Cemetery

I am pretty sure it is my "Been there! Done that!" attitude that lead me to confront Mr. Selleck over the "text heard round the world"

I have a really good bs meter!

After he left, I spent the night tossing and turning. In complete shock. I didn't sleep a wink. My brain was in overdrive.

The next day he text me that he was going out with daughter and would get in touch with me later and then put a LY (love you) at the end.

LY is how he ends his texts to me.  And I usually reply with a "ditto".

I didn't reply.

The next day, I sent one simple text.

I replied: "We need to talk"

I felt the only recourse I had was to break up with him.

It felt like such a "cheater" move for him to be texting another woman.

I ran it over and over and over again in my mind.

The smile that crossed his face when he read the text...

The laugh...

That is NOT "just" a friend...

My mind flashed images, like out of a movie scene, of every moment we spent together.

Remembering things he said and how he made me feel.

On one of our dates we went to an open house at an artist's home. As we explored the grounds we found ourselves inside this little chapel that the artist constructed. It was small and had all these strange statues everywhere.

We sat inside and kissed for what felt like forever! Actually there were people standing outside the chapel waiting to go in and look around but saw us kissing and didn't enter. It was a little embarrassing but in that "Ohh sweet love..." kinda way not a "get a room!" kinda way.

Walking around we met this really hip couple Carol and Rich. They met in the 60's in NYC's downtown theatre scene. They were this fun, sassy, cute couple that had been married for 42 years.

We instantly bonded with them and sat there engage in conversation for quite some time.

Later that night after we made love Mr. Selleck wrapped his arms around me, kissed the back of my neck and ear and said: "I want 42 years with you."

I said teasingly: "Why don't we work on 42 days first, then 42 weeks, then 42 months and then 42 years!"

We laid in bed calculating the date that each milestone would fall on.

His words from the fight kept ringing in my head...

"Not too serious?" "Taking things slow"

Those were his words about our relationship after I caught him texting...was I mistaken?

Talking about being together for 42 years...

Aren't those things you say when you are serious?

During our conversation with the hippest couple on earth, Carol said: "Are you two going to get married?"

Mr. Selleck's reply: "Well we were just in the chapel."

It was cute and sweet. Now that is a remark that you don't take too serious.

But mentioning purposing, urging me to try to get pregnant again...those are not things you say causally...that's serious shit!

This made me wonder about every remark he ever made and of course the biggest remark of all:

"I love you!"

Was he being not too serious about that too?

I saw the writing on the wall.

And it was written in red! Big red letters!

RUN!

There were other words starting to appear on the wall too: player, cheater, rebound...the words were light at first but becoming a darker red the more my mind focused on the wall.

I knew I had to break up with him.

My heart hurt. I truly thought he could be "the one" and he certainly led me to believe that too!

I put his belongings in a bag. It wasn't much...a toothbrush, nicorette gum, some bathroom products and some "bedroom" products (wouldn't you like to know!)...

I put them all in a plastic shopping bag and I slipped a note inside.

A note telling him how he made me feel.

My "goodbye" letter.

He responded back to my "We have to talk" text.

He wrote: "Do you want to meet at the gym?"

"Seriously?" I questioned.

He text that he didn't mean it as if nothing happened, he just felt it was a neutral place to talk.

I told him I was going to church.

He then suggested I meet him at the cemetery that his father is buried in. It is right down the street from my church.

I agreed.

I pulled into the cemetery and saw his car.

We both got out.

I walked over to him.

My heart was racing and hurting all at the same time.

With a shaky voice, I told him I couldn't be with him anymore and gave him his bag of stuff that contained  the secret letter.

He asked if we could be friends.

I said no.

He put the bag in his car.

Then we walked around the mausoleum holding hands and talking.

He told me that even though it was a flirtatious text he has no interest in her.  But on her end she has an interest in him.

*So what are you leading her on? Keeping her on the sidelines? - of course these are things I thought of later on to ask!

He then mentioned that it really is just a matter of how serious of a relationship, how big of a relationship he wants right now...

*Okay then don't say serious things!! Don't say BIG things! Once again something I thought of later to say...

He asked me if I wanted to go with him to see his father's grave.

I declined and said my goodbye.

When I got home I started to rethink everything.

I started to I feel like I completely overreacted.

Everything written in red on the wall was now transforming and fading.

It morphed into a plain, white wall, as the words disappeared,  I couldn't see the writing anymore. Unable to read.

I felt heartache...I felt uncertain of my actions when I was so certain before...

My resolve was fading just like the big red letters on the wall...

I felt like I just said goodbye to the best thing that's happened to me in a long, long time.

I sat in my living room in a daze and cried.

Just outside my window I heard the hungered wails of Sematary...my somewhat adopted stray cat.

I pushed open the window and called his name.

"Sematary!" "Sematary!"

There he was, looking up at me with those tortured eyes.

I threw a handful of food out the window.

I watched him walk over, trying to find each nugget in the grass to eat.

I'm not sure how long I stared at him scavenging for nuggets.

I closed the window.

Aimlessly  I walked around my condo. I walked over to my phone.

Slowly picked it up.

Looked at it.

More like studied it.

I sent one text:

"Come over"

An instant reply:

"I'm on my way baby"

Men and Women...

I am a firm believer that men and women cannot be friends unless one important factor is removed from the equation.

Until that factor is removed from the equation it will always linger over the friendship with the possibility of either changing the dynamic of the friendship and igniting it or ruining the friendship all together.

And that factor is sex.

 It is a simple equation man + woman = sex.

Now I know we could say man + man or woman + woman equals sex too but for now we are dealing with the man/woman friendship conundrum.

The only way men and women can truly be friends is if the sex has been taken out of the equation or off the table!

There are a two sure fire ways sex can be removed from the equation:

The First Way:

One of you is gay!

This is the easiest way to remove sex from the equation and wonderful friendships can be had.

I lived with my gay guy for 6 years. We were Will and Grace before the show Will and Grace came out!

My "Will" was a great friend.  We had date night, produced plays together, pretend fought in the supermarket, acted out monologues, worked out, got drunk, cried, consoled, laughed, hugged, slept together...

Yes, we slept together but no sex...

My Will was afraid of thunder. So whenever there was a thunder storm I would get a knock on my bedroom door...

"Can I sleep with you?"

"Come on in!"

I actually recommend that every straight girl get herself a gay boyfriend! They are the best friends a girl can have!

They will never let you leave the house not looking your best! Even if it's only to go to the Home Depot!

And they will never have secret thoughts and/or agendas of trying to get you into bed.

It is the truest and best form of the man/woman friendship.

The Second Way:

You can have sex and realize your are better off friends. You have gotten over  the curiosity and/or tried the relationship and you realize friendship is the best relationship for the two of you.  Sex is now off the table and you can move forward as friends. You will no longer wonder.

The first acting classes I ever took was with a woman named Barbara. She taught at the New School in NYC and gave private lessons in her home.

I was 20 years old and full of hopes and dreams.

I started taking private acting classes with Barbara.

In the class was a handsome man... to me he looked like Sidney Poitier!

My Mr. Poitier! My Sidney was beautiful, talented, charming... and 10 years older than me.

He would say things like: "I have shirts older than you!"

Sidney became my friend and my protector. Taking care of me as I learned to brave this big city on my own.

But you see Sidney and I couldn't be "just" friends because we hadn't taken sex out of the equation yet.

Of course the moment came where the friendship moved forward and we had sex.

I can't remember exactly how long it took. I was somewhere between breaking up with my high school sweetheart and falling in love with my sailor.

I think Sidney and I only had sex once. Maybe twice but then we both went on to fall in love with other people. Me with my sailor and Sidney with a woman he worked with.

Both those relationships ended  but our friendship blossomed.

Sidney was my safe place.

Sidney always "named" my boyfriends.  Always with a "boy"...Sailor boy, Stockbroker boy, Bread boy (he wouldn't call him Breadman!)

He once told me the day he doesn't name him is the day I found the one.

I wonder what he would call Mr. Selleck??

 Sidney and I remained friends for many, many years...until one day...until one day my dear friend moved all the way across the country to the west coast, fell in love and got married...

And I will be honest...even though we removed sex from the equation early on...I still think that there was something more than friendship there...we did have more...I loved him dearly...

In reality maybe our story is more of a tragic love story than an amazing friendship story...because when it comes to men and women being friends, not only is it hard to remove the sex from the equation...it's hard to separate the "what if" or the "what we could be" out of the equation!

Now there are other ways that sex can be removed from the equation but the ones listed above are sure fire ways.

Age could also have something to do with it.

I have a dear friend and ex-business partner who is like a little brother to me (younger than my nephew!) so the friendship never had sex in the equation.

But for the most part if you are thinking: "Hey I have this guy friend and we are "just" friends..."

Chances are at one time or another both of you or at least one of you thought about it.

And more than likely secretly wants it.

You know the "just friends" until both of you are single and sometimes even when you're not.

I had a very good male friend who one day, after years of friendship....made the moves on me...we haven't been friends since...I miss him...

And it's because we NEVER took sex out of the equation.  So it festered over the years...until one day the "what ifs" and the "what we could be" took over.

This "confidant" friend thing is a load of bs too. If you are reaching out to a friend of the opposite sex to talk about your significant other you are "looking" for something outside the relationship. It might not (at first) be sex but it sure is a segue to it!

A good old hop, skip and a jump!

So when Mr. Selleck was in the middle of my living room at 11 o'clock at night texting someone with a smile and a laugh...I knew it wasn't his sister!

"Who are you texting?"

And after prodding he says: "My friend Lisa"

I can't really remember exactly what happened after that.  My mind only plays back certain moments.

We fought.

I think I threw a water bottle at him.

*Okay I know I threw a water bottle at him.

He didn't deny that it was a flirtatious text and he really didn't try too hard to smooth things over.

He actually said that he was taking things slow with us and didn't think things were that serious.

What?

I called him out on him mentioning marriage and his response was more shocking than his texting.

He declared: "When did I mention marriage?"

I tried to jog his memory and said: "When you said my "big decision"  would be having to decided whether I was going to say yes or no to your marriage proposal."

And he told me that didn't really count because he was mentioning it in reference to the psychic.

What?!?!?!??

I was floored.

After he left and even after I received his text stating that he wasn't going to let me say goodbye...I couldn't sleep...all I could think about was that he was sending another woman a flirtatious text...

Is she really "just" a friend?

Or a segue to the "what if"?

A segue to the "what we could be"...

A hop, skip and a jump to....

The text heard round the world...

In my mind it was a done deal...it was me and Mr. Selleck moving forward in a relationship that could be all that he promised it to be.

I was in heaven!

And I was completely in love...

In love with his voice...

In love with his smile...

In love with his laugh...

In love with his long winded stories that he was compelled to tell.

Mr. Selleck loves to talk!

He would talk on and on for hours about every topic imaginable!

I once listened to a 40 minute monologue on mayonnaise.

Freakin' mayonnaise!!

But I didn't care...I listened. I listened intently.  Like mayonnaise was the best thing to come along...since...well since mayonnnaise!

I was in love!

Thanksgiving was approaching and we had already made separate plans with our families.

Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday and hated the thought of not being able to spend it with him.

Mr. Selleck and I always get together on Wednesday nights. Wednesday nights  is one of "our" nights.

And trust me Thursday mornings at work are rough!

So the Wednesday before Thanksgiving I decided to cook a mini Thanksgiving dinner for the two of us.

I got the world's smallest turkey, cooked stuffing and asparagus (that is the one vegetable I know Mr. Selleck loves) and a mini apple pie for dessert.  Plus two bottles of wine and some after dinner cognacs...ahhhh...heaven!

We met at the gym (we had recently started working out together) and unknown to Mr. Selleck, I had our mini celebration waiting for us at home.

After the gym I would surprise him with "our holiday" and then later in the evening Sissy L and niece Jay (my almost birthday twin) were coming over for after dinner drinks.

Everything was going according to plan.

We finished up at the gym.

As we were leaving the gym, we had taken separate cars, we paused in the parking lot to kiss.

I gave him a long, passionate kiss and then a bunch of tantalizing, little pecks all over his lips and cheeks.

I turned, and with a knowing little smile said: "See you at home".

I got to the condo first, ran up the stairs and inside. I lit the candles on my table set for two and waited for him to come up the stairs.

I love the sound of him walking up the stairs.  It makes my heart race with anticipation of seeing him even if I just saw him.

I ran to the door and opened it proudly displaying our Thanksgiving!

He kissed me and said:

"Wow! This is great! I can't believe you did all this! But...."

"But??" I was confused and then sheepishly he smile at me and said..."But can we go in the bedroom for a little bit first? Those kisses you gave me outside the gym really turned me on"

He grab me and we kissed.

He continued kissing me as we made our way to the bedroom.  A stream of clothes lay in our wake.

As Mr. Selleck's body pressed on top of mine,  I could feel his heart beating.  And he whispered I love you in my ear.  I looked up at him. There's something about the way his face looks when he is looking down at me that makes me melt. I could have looked up at him all night long...

After working up an appetite at the gym and in the bedroom we enjoyed our mini Thanksgiving dinner.

Sissy L and niece Jay joined us for some after dinner cognacs and well...the conversation flowed.

And we all know how much Mr. Selleck likes to converse. But this time it was funny family stories as told by me, Sissy L and niece Jay.

Mr. Selleck reveled in them.  Interjecting things like: "Ohhhh I've never heard that story about you before!" and "I didn't know you did that!" as he seemed to take great pleasure in discovering new things about me.

The night wrapped up.

The next day niece Jay and myself drove to my mom's for Thanksgiving...we continued the reminiscing conversation and of course shared our thoughts on Mr. Selleck.

I told her how he mentioned marriage and how it all felt so right.

She commented on how great we were together and could see us going far.

I spent Thanksgiving at my mom's and Mr. Selleck spent his at his sister's.

It felt like we were apart for an eternity.  It was one day.

Then Friday came...the day after Thanksgiving and Mr. Selleck and I met BFF V and her family at this great crab leg place for, of course, crab legs.

I was introducing Mr. Selleck to V and mine's favorite crab leg place. It is a place that if no one told you about it...you wouldn't stumble upon it. But it is a gem of a place. V and I have been going there for years. They are known for their buffet, soup/salad/dessert bar, crab legs and GIANT drinks...what more could one ask for!

And they are only open Thursday - Saturday.

There have been numerous times where V and I have shown up on a Sunday wondering why the place is closed...only to see the sign stating their Thursday - Saturday business hours.  Did I mention that V and I have shown up numerous times on Sunday...sigh...

The night was great. V was great, her husband was great, the kids were great, the crab legs and drinks were great and of course me and Mr. Selleck were great.

Or so I thought great...

Was I just blinded by all the "sweet nothings" he whispered in my ear...

Blinded by the talk of love and the mention of marriage?

Blinded by the mind-blowing sex?

So blinded that I didn't realize that his "sweet nothings" were really nothing?

Because later that evening when we got home I found out how blinded I really was....

At 11 o'clock at night in the middle of my living room he blew my mind...

Because at 11 o'clock at night, the Friday after Thanksgiving,  in the middle of my living room...

He was texting another woman...

I kicked him out.

When he got home...he sent another text...

This time the text was to me...

It read...

"I'm not letting you say goodbye."

As predicted...

Mr. Selleck and I sauntered out of that quaint, spiritual shop in Montclair NJ, leaving the redheaded psychic and her predictions behind.

We found our way to a little Italian cafe for lunch.

As we sat sipping wine (Mr. Selleck and I enjoyed trying new wines) I started revealing some of the things the psychic saw in the cards...

And just as the redheaded psychic predicted, Mr. Selleck was "all on board"...

I  told him about her prediction that I would adopt a little Asian girl...

And he was "all on board"...

I told him about the dream I had with visions of Samuel...how it differed from what the cards predicted...

And he was "all on board"...

He was so "on board" with Samuel that he predicted my vision would come true. That I had the gift and the redheaded psychic...well she was a hack...

I went on to reveal that the redheaded psychic said she saw me pregnant and felt I would have both a child from my adoption and a child from birth...

Mr. Selleck...well...once again...he was "all on board"...

So "on board" that he wanted me to cycle again. I tried explaining the toll cycling takes on one's soul and the devastation of miscarriage but he just knew that it would work this time (if only I try....) because I now had the support of a man that loved me...I, of course, know better and told him I wasn't sure if I had the strength to try again.

I diverted the conversation...there is just something wrong with casually conversing about cycling with someone...someone who has no idea the pain it causes and no idea the post traumatic stress involved...even if that someone is "all on board".

Of course he inquired numerous times about what she said about him but I played it off...

And then...

Then...

I mentioned the mysterious "Big Decision"

And Mr. Selleck...well...you guessed it...

All on board!

He then declares:

"It will be whether or not you say yes or no!"

"Yes or no to what?"

My head ringing with the conductor yelling: "ALL ABOARD!!!"

"To whether or not you'll marry me!"

At that moment everything seemed to slow down...real slow...dreamlike slow...it felt like the moment  it took for me to respond was eternal.

Here I was looking at him...him...this man who less than two weeks ago blindsided me with his declaration that he couldn't commit was now sitting next to me mentioning marriage...

Could this be?

As predicted...("You won't be single for long!")

Could this really be?

Could it be that  the one part of "the dream" that I let slip away so long ago was sitting right next me?

I finally spoke:

"Well I guess we will have to wait and see."

Lunch went on. The conversation went on.

We made our way home to my place and made love all night (and aka fucked all night - I don't mean this in a crass way. There are some very strong connections when you are fucking too!).  Mr. Selleck and I had both that primal urge and the softer one...it was an erotic combination...

And that's pretty much how our nights continued to go...

Long slow kisses with Mr. Selleck on top of me...desperate grabs as he flipped me over and kissed the back of my neck...and an uncontrollable desire as he pulled me on top of him...

Our mornings were filled with love making too and afternoons were filled with texts of:

 "I love you!"

 "I miss you!"

 "I'm thinking of you!"

I remember after one of our nights  of pure erotic love making...

Mr. Selleck declaring that it was: "Mind blowing sex!"

And it was...mind blowing sex...

It's funny....I don't know if anyone could have predicted that kind of sex....mind blowing....

But another thing I don't think anyone could have predicted, not even the redheaded psychic , was how badly Mr. Selleck was really going to blow my mind!