. This might be what Mr. Selleck wanted...nothing too big...nothing serious...but it wasn't what I wanted.
All I wanted was Mr. Selleck.
But not at the expense of me.
This...this...whatever this was...it was not working out.
It's not who I am.
And I learned that a long time ago.
It was the week before Christmas and Mr. Selleck and I were spending another amazing night that consisted of too much talking, too much wine and too much sex.
He started asking me what I wanted.
"What do you want?"
I replied: "What do you want?"
I really didn't want to play this game.
I wasn't sure where he was going with this...
So I responded: "I don't want to be dating"
He was surprised: "You've been dating?"
And I was confused...did he now what something "serious"...something bigger...
"Two dates. I'm trying to give you what you want."
Quietly he said: "I don't want you dating."
I ended the conversation with: "Well then, I guess we have figured out what you don't want."
And started our love making on the living room couch.
The very next night while sitting on that same couch watching TV, Mr. Selleck blurts out: "We should get hitched!"
Now, one could say that his outburst could be caused by the fact that Mr. Selleck and I had a habit of too much talking, too much wine and too much sex but this was before the ritual had even begun...
But this time...this time...instead of contemplating the validity of his words, I turned and with a slight smile said:
"Don't worry baby, I'll let you back pedal out of that one!"
I never saw Tom Hanks again. I feel bad about that.
But I was certain Mr. Selleck and I were moving off of shaky ground.
We both had family plans for Christmas but planned on spending the night before Christmas Eve together as "our" Christmas.
And we made New Years Eve plans.
We were moving off of shaky ground...but on to what?
On "our" Christmas, Mr. Selleck and I were supposed to exchange Christmas presents. When he showed up he told me my present was at his house. He said it was too big to bring and something he put a lot of thought into...I couldn't wait to see what it was.
But I never did get to see what my Christmas present was...
Even though we had "our" Christmas, Mr. Selleck insisted that he wanted to see me Christmas night too. Of course I took that as a good sign in our relationship. We met late at night at my place.
The morning after Christmas, Mr. Selleck left my bed in a hurry...eerily in a hurry...our love making was in a hurry too (really this time it was more like fucking and not the good kind of fucking)...his getting dressed was in a hurry...eerily in a hurry...
The next day...a text...a text stating that he needed time to himself...but how much time...and what did that mean?
How much time??
Enough time that I never got my Christmas present and I never got a New Years Eve kiss at midnight either.
Because although Mr. Selleck was becoming predictable it wasn't the good kind of predictable...it wasn't safe and solid predictable like the Tom Hanks of the world.
And with Mr. Selleck's predictability came the unpredictable ring of my doorbell on New Years Day.