This used to be my playground...

It's no secret that Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday.

I call it the four Fs - Family, Fun, Football and Food!

There's nothing else you need to do but to be grateful for all that you have and enjoy all that you have.

Being my favorite holiday, in the past, it meant that I would partake in the evening before Thanksgiving ritual of partying your ass off!

Yes, that is what you did...you went out Wednesday night, met all of your friends at the bar, got ridiculously drunk and the next day on Thanksgiving you were thankful you had all that food and drink to get you through the day...and you rejoiced! Whooooooo!

And there was this one memorable Thanksgiving Eve when Sio puked in my sock drawer because he was so wasted he actually believed he was in the bathroom.

Classy right! (What a bunch of idiots!)

Fun right!! ( I am being sarcastic here!)

At  Christmas that year, every gift I opened was a pack of socks...well at least my family has a sense of humor.  And I am thankful for that! And for them...

And as I celebrated my favorite holiday and being grateful, to be honest I would get mad at the "complainers" on Thanksgiving.

I remember one year a friend of mine was spending too much time wallowing in what she didn't have and I ended up getting on my soapbox and giving her the "Be grateful speech".

You know the speech! You get it all the time as an Infertile.

"It could be worse"

"Be thankful for what you have"

All that crap that just pisses me off now!

The worthless platitudes of trying to "put things into perspective" instead of acknowledging ones pain..

Something I really don't do anymore...getting on my soapbox or giving the "Life could be worse...be thankful...you could be starving with one leg" crappy speech that does nothing...

I think that's why this post pisses me off so much!!

THANKFUL, GRATEFUL, ABUNDANT.

Really to be honest I was just going to let it go...I have my own gratitude for what I have...I am thankful everyday not just one day of the year but for some reason this brings out the: "Are you fucking kidding me!" in me...

This shit is only spoken by someone pregnant!

It's kinda worse than a fertile telling you to relax!

To me it doesn't make any sense to be thankful for something that is still hurting so many others.

It's like saying you are thankful that a mass shooting happened because you survived and you are a better person now.

What about all those that didn't survive?

It makes no sense...you might be thankful you survived but to be thankful for the event or the disease???

Could you imagine writing a post about being thankful for the shooting at the Batman movie because it made you a better person??

WTF!

Maybe write that you are thankful that this experience didn't destroy you, that this experience has showed you your strength...

I just find it so insulting, disrespectful and demeaning to those who haven't survived...

It's like being thankful for war!

I could go on and on...

And then she says: "I wouldn't take it back"...what a load of crap.

What a selfish, self important statement!

I would take it back in a heartbeat! Why! Because if I could make it so there wasn't such a thing as Infertility...

If I could make it so no one had to suffer like this...you're damn right I would take it back!

And not indulge in my "Look at me....I made it through...I am such a better person now..."

"Oh and I'm fucking pregnant!"

What a sanctimonious post that could only be written by someone who is no longer struggling...

Because guess what...if you were still Infertile I can guarantee you this:

You wouldn't  be thankful for it!

If you were still Infertile, yes, you would be still be talking about all the things you are grateful for like the post she quotes that she wrote the year before and guess what  Infertility isn't one of them!

Oh in that post a year ago I didn't read any "I am thankful for my Infertility" bullshit...why because you were still Infertile!!

"I wish I could reach through my screen and time and tell November 2011 Keiko: “It’ll be different next year..."

Hmmm...really!!

How touching...how heartfelt...what self stroking CRAP!!

Hey I wish I could reach through time and space and tell the me of a year ago...the  me who just had a D&C a few days before Thanksgiving...I wish I could shake her and tell her: "Wake the fuck up!! It's not going to happen! You are going to spend the next year trying cycle after cycle and failing! Get ready for this abundant, gratifying time in your life!!"

And I know there will be those saying: "But she was talking about her infertility..."

Whatever! Still a bunch of fucking crap! Hurtful, self important, sanctimonious crap that is DEFINITELY NOT Infertility's Voice!

I guess that's why this post doesn't piss me off...

giving thanks 

Thank you Katie for acknowledging the heartache and struggle and not being like "I got mine so everyone be grateful!"

This is truly the Infertility Voice!!

And I will raise my Infertility Voice and say yes, I am thankful. I am thankful for the beautiful life that I have, my family, my friends... I am thankful that I am a strong person who is learning and changing everyday from the struggles that I face...I am thankful that I have learned a level of compassion that I didn't know existed....I am thankful I haven't jumped off a bridge yet...but I will never be thankful for something that causes so much pain.

I am thankful that Infertility has taught me enough about pain, suffering and loss to never be thankful for Infertility...I'll let that sink in for a moment!

*Note - I just even want to point out the titles on both posts...The Infertility Voice (yeah right!) the post is all caps..."Look at me"...from If to when...all lowercase...humble...respectful, caring and compassionate.

From 0 to 100...

S.I.F had a post A 100 Years Older. In that post she quote a scene from Private Practice where the character Amelia says to a handsome doctor asking her out:

"You look at me like we're the same age and we could have fun. And I might have made the same mistake if I were you, but we're not the same age; I'm about 100 years older than I look.”

And wow isn't that true. Now to be honest I don't really watch too much Private Practice. I have seen it. But I am usually in bed before it comes on and I am NOT a DVR'er. I don't have the time. Really I could change this whole post into a post on:

Where the "F" do people find the time to:

Facebook
Twitter
Pinterest
DVR
Watch TV
Workout
Blog!

And man it boggles my mind when bloggers can post more than 4 posts a month never mind those that do 20 an month!

How the fuck!!

Anyway this isn't a post about my poor time management.

It's a post about being 100 years older than I look...

I have always felt older. I always knew I was older than those in my age group.

I remember one time in acting class, I think I was around 21 years old at the time. I was watching a monologue that another girl was performing, she was 18 years old. And in the monologue she took this moment where she held her breathe and puffed out her cheeks and then let the air out in kind of "raspberry" when she released. I remember my acting teacher commenting on what a youthful and playful moment that was and all I could think was: "I was never that young".

I was never that young because even by the time I was 21 years old I was about a 100 years older than I looked.

I couldn't stand to be around 20 year olds when I was a 20 years old. Too immature...to clueless...it's a shame I never really got to be immature and clueless...

Having gone through things (and we'll just leave it at "things") at a young age added those 100 years and  lead to many bad choices. Choices to try to remove those years.

Smoking, drinking, drugs...which in reality only added more  years as I struggled to pull myself out of the mess.

And when I finally did emerge, it was only to find out that it's too late...

Yes I am about a 100 years older than I look. I am about a 100 years older than I was this time last year.

On this day last year I was wheeled into an operating room for a D&C because my 2nd pregnancy had ended in miscarriage.

I aged a 100 years in that moment.

And now I am doing my 13th and FINAL cycle. With every cycle, every shot and especially every negative...I have aged a 100 years...

3 1/2 years since my first appointment with an RE...

Almost 2 years since my first miscarriage and exactly 1 year since my 2nd miscarriage...and boy have I aged...

As I sit in my adoption class discussing birthmothers...

I have to remind myself that I WILL be a mother.

I will be a mother but sadly that means someone else will end up aging a 100 years in order for me to do so.

But I just have to keep reminding myself...I will be a mother...13 could turn out to be lucky...I could get the call tomorrow...I will be a mother...

I just hope I don't age another 100 years before that day arrives.

Oh and I will also note that this is my 100 post!

God's Plan Part II

Truth and Consequences

The Truth...

You hear many women say...

Well, once they have crossed over the tumultuous land of "IF"  that is riddled with trip wires and land mines and triumphantly make it to the other side...

You hear many women say whether they succeeded after 1 attempt, 2 attempts, 10 attempts...

The final word is...

That this is the baby I was meant to be a mother to...

That they wouldn't change a thing...

That they would go through it all over again...

That this is God's Plan....

I believe that they believe this is the truth.

I am sure that if I had succeeded in one of my 12 cycles or if I succeed on my 13th cycle that I might be saying all these things  too...

They are exclamations of relief and justification for all that one has been through...

But...

But...the truth?

Although we might perceive it to be true...is it really true?

Is it even logical?

I mean think about it...

If you got success on your 1st cycle or your 12th cycle then what really is the difference?

The drawn out heartbreak and torture of each cycle.

That's really the only difference.  The outcome is the same.

If you had success on your first cycle wouldn't you change it so that you didn't need to "cycle" at all?

Or change it so you wouldn't have to do 10 cycles?

If the outcome is the same so, really, truthfully...wouldn't you change the amount of torture that you had to endure?

I know I would.

I know if I could change it, I would make it so my first pregnancy didn't end in miscarriage.

I know that means I wouldn't have had the miracle of my 2nd pregnancy but...I would change it if I could... even if it meant losing those 8 magical weeks.

And I know some will say: "Well then it wouldn't be this baby?"

But why? Why wouldn't it be?

I believe that the soul that is "meant" to be with you keeps trying until they make it...in some form or another...

So in Truth I think that if I do finally have a successful pregnancy on my 13th cycle and welcome my baby into the world...I would change it...I would make it so that we were already together...

And Consequences...

But what if I don't have success on my 13th cycle and FINAL cycle.

What if my child comes to me some other way...

What if success comes in the form of adoption?

Would it then be:

This is the baby I was meant to be a mother to...

And I wouldn't change a thing...

I would go through it all over again...

And this is God's Plan...

As an adoptive parent in waiting, once a month I go to my adoption agency and I take classes. These classes are conducted by the social workers.

I cannot tell how much I learn in these classes. It is more than just knowledge. It is soul inspiring.

The topic of God's Plan did come up in one of our classes. It was mentioned by another adoptive parent in waiting who is trying to adopt her second child.

In a discussion about her first adoption all the "buzz" words came out...She said:

"I was meant to be this baby's mother"

And I smiled and nodded...it's such a nice thought even if I have trouble with the "meant to be" aspect of things...

"I wouldn't change a thing"

In my head all I could think of was: "Yeah right!"

"I would do it all over again"

Well evidently since you're here trying to adopt a 2nd!

Me personally I wish I could skip all the Infertility crap...maybe just be so zen about my adoption that I skipped cycling all together...

"It is God's Plan"

Hmmmmm???? I have never really been "sold" on the God's Plan thing...

And with that statement...right in that moment when I was battling in my head my own feelings and theories on God's Plan...the social worker put the brakes on and started a conversation about God's Plan.

What God's Plan means to a birthmother.  And how hurtful saying it is God's Plan could actually be to a birthmother.

I never really thought about that...so God's Plan was to put this woman through hell in order for me to be a mother to her child.

Kinda hurtful don't you think...

It really puts the concept of God's Plan into perspective.

What did God give her the finger! Did God decide in some great scheme that she should suffer?

No I don't think so...

Well at least I don't think so anymore...

I mean to be perfectly honest maybe we should really stop and think about what we deem God's Plan or God's Will because in my book we are kinda making him look like an asshole.

Maybe instead we should say...

Our loving God created both of us and isn't it wonderful that in some miraculous way we were able to help each other....and that God's Plan is that we find these ways everyday...

Election Day

I have never voted based on campaigns and campaign promises. Or the incessant sound bites coming from either side. To be honest most of it is downright ludicrous and I can't believe that seemingly smart people on both sides regurgitate this nonsense. I don't vote on what any candidate wants to do, promises to do, etc., even with all the best efforts real change won't happen until the system fundamentally changes. Until we get rid of parties and truly work together as one for the greater good. Do I think Romney and his 5 point mathematically impossible plan is going to fix the economy. NO! Do I think Obama and his "tax the rich plan" is going to fix the economy. NO! They will filibuster and battle the shit out of each other until the next election. There isn't a ruler small enough to measure this teeny weeny pissing contest. And then they will just swear to undo what the other has done; good or bad it doesn't matter. Because they are for themselves and winning the next election. And then we will do this all over again in 4 years. Each blaming the other side when it's a collaborative effort...So I base my vote on my basic philosophies. We elect those to represent us. So I will vote on a representation that I can live with. One that comes closest to who I am as a human being and what I believe in. I believe in equal rights for all. If there is one person being oppressed that is one person too many. I could never look them or their children in the eye knowing I voted against their equal rights. I believe in equal pay. I believe in the separation of church and state. I believe in a women's right to choose. I believe in a loving God that does not discriminate. I believe in the freedoms that we based this country on. Freedom of religion...or non-religion. I believe that people have the right not to believe. I believe in science and keeping religion out of it to necessitate true progress. I believe in helping your fellow man in times of trouble. I believe in protecting our environment not destroying it for profit or to fix our economic issues. I believe in showing the love and respect that this great land deserves. These are some of my general principles. I will not comprise these principals for the sake of finance. I cannot associate myself by voting for a representation that is so grossly different in their beliefs to mine no matter what the cost. I will vote for the candidate that closely represents my principals as a reflection of who I am in my heart...