It's in the cards...What does the psychic say.... Ring-ding-ding-ding-dingeringeding!

After the redheaded psychic  slowly exhaled filling the room with visions of butterflies, she gently released the energy holding the palms of my hands to hers and replaced it with the deck of tarot cards.

She then said:

"Think about all the questions you have and shuffle the cards."

I held the cards in my hands. I could feel their energy. I began shuffling the cards trying to focus on the things I wanted to know about...the questions I had...work, school, my adoption and of course Mr. Selleck.

Once I was done shuffling I cut the cards into three piles and then placed them back together into one.

The redheaded psychic began laying out the cards.

The different tarot card spreads (the way in which the reader lays out the cards) that I know are the Celtic Cross, which is a ten card spread focusing on one question and the Astrology spread, which is a 13 card spread that covers the 12 houses of astrology and a final card for the conclusion.

She used a different spread. One I had never seen before. I can't remember how many cards she put out but she laid them out in a square. Each side of the square representing a different season.

Once the cards had been carefully placed, the redheaded psychic then began studying there positions.

She went over different things the cards revealed giving me a general overview of what she saw.

She moved her hands to the area of the spread that represented spring and she said she saw good news coming in the spring. And I would receive this good news through a phone call that would change my life.

With each area (or at any time in the read) if I had additional questions she would take the remaining cards from the deck and then ask them for more insight on the subject.

I wanted to know more about my adoption but I didn't want to give the psychic too much information...so even though I myself had a very clear vision about my adoption and a little boy named Samuel...I asked her if she could see the gender...

She went to the cards...caressed them in her hands and quietly asked them for more information on my adoption...she flipped over three more cards...

And then she said:

"A girl!"

"A girl of Asian descent"

A girl?

Asian descent?

I then relived for her in detail the dream of Samuel.

She asked the cards one more time to show us the gender.  

She flipped one card...

As soon as I saw the card I knew...

The psychic smiled and said at the same time I did:

"A girl"

Interesting...

She said that I was contracted in this life for two children. That I was to be responsible for two souls...

It was then that I mentioned my infertility.

She said she saw me pregnant and not to be surprised if I had both a pregnancy and my adoption...

And as much I was enjoying her reading, I think she only said that because I mentioned my infertility...

It's a knee jerk reaction that people (even psychics) have when you tell them you can't have children...

It's the old "Oh it will happen."

I didn't want to burst her psychic bubble by telling her it literally (unless I turned out to be Mary and Mr. Selleck was indeed Joseph) was impossible.

I have no eggs and Mr. Selleck has no sperm. We are the perfect couple...a match made in heaven!

Even if by some miracle I did have "one good egg" left, Mr. Selleck had a vasectomy years before I met him...yeah I'm no psychic but my innate intuition is saying...impossible!

Then the reading turned to Mr. Selleck...

She said she saw a strong connection between the two of us, like we've known each other for a long time but in actuality we didn't. She saw that our relationship was new.

Now I didn't tell her anything about Mr. Selleck...how long we had been seeing each other...our connection...his recent break-up and his breaking things off with me and getting back together just days before...she knew none of this...

But it was all there in the cards...because you can't hide from the cards...

She said saw some "new" relationship issues that we would have to go through but they would work themselves out.

She said Mr. Selleck would be all on board with my adoption and not to worry.

She said that I wouldn't be "single" for long.

All the things she was telling me was exactly what I wanted to hear about Mr. Selleck.

I was afraid the cards were going to show Mr. Selleck pulling the same thing again and telling me he couldn't commit.

I was afraid that Mr. Selleck would leave again...

But the cards were in my favor...

Now there was a bit of a mystery in my reading too...

A big decision...

The redheaded psychic saw that sometime towards the end of the summer, beginning of next fall I would have to make a big decision...

I had no idea what that decision could be...

She returned to the cards imploring them to give us more insight on what this decision could be...

The cards would not give an answer...

The card are funny like that sometimes...basically their answer is...you will just have to wait and see.

I will just have to wait and see...

Now as the redheaded psychic was finishing the reading...she took one more look, closed her eyes and then opened them. When she did she went on to give me a little more insight on Mr. Selleck. 

She said Mr. Selleck would need to "go off" on his own sometimes...have these little "trips" as she put it where he would need to be by himself...

"Don't worry" she said.

"Give that to him."

"He is with you 100%!"

But the real question I neglected to ask her was if I would be with him 100%...

Butterflies...

When was the last time you had butterflies?

Where the thought of someone or something made your insides all a flutter?

It seems the older we get the less times butterflies visit our being filling us with anticipation and excitement.

I guess I could say at the beginning of my TTC journey...at the moment in the cycle when it all became possible...insemination or transfer day...I would have butterflies...an anticipation or excitement of what could be...but after years of disappointment those butterflies turned to dread.

Butterflies symbolize transformation, rebirth and renewal.

My very first tattoo was of a butterfly and recently in memory of my lost babies, I have a tattoo collection of butterflies and dragonflies.

They represent transformation, rebirth, renewal...

And when we get the butterflies fluttering around inside...it's because we know that there can be a transformation into all these wonderful possibilities.

A transformation into all things possible and all we have ever dreamed of...

I think that's what attracted me to Mr. Selleck...the possibility of an amazing transformation that I saw for us...he gave me butterflies...a feeling that I haven't had in over 10 years...

And I think that is why I was so addicted to cycling...the possibility of a transformation...before the butterflies turned to dread...

When I stopped cycling (and hey the jury is still out on this one because the pangs of addiction run deep)...when I stopped cycling...I didn't know what to do with myself...I had lost my purpose...

When Mr. Selleck walked out the door...those butterflies turned loose inside of me...instead of being a flutter of possibilities it was a constant beating of their wings...an almost unsettling fury of fluttering going on inside of me...turning to dread.

And I recognized what that was...it was heartache...and I did know heartache...but this was a completely different kind of heartache than TTC...one that I had forgot existed because I protected myself so well...              

I thought about him every day (and I still do think about him every day).

I couldn't imagine not seeing him again and yet he was gone.

I couldn't imagine him not feeling the same way I did either...but I had to try to calm the butterflies...quiet the dread and move on.

He made the choice and it was out of my hands.

My first thought was to  immediately start dating again...

You know the old saying: "The best way to get over a man is to get under another"

So I decided that was what I was going to do...

But it really doesn't work that way...

I couldn't see myself with anyone but Mr. Selleck...he was the only one I wanted to be under...and that makes moving on very hard.

Plus trying to date is a nightmare...

I manage to set up a first date...a first date with someone who wasn't my Mr. Selleck...he was more of a Tom Hanks...and there is nothing wrong with a Tom Hanks...

One night Mr. Selleck and I were watching TV. Mr. Selleck was flipping through the channels and stopped on some movie from the early '90s.

And for the life of me I cannot think of the name of the movie or the actress but she says:

"When I was in high school I wanted Tom Hanks to be my boyfriend"

And Mr. Selleck said:

"Really! Tom Hanks!"

And I replied: "Oh most definitely! Tom Hanks is stable. Tom Hanks is solid."

So Tom Hanks is not a bad thing...it's just...

I didn't have butterflies...

I set up my first date with Mr. Hanks on the same day I was going to meet the redheaded psychic. I would have my reading and then meet Mr. Hanks for lunch.

Then 3 days before my date and before meeting the psychic, Mr. Selleck text me...

"I've been thinking about you."

I wanted to be like: "Too bad!" but instead I text back:

"I miss you!"

And just like that the butterflies were back...

And just like that me and Mr. Selleck were back...

When Saturday came, Mr. Selleck and I revisited the scene of our second date...we went to that little spiritual shop in the quaint town of Montclair, NJ.

While Mr. Selleck waited for me outside, I walked down a set of stairs into a quiet little room and sat down at a tarot card table strewn with scarves.

The redheaded psychic sat across from me and smiled.

She then asked me to place the palms of my hands face up.

She placed the palms of her hands face down on top of mine.

She said she wanted to feel my energy.

She closed her eyes. I watched her as she slowly pulled the air out of the room and into her being. I could feel the energy pulsating between the palms of our hands and then quietly, as she released the air back into the room, almost in a whisper she declared:

"Butterflies"

"I see butterflies"

The Tarot Cards...

The concept of someone being able to get a glimpse into your future...the concept of prophets , psychics, and fortune tellers has been intriguing human beings since the beginning of time...

The idea that someone has an "in"...a way to know the unknown...

Who wouldn't sign up for that!!

And these prophets, psychics, fortune tellers have been portrayed throughout time in as many ways as the mind can dream up futures...

The prophets had a direct line to God. Hearing his word and spreading that word to the masses.

Psychics relied on their ESP to connect and see the future.

And well fortune tellers...they just relied on psychology to fool the fools...

We've all seen the movies with the fortune teller carefully laying out the tarot cards only to flip over the "dreaded" Death card and the poor recipient of this fortune was doomed to a fate worse than...you get the point...

And that is how I pretty much view the tarot cards, as some kind of charlatan's parlor trick.

I do believe in spiritual forces that can't be explained and I do believe that there are those amongst us who are more perceptive and in tune with their spirituality...

But tarot cards...no...it wasn't until I actually received a pack of tarot cards as a gift did I start to truly understand their gift...

And it was the "giver" of this gift that made me stop and explore the tarot.

My birthday is August 30th. Throughout my whole life many would wish me happy birthday on August 31st...including my own family!

There I would be, sitting around on my birthday, waiting for the phones calls or texts and they wouldn't come...I'd be disappointed wonder why this person or that person didn't call me on my birthday and  inevitably I would get the call the next day...

"Happy Birthday!!!"

"My birthday was yesterday."

"Really? Really? I thought it was today. The 31st right?"

"No my birthday is the 30th."

And so on and year after year...

It had gotten to the point where I even checked my own birth certificate to confirm my August 30th birth date!

Now,  almost 30 years ago, Sissy L was pregnant with her first child and she was due at the end of August.

I kept telling Sissy L that she had to have the baby on my birthday...she just had to...

On August 31st Sissy L gave birth to my 1st niece Jay and for the last time MY BIRTHDAY IS THE 30TH!!

My birthday is the 30th and my niece's birthday is the 31st.

Flash forward and I don't even know exactly how old Jay was (8 maybe ?) but Sissy L was in the book store and made a comment that she had  to pick up a birthday present for me.

Jay in her youthful innocence picked up a pack of tarot cards and insisted that be my birthday gift.

I remember sitting outside on the deck at my mom's house, celebrating both mine and Jay's birthday...Sissy L handing me my gift...opening it and saying:

"Tarot cards? Really Sissy!"

And Sissy L declaring:

"Jay picked those out for you!"

And I sincerely told her:

"It is the best present I've ever received."

It was because it was from her.

I started researching and learning the tarot.

I could write a whole post on how fascinating the tarot cards are...and what an amazing, rich history they have...and I just might do that one day...but for now I will leave it at this...

Did you know our regular deck of playing cards come from the tarot cards?

And the Death card DOES NOT mean death! It means rebirth...like the phoenix rising up from its own ashes...

Take some time...research them...I am sure you will be fascinated...

Is there something mystical, magical about them?

There can be...and I have experienced some of that...I can tell you there have been times where I have shuffled those cards...I mean really shuffled them...all 78 cards and pulled the same card over and over again...

But what I think it really is...it is your subconscious at play. For the most part I believe we already know the answers to our questions because we are in tune with ourselves and we just need to bring that to the forefront of our consciousness.  And since we subconsciously know the answer, it is our subconscious that picks the appropriate card for the question at hand.

One of the biggest lessons I've learned from the tarot cards is that your subconscious always comes through. You can't hide from what you know deep down inside and if the tarots are a reflection of that...then you can't hide from the tarots.

The cards will always give you away...

And just how much they give away I learned one Thanksgiving...

I would bring my tarot cards to family get-togethers or to a girls night and do readings for friends and family.

Because the cards will always reveal what's going on deep down inside of you...one of the rules when reading tarot cards is to ask the seeker (the person getting the read) if they would like the reading to be done privately...things might come out that they don't want others to know...

The other rule is...read the cards as is...good, bad and all that's buried underneath...never "throw" a read...whether you are doing it privately or with others in the room.

Well on this particular Thanksgiving my stepdad asked for a card reading. I asked if he would like me to do a private reading and he said no.

He shuffled the cards, cut the cards, picked the cards from the deck and I laid out the spread...

And in that instant...I knew...

With one look at the cards...I knew...

I knew he was cheating on my mother...

I went on to "throw" the read...

With my mother sitting right there I couldn't say what the cards were telling me...but he knew, I knew...

They divorced not too long after that.

There is no hiding from the cards and now I wanted the cards to tell me what I knew deep down inside but needed their help  bringing it to the surface for me to see. 

But  having this knowledge of the tarot and having experienced the magic and honesty of the tarot firsthand, I am extra cynical (who me!) when it comes to tarot card readers.

Either way I was looking forward to finding out what my reading would unveil.

There were many questions I wanted to ask.

Questions ranging from work, to school, to my adoption and of course questions about Mr. Selleck.

I knew deep down that me and Mr. Selleck had a connection...a connection stronger than I have felt in a long time...and I couldn't shake the feeling that there was more to our story...

But what I didn't know was that on the day I sat down in front of the redheaded psychic  looking for answers hidden deep down inside, that Mr. Selleck would be going with me...and that we were experiencing a rebirth of our own...

Teacher there are things...

Sometimes you bury things so deep down inside that you forget they even exist.

Feelings of the past that never reach the surface.

You keep everything suppressed and everyone at an arm's length.

It's not that you always did this. It's something you had to learn to do.

It's a way of protecting yourself.

A way to prevent your heart from being hurt.

When you've suffered tremendous heartbreak you end up learning this lesson and almost instinctively you close yourself off.

If you never fully opened yourself up, no one would ever get inside.

You can't be hurt.

Easy right!

I held on to this lesson for a long time. In the last 9 years, I haven't fully let anyone in.

I learned to compartmentalize and have psychical connections that fulfilled a physical need and convinced myself that I didn't need any other connections.

Did I longfor more? Yes.

Was I open for more? I'm not sure.

I became pretty proficient at keeping my emotions in check...not letting anyone in...

I don't know if it was because I was such a good student or if I just hadn't meet anyone that could teach me differently...teach me how to open up again...

That I don't want to learn...

Well that was until Mr. Selleck came along....

Our first date was 4 hours long.

Our magical, spiritual second date was 9 hours long.

And then time ceased to matter...

Every time he touched my hand, I would look over like I just discovered something new.

Each kiss made me look into his eyes like I already knew him.

When we had sex whether it was soft and sweet or more erotic, it felt like we were opening up to each other on another level.

A level others only wished they could achieve.

*And yes, Mr. Selleck got his name after Magnum...Magnum PI...wink wink... and although I have had previous mountain climbing expeditions before (and Mr. Selleck is by no means a "rib thumper")...this was totally different...somehow we just fit...

We explored each other more and more...with each exploration I opened my heart up just a little bit more. 

And like some ocean wave that topples you when you aren't looking...

I didn't know what hit me...

The next thing I knew he had reawakened my heart...teaching me to love again...

And it wasn't just on a physical level either.

We connected on so many levels.

Physically

Emotionally

Intellectually

Spiritually...

The hours and hours of talking...and boy if there is one thing that Mr. Selleck likes to do...it's talking...

But I'd listen intently and he's fully focused and we started building a friendship.

We talked about past relationships and I found out that Mr. Selleck had just gotten out of a serious relationship only about 5 months earlier...

And the brakes went on...

I didn't want to be his rebound girl.

That's not how I wanted our story to end.

He was teaching me so much...

We talked about it, at length, several times and he repeatedly assured me.

We continued our journey until one day, quite unexpectedly, like that wave that comes up from behind...Mr. Selleck came over and told me he had lied...

He was only out of his previous relationship less than 2 weeks when we met and he couldn't move forward with our relationship...

All of the sudden he was teaching me an old lesson...a lesson I'd learn years ago...if you let someone in...they can break your heart.

My heart broke...

As the wave pulled me under...all of the sudden I couldn't breathe...trying to find my breath...trying to find footing...my mind flashed to the knowing smile from the red headed psychic...

I called her...

Mr. Selleck and the Psychic...

It was a beautiful, late summer day in the quaint, artsy town of Montclair, New Jersey.

The sun was beating down but not in that "the dogs days of summer" kind of way.  More in a subtle way...whispering it's time was drawing near. It's beautiful rays were indicating that this was one of the last hot days of the season.

In the bustling restaurant, as people filled the outdoor tables trying to soak in the final days of summer, there seemed to be just the two of us...me and Mr. Selleck on our second date.

The conversation and the wine flowed. We weren't aware of anyone but the two of us, which was evident every time the  waiter came over reluctantly asking if we were ready to order and that awkward:

"Sorry we haven't looked at the menu yet" moment repeated several times before we pulled ourselves away to finally order.

*I'm pretty sure the waiter hated us but we made sure we tipped him extra. Extra for the awkwardness and extra for over staying our welcome.

After lunch (and to the relief of our waiter) we ventured out to explored this quaint little town and all its shops.

We barely made our exit, when standing in the middle of the parking lot, Mr. Selleck leaned down to kiss me. And when he did it was like the whole world melted away. No one else existed.

We could have stayed there kissing for hours...and we pretty much did...we would walk, then stop and kiss and continue on.

Without thought we wondered into this little, spiritual shop.

We were greeted by the aroma of patchouli oil and surrounded by crystals, Buddha's and candles.   And in the back room of this shop, visible through a glass door sat a redheaded woman reading the tarot cards.

Having a familiarity with the tarot I tried to glance over at the cards sprawled across the scarf laden table. Mr. Selleck stood behind me with his hand on my back. As I was trying to sneak my peek, the redheaded psychic  glanced up and smiled at me.

A smile that caught me off guard and captured me.

It was a knowing smile. An instant connection. What she knew I had no idea but I felt honesty, sincerity and knowledge...all in that one little smile.

What I saw in her smile is what I felt every time me and Mr. Selleck kissed...honesty, sincerity and knowledge...an instant connection.

An instant, powerful connection.

Was she smiling because she could see our connection or was there something more that she knew.

Either way I wanted to learn. I wanted to know what she knew.

What did she know?

Did she know just how connected we would become?

And how that connection would transform into intimacy?

Did she know why I would start calling him Mr. Selleck?  (hmmm that could have made her smile!)

Did she know all the feelings he was about to bring to surface of my being? All those feelings I thought were buried so deep they were hibernating forever?

Did she know his secret which I was about to learn?

The secret that made me question his sincerity and honesty?

That made me question our connection?

And did she know that just as quickly as things began, it would end.

I didn't know what she knew...

I didn't know what I was about to learn...

But one night Mr. Selleck walked out the door and I felt something I hadn't felt in a long time. I felt my heart break.

But I just couldn't shake the feeling that there was more to our story. 

I couldn't shake the feeling that I knew something but I just wasn't sure what it was...

Like the smile on the psychic face...that knowing smile...I had to go to her and find out...

I had to find out what she knew...

Walking the mile...

The moment you decide to move on, forward, away from or even towards something in your life you are placed on a long and sometimes painful path.

You must walk that mile.

And when that mile is leading you away for someone or something that you hold dear it makes that mile even longer.

I've walked this mile many times.

Sometimes by choice and sometimes crawling on my hands and knees not wanting to go another inch.  Wanting to turn around and run back to where I came from.

Not wanting to walk the mile.

The times I did walk away. The times that I moved on or away from a person, place or event in my life, those times, I can say this...it wasn't easy.

Those times I was crawling. I didn't want to move on but couldn't stay.

So how come there are some times when you can run, others where you can walk and still others when you can barely crawl?

What gives you the ability to move at all?

Is it self preservation?

And why are there some instances when you hold on with all you have and other times you just let go?

Is it in direct relation to how desperately you want it?

I did 16 cycles. 16! And that is not including cycles that were cancelled. If I added in the cancelled cycles it would be more like 20. 20 cycles!

And I still can't let go.

I still can't walk away.

Desperation?

Long ago, when I decided I could no longer be the person who was dishonest and cheated, I decided to walk away from them both.  I ended my affair and I left my high school sweetheart.

Walking away from my high school sweetheart...I am pretty sure that was self preservation.

And when I walked away from Sio...I am 100% sure it was self preservation.

But the guy I cheated on my high school sweetheart with...what was it exactly that I was walking away from...I'm not sure...but the closest I can come to explaining it is...I was walking away from my old self and walking towards my new self.

I still had a long way to go but I needed a clean slate.

A clean slate...hmmm...

Is that what walking away does?

Is that what's at the end of the mile?

A clean slate?

So if I walk the mile...walk away from cycling...walk away from any chance of pregnancy and giving birth...will I be giving myself that clean slate?

The clean slate that I need to embrace what life has in store for me...

The clean slate that allows me to be okay...

Or will walking the mile lead me to the electric chair?

Know when to walk away?

I think there comes a time in person's life when you decide the kind of person that you want to be.

It's called growing up.

It may not happen overnight. It may take many attempts at changing and many hard life lessons but with each lesson you grow up just a little bit.

I remember years ago (many, many years ago) when I was with my high school sweetheart and I went off to college, I was so afraid of losing him. So afraid of not being with him. And even though we were two completely different people than when were together in high school, I still tried so desperately to hang on.

But I was growing. I was changing and in amongst all this change I made some very bad, hurtful decisions.

Instead of allowing us to change and move on in the direction in life we needed to, I tried to keep what we had and move on at the same time.  In trying to do this I ended up cheating on him. I had an affair.

I rationalized it. I tried to make it his fault.  He wasn't there. He wasn't growing up and changing with me. But no, I know now it was my fault. I was the one that made that decision.

But really some 20 odd years later who cares. Right? Who cares that I cheated on my high school sweetheart.

But you see here's the thing. During that time, some 20 years ago, I cared. That time when I was cheating on him, I felt so horrible. I felt like such an awful person that I vowed never to cheat again. I ended my affair and until this day I never cheated.

I decided that I didn't want to be that kind of person. I decided right then and there that I wanted to be a better person.

But in the process of all this change...in the process of growing up...I hurt two people that didn't deserve it.

I am not saying that in that moment I was a grown up and that I was always going to make all the right choices.

I had many other moments where I was making bad decisions.

Inappropriate men, drugs, drinking too much and used to blame this behavior on my father because he left when I was little.

Oh yes...I had it all abandonment issues, daddy issues.

But that's not an excuse...

I made those choices.

I know this now.

It is solely on me.

Those were my choices and my decisions and I can't rationalize it and blame my father just like I can't blame my high school sweetheart for me cheating on him.

And when I came to these realizations, I had to fight to change who I was, fight to be the better person I wanted to be and become that person.

I grew up a little more.

There are struggles, many, I am not perfect but what happens when there are people in your life making bad decisions. People who you fundamentally disagree with their choices and their moral code. 

Do you wait for them to grown up? Do you turn a blind eye and look the other way? Excuse their behavior?

How do I do this when I know how hard I've worked to learn from my mistakes?

How hard I have worked to grow and change into the type of person I want to be?

Are they learning from their mistakes and growing? Or repeating the same bad behavior over and over.

And for how long do you wait for them to grow up?

Most people would say that you shouldn't have those people in your life.  That you should distance yourself and remove them from your life.

Walk away.

But really is it ever that easy?

Now, what if those people are your family or a close friend. Do you walk away? Should you walk away?

What if that person is someone you love? And their choices and their actions have directly hurt you?

Do you wait for them to grown up? Do you turn a blind eye and look the other way? Excuse their behavior? For how long?

How do you know when to walk away?

Because the one thing I realize, that after 4 years of battling Infertility, I have a hard time walking away...

I don't know what to do with my hands...

When I quit smoking I had no idea what to do with my hands.

I didn't know where to put them.

For years their job was to hold my cigarette.

To elevate that cigarette, ever so purposefully,  to my mouth...pause as I inhaled and then slowly lower it back down to my side.

For years ( and years) my hands had a purpose.

When I was no longer smoking my hands lost their purpose.

I didn't know what to do with them.

I would fidget, I'd pace.

I'd put them  in my pocket.

Take them out of my pocket

Put them back in my pocket.

Clasp my fingers.

Unclasp my fingers.

I would fidget, I'd pace.

I didn't know what to do with my hands.

When you do the same thing every month for over four years straight...you kinda get used to it.

It becomes automatic.

So what happens when it stops?

What happens when it's over?

What do you do with yourself?

This time it's not just my hands that seem to have lost their purpose... It's my whole being.

I don't know what to do with MYSELF.

Yes, I have a lot going on in my life.

I have a full time job.

I'm taking classes two nights a week and  I might even have a new man that I am seeing (wink! wink!).

But I don't know what to do with myself.

I don't know where to put my hands.

They should be popping a pill or giving myself a needle.

And that sentence...that sentence alone shows you how addicting cycling is...

Isn't funny that I am having trouble figuring out what to do.

If I'm not manipulating my body in some way to be a receptacle to pregnancy and life, then I don't know what I am doing?

I don't know how to live without cycling.

I can get up every morning, shower, go to work, go to school, shop, study, take out the trash, clean my condo, put on makeup, go out on dates...engage in everyday activities and feel like I'm not doing anything!

I'm not doing anything!

I've lost my purpose.

I have decided not to cycle anymore.  

I ended it.

It is not fair to any potential embryo. Those poor little babies are given the kiss of death by being placed into my uterus.  I will not be the reason they don't have a chance.

I am done but..

I feel misplaced.

Lost...like I should be doing something.

I have decided to focus completely on my adoption. To see it for the miracle that it truly is and devote my heart to it.

It deserves that! 

That's what I should have been doing this whole time.

Waiting is hard.

Waiting is not proactive.

Waiting makes me feel like...

I should be doing something.

While I am waiting, I don't know what to do with my hands...

I don't know what to do with myself...

Never

nev·er

adv.

1. Not ever; on no occasion; at no time:

2. Not at all; in no way; absolutely not:

Sometimes I find myself just staring off into space with the word NEVER ringing in my head.

It's a cacophony of finality.

And all I can feel, see, hear, think...is that I am the woman that will NEVER have kids. I am no longer this woman full of dreams...this go getter that NEVER gives up...I am now the old spinster that NEVER had kids. The one that people whisper about...I am a pity stare.

Will I EVER be anything else?

I have done everything one can think of, spent every dime I have, and I can't have a baby. That hurts more than any words I could EVER type onto a computer screen.

I will NEVER have a baby.

Never...

I will NEVER have another positive pregnancy test.

Never...

I will NEVER have that perfect ultrasound and hear my baby's heartbeat.

Never...

I will NEVER feel my babies kick inside of me.

It's finality is deafening!

Never...

I will NEVER give birth.

Never...

With each failed cycle, each pregnancy and each loss a piece of me died. A piece that I will NEVER get back.

  

Never...

I will NEVER have a baby.

Never...

I will always carry this loss. It will NEVER go away.

Never...

I will NEVER be okay.

Never...

I just wish it wasn't so fucking final.