The Meaning of Hope Part II

On the day my grandmother passed I got a phone call from my sister.

It was the middle of the day and I was at work.

I looked down at my cell phone, saw who it was and then sent my sister right to voicemail.

I didn't think twice about it for the rest of the day.

About an hour before it was quitting time, I listened to the voicemail my sister left.

She told me that the nursing home called to let us know that my grandmother was passing and she probably didn't have long.  If someone wanted to come out and sit with her they should hurry.

My sister was calling me because I was the closest but I sent her to voicemail and went about my day.

It makes my heart sad to know that I could have gone to her.

I could have held her hand...if I had only picked up the phone. 

I wish I could have been by her side.

My grandmother was a funny, sassy, strong woman.

She was a woman who was more fond of children than adults.

Who couldn't cook to save her life!

My mother tells the funniest stories of her childhood and my grandmother's  non-culinary skills.

My grandmother would try to cook something in the pressure cooker only inevitably to have the fire department come and run the damn thing outside to the driveway!

There would be this pressure cooker in the middle of the driveway and a bunch of fireman standing far back.

And this happened more than once! Not a good cook.

When I was little I remember my grandmother scraping the burnt off the toast before giving it to us! She burnt everything! And the funny thing is...to this day I LOVE the burnt edges of things!

My aunt can go on and on with hysterical grandma stories.  Like the time when my aunt and mom pulled up on motorcycles onto front lawn of my grandma's house. 

My grandma walks out and without even flinching, says: 

"Oh look my daughters are home!"

Even when my grandmother came down with Alzheimer's, she had moments of shear lucidity and she was funny.

There was the time when my aunt (who was married twice...and well...let's face it...multiple marriages seem to "run" in my family...well except for me, my one cousin and grandma!), well my aunt told my grandma that she was going out to church and my grandmother's response: 

"Oh lord, you're not getting married again are you?"

Funny! Sassy!!

And when she passed I felt a void. A void not only for myself because I missed my grandma but a void for my children who will never get to know her.

To honor my grandmother, at her funeral my sister order a beautiful collection of flowers including a grave blanket and a wreath.

The flowers were Irises. My grandmother's favorite flower and the wreath had a banner on it that said:

"Hope is always with us!"

But none of us ever got to see those beautiful flowers and that heartfelt wreath. The funeral home made a mistake and sent the flowers to another funeral.

And the mistake was crazy because my grandmother's name...well my grandmother's name is...

Hope

Now some could argue that the phrase: "Hope is always with us!" is generic but for us (me and my family) it's not.

Hope means more to us.

Hope is a strong, crazy, sassy lady who used to tell all of these imaginative stories that earned her the nickname:  "Tall Tale Hope".

And she's family.

She's my grandma.

Grandma Hope was always a very charitable woman.  She supported the church and volunteered in her community. We felt that her flowers going to someone else was her last act of charity. And I am sure they were beautiful.

If my child is a little girl I will name her Hope.

After my grandma.

And with all my doubts and fears. Through all my anger and hurt I will try to tap into all the strength that I inherited from my amazing grandmother and remember that:

"Hope is always with us!"

The Meaning of Hope Part I

In starting my final "final" attempt at getting pregnant, I am also going to a new clinic.

Well kinda...it's a new/old clinic.

I actually went back to Dr. Period aka Dr. Bumbles.

Dr. Period is a doctor known for having success with women with high FSH and DOR. And a man who dictates when he talks. Yes, he literally ends each sentence saying out loud the punctuation.

"We are going to run some tests and do an ultrasound PERIOD."

"Once I review the results we will decide on your protocol PERIOD."

Weird!

And freakin hysterical because the first time I talked with him I thought that when he said PERIOD he meant Leroy!! That he meant menstruation...Ha! And RE that says PERIOD!!

I went to him 2 years ago so I could be placed on the clinics donor embryo list. This clinic is also known for its donor embryo program and I wanted to have a back-up plan to my back up plan.

And it is with this back-up to my back-up I have decided try my final (and this time I mean final) attempt.

I have had so many failures since my miscarriage.  Five to be exact. Negative HTP after negative HTP and then the heartbreaking BFP...wait...no...BFN...known as a chemical pregnancy.  But I was always trying something different with each new cycle until I ran out of things to try...except for trying a new clinic.

So back to Dr. Period it is and my final "final" attempt with donor embryos.

 BUT here's the catch...

The doctor I am seeing there isn't Dr. Period.

Hmmm who could it be?

Wait for it....

It's  Dr. CORNY!!!  

Dr. Corny from my old, old clinic (crap how many clinics have I been to??) who was partners with Dr. Wow.  I was not a fan of Dr. Corny and his ever so chipper southern charm then:

"How y'all doing today? Yer just gonna put yer feet up in these stirrups right here." 

Puke!

And now it seems like I can't get away from this guy.

But I am grateful for one more try...one more chance...one more...just one more...

Gratefulness looks back. Hope looks forward with desire and reasonable confidence and expectation. By looking back, gratitude fuels forward-looking hope.

Dr. Corny is making me repeat a lot of tests I mean A LOT of tests...which is fine.

I would love for them to see my results say: "AHHH HAAA!!!! There's the problem!"  But they haven't found anything (so far) contributing to my failures.

In order to get all of these test done (and covered) I also did 2 IUIs. My insurance covers unlimited IUIs...how asinine is that! Healthcare insurance is just so mismanaged on so many levels! No I will not start a healthcare rant BUT I will tell you this...I will be doing an IUI at 50! Why? Because these morons will cover it that's why! 

Okay moving on...

So I did 2 IUIs in preparation for my upcoming donor embryo cycle.

I didn't expect them to work. I have a better chance of winning powerball but...

As with over-matched ball teams that are behind late in the game, hanging their heads without oomph, without hope for the future, there isn’t power for the present.

But there was this little spark inside of me. This spark that has been missing and somehow reignited.

I knew those IUIs wouldn't work but in my head I started imagining "what if".

And isn't that hope?

Of course they both failed.

But that's okay...I got something from them...a spark...some hope...

I was at my mother's hanging out right after the 2nd IUI failed and I said: "I knew that it wasn't going to work. I knew it but I still hoped that it would."

And my mom said: "Of course you did. Hope is why we keep on living. Without hope what's the point."

Hmmm....

Without hope what's the point....

And I realized that even though I feel like I've lost all hope.

Even though I have been struggling with my beliefs...

I realized that I must have hope.

More hope than you could imagine!

I must have a shit load of hope because I keep on going.  

A shit load!

On a side note - I wonder where the expression "shit load" came from.  I can just see some trucker with a truck load of manure..."Hey buddy whatcha hauling?"...."A shit load!"

But I must have a shit load!

I keep trying!

Why else would I keep putting myself through this hell if I didn't have hope?

Persons who tend not to be grateful tend not to be hopeful.

And I am grateful! I am grateful that Dr. Corny is running all these tests. I am grateful for my Hail Mary IUIs and I am grateful that I have a back-up plan to my back-up plan.

And crap...as much as I hate to admit it...I am hopeful!

Cycle #16 here I come and I hope beyond hope that this is the one...otherwise what is the point?

Hope is Our Greatest Treasure

Hope, faith, believing etc, etc, etc.

It's no secret that mine ability to sustain any has been dwindling.

It is so hard for me to find something to hold on to.

I don't believe in "Everything Happens for a Reason" and I don't believe in signs...

But I want too.

I do have moments.

And I try so hard to hold on to them.

I think of Samuel. And pray that it was truly God's way of letting me know that he's heard. God has heard.

And I think of Pastor Don and how much he believes.

But me...I'm dwindling...because I also think of all those moments that I did believe...truly, truly believed with all my heart and soul only to have the rug ripped out...well more like only to plummet to my spiritual death.

Those times unfortunately are numerous...

And well...I'm dwindling...or should I say pretty much tapped out.

"I want a reason for the way things have to be

I need a hand to help build up some kind of hope inside of me" - Train

I know I have mentioned our two stray cats that hang out around the condo complex: Missy and Sematary.

Missy hangs out at the condo unit on the end. That's where Kasha, that lady that lives there and who I have friended over the years, feeds her.

Every night when I come home, I see Missy sitting there patiently waiting for Kasha to feed her.

Missy is pretty much her cat and Sematary, well Sematary has pretty much become my cat.

Sematary will walk around outside with his spastic gate, wailing the horrible cry and I'll open the window, call his name and throw a handful of dry food out. I am on the 2nd floor so it just scatters in the grass. But Sematary will come over look up at me with his yellow, glowing eyes and eat.

Recently Sematary has been "hanging out"  below my window, not just zombie walking around. And at strange times. He doesn't really do that.

When I open the window, he looks up at me with those sad, yellow eyes but doesn't come over and eat.

He'd just stands there looking at me.

I thought it was odd.

And then one day I was talking with Kasha and she asked me "Have you seen Missy?"

I said "No but I've seen Sematary. Missy has to be around."

Kasha then tells me that the basement window that Missy and Sematary go in and out of (which just happens to be under my window) was boarded up by the maintenance men.  And the more I thought about it the more I realized that I haven' t seen Missy.

We were certain Missy was boarded up inside.  

And I was certain that's why Sematary was hanging out outside my window looking up at me with those sad, yellow eyes and wailing that hollow wail.

We tried prying the board off.  No luck.

I was able to get a board off at an opening a little further down from where they usually go in and out.  I figured Missy could find her way out now.

Every night when I came home I looked for Missy. Her spot under Kasha's window was painfully empty and everything felt wrong.

In the meantime I've been trying to get all the tests done (mostly annoying repeats of tests I have already taken...um...some 4 fucking years ago!) so I can embark once again on my "final" cycle.

If I can give up the ghost or should I say the TTC drug this will truly be my final cycle.

So, anyway in the meantime I have been preoccupied with tests, needles, meds, CD1, CD2, CD3 etc...all the things that make you break down and cry.

In the process I found out that my health insurance's policy on prescriptions has changed and in the giant world of total scam and how can we rip off the public, I now have to pay 50% of all my meds...Oh, yes 50%! I couldn't imagine if I needed certain meds to live...with the way drug companies gouge prices! WTF!! I would die! Talk about a death panel...

I will move on because I don't want this to turn into a rant.

The point being now Crinone (lousy progesterone cream!!) is WAY OUT OF MY PRICE RANGE!! They quoted me a co-pay of $1,000.

ONE THOUSAND FREAKING DOLLARS!!

They are out of their fucking minds!

And why, why is Crinone so stinking expensive! I can get progesterone in oil (PIO) dirt cheap. Yeah, sure you have to administer it with the world's largest needle but $30 verses $1000! Bring on the needles!

*On a side note...I am a pro at needles. I decided to count one OE IVF cycle and I gave myself over 200 hundred needles that cycle! 200 needles and I didn't even get a lousy t-shirt! I think I deserve a prize...anyhoo...

I started looking at online sites to see if I could purchase someone's left over meds. I have done this before and it's worked out well...well except for one time and one douche bag who ripped me off. It was only for $40 but still, it made me leery.

I started dealing with a woman online who seemed lovely but in my skepticism I did require the transaction to be a little more secure on my end. She agreed. No problem.

She sent my Crinone with a tracking number and I paid her.

And as I waited for my Crinone, I also waited for Missy.

Why hasn't she come out?

Maybe she wasn't boarded in?

Kasha begged the maintenance man to open the exact basement window that Missy would go in and out of and they did.

Still no Missy and nothing felt right.

Missy has been sadly absent for just about two weeks, it was on the verge of night as I pulled into my condo parking lot and there underneath Kasha's window was an outline of a kitty...it was Missy.

I parked my car and ran to Kasha's side window. She had just turned off her lights for the night. I whispered loudly: "Kasha! Kasha! It's Missy! Missy is here!"

With tears in her eyes and a lump in her throat Kasha said: "Ohhhhhh! Ohhhhh! Let me feed her!"

And I left as Kasha fed Missy.

Missy was thin and scared but she was back. And the next night when I pulled into the parking lot, seeing Missy sitting under Kasha's window...all I could think was...

Everything is right again.

I got to my front door and there sat my package of Crinone.

I went inside, opened the box, promptly put the medication in the refrigerator and then I noticed something in the bottom of the box.

There was a white lace satchel. I opened it up and inside was a bracelet with a charm that says:

Hope is Our Greatest Treasure

I immediately email the woman I bought the Crinone from and expressed my gratitude.  I told her that the world needs more people like her. And it does.

And for one moment.

I felt some hope returning to me.

All seemed right.

Missy was back.

Sematary went back to walking around with his spastic gate, wailing that soul wrenching wail...

And I actually had a little bit of hope that my next cycle might work...

Well I say "had" because it's already fading...there's a whole screw up with my HSG that I will have to blog about...

But I do wear my bracelet every day.

A little reminder...

And Kasha...well Kasha thinks Sematary walks around wailing like that because he's horny!

Hmmm....that brings on a whole new meaning!  And one I can unfortunately still relate too!

In my head...

It's funny how your brain conjures up images and pictures of things that you want to happen or could happen...

One event occurs and I can imagine a whole lifetime of events that follow.

You go on a first date and if all goes well you are imaging more dates, your first kiss and your first time...

Does it usually happen that way? No!

But you still keep coming up with scenarios.

You do it with job interviews, planned vacations, things as small as meeting for drinks after work all the way to how your cycle is going to end...

I've imagined that my blog would become a documentary or feature film.

I've even imagined starting a Facebook  page for Runt that would rival Grumpy Cat!

You imagine all these wonderful, beautiful scenarios hoping that something wonderful and beautiful will come out of whatever situation has your imagination a buzz.

It's amazing how many outcomes that have never come to see the light of day that have lived inside my head.

But it never ends the way I imagined. (Although Runt could still have his own Facebook page!)

I just keep coming up with these scenarios and it seems that all the scenarios that I have created always end up happening for others!

With my first pregnancy, I was still bartending. For the first month I would sneak off from behind the bar to grab a snack to settle my stomach or to get away from a nauseating smell usually emanating from a patron and all the while I am imagining how I am going to tell all my "Leaf" girls and how  with each shift my belly will become more and more visible.

But no, that didn't happen. I miscarried on Saint Patrick's day while bartending and no one was the wiser. I always think to myself..."Man it's a good thing our uniform had black pants"...because on that day all would have been the wiser if we didn't.

I ended up leaving that job and not too long after one of my "Leaf" girls got pregnant and with each shift she worked her beautiful belly became more and more visible.

I've imagined an "oops" natural pregnancy (and yes there were "opportunities")...but that vision was not for me...but for someone else...

I've imagined high betas, twins, ultrasounds, due dates...

Nope...nope...nope and nope...all to others.

I've imagined my adoption coming through and every Sunday in church when Pastor Don does "Time with Children"  I envision my little baby (okay boy, I will admit it...when I've envisioned it, it was my little boy) running up and sitting on the steps next him.

Actually there have been many things I have imagined in church.

All not so pleasant though.

As I have stated before I am struggling. Struggling with faith. And giving up on believing...

So many times in church, especially when we are sharing the sign of peace I almost expect the whole congregation to turn and point at me while screaming because they have spotted a non believer in their midst...just like the scene at the end of Invasion of the Body Snatchers....

Especially now since I have made the conscious decision to say "He is not."

I don't have the heart to tell Pastor Don. I don't have the heart to tell him I don't believe.

See Pastor Don wrote the most amazing letter of recommendation for me for my adoption so I always envisioned walking into church with my baby knowing he would be blessing my baby and my baby would inherit his faith.

If on Sunday there's a Christening. I watch the service in a daze as I day dream about Pastor Don holding my little baby up for all the congregation to see as everyone sings "Jesus Love Me".

And if there was one daydream, one scenario that I have envisioned, that I would give anything to see come true it would be that...but once again it is not for me...it is for someone else...

Pastor Don has retired.

He ends his service in one month.

I already feel like such an imposter.  But if there is one thing that I do believe in when I walk into that church...it is Pastor Don.

I believe in him.

I believe he believes...

Without him I don't know if I can keep up the facade.

I can't envision sitting in the pew listening to another give a sermon...

Without him I am positive they will all turn and point and scream...

Addiction

ad•dic•tion 

/əˈdikSHən/

Noun

The fact or condition of being addicted to a particular substance, thing, or activity

Substance

You turn off the lights but the last thing you want to do is sleep. You turn off the lights but the sun is rising and it's filling your room with illuminating streaks. The birds begin to chirp. The neighbors begin to wake. Your heart is racing and your blood is pumping.  You try to relax. You put in the same movie that you have watched over and over and over again. You hope that the half gallon of booze you drank is enough to bring you down. But all your body wants is one more line. And all your hearts wants is for it all to stop.  And your brain, all your brain can think the whole time is: "Oh my God...I've done it again!"

You toss...turn. You're tense. It's 6 am and you are wondering how you are ever going to make it to work later that day.  You swear if you just go to sleep: "I'll never do it again".  All the while concocting a plan on how to get some more to get you through the next day because:

All your body wants is one more line...

One more line to make it stop...

She never mentions the word addiction

In certain company

~ The Black Crowes

I have had many addictions and I debated about whether or not I wanted to share them here, explore them here...there might be people in my real life that read this and have no idea how deep my addictions ran...

After all, I was supposed to be the "good one".

I also run the risk of harsh judgment...but hey I am a "Who gives a f'ck!" kinda gal!...and I am pretty sure no one will judge me any harder than I do myself.

So do I open up and explore my addicted past...

I think I just did! Yes, I was addicted.  

I spent many nights as described above.

I remember when Sober came out by Pink...I posted that video on my Facebook page.  One of my good friends (who is much younger than me) said: "Yeah, I watched the video. I just don't get it." and I said to him: "That's because you've never been addicted"

Yes, I was addicted.  

"Looking for myself SOBER" ~ Pink

And battled. And I won...and it is in the past now.

So I shouldn't beat myself up right?

The past is the past right?

We should embrace it. It makes us who we are today...Right?

Yeah...it does make us who we are today...

But what if in the process of making you who you are today, it destroys who you wanted to be!

Thing

My relationship with Sio was an addiction.

When I was with Sio I knew that we weren't meant to last. He was too young. Too unsettled. I was looking to settle down. A mixture for failure.

Sio and I should have been nothing more than a fling and I should have moved on.  But I couldn't.

I had been single for a while so when Sio came around, flirting and showing interest it was like I had to have it.

I couldn't let go of that thing...that thing that made me feel loved...

I remember at the time talking to one of my "shore house" girlfriends and she asked me: "What are you doing?"

 I said to her: "He loves me. I'm just not ready to give him up yet. Just a little while longer." 

Addicted...

And when Sio would go and act like the 20-something he was I would get mad. We'd have a big fight and I would leave him.

Only to have him beg me not to go. He would tell me how much he loved me and I would cave and take him back every time all the while knowing....knowing it should end...knowing I had to give up that thing...

This went on for years...I was addicted to it...

I was addicted...addicted to that vicious cycle of "I hate you!" "I love you".

And like any addiction in the end it always does more harm than good.

But I needed that "thing" so desperately.  Taking him back was the only thing that would make it stop. Make the heartache stop...

Activity

Addiction is consuming me again.  

And the object of my addiction is the only thing I can think about now.

The funny thing about addiction is that it is always with you and I am not going to lie...lately...there are days when I want to go out buy a pack of smokes and a bottle of whiskey and call it a night...drown myself in alcohol and nicotine...

But I am addicted to something else...

Something much bigger...

Something greater...

TTC

TTC is the most consuming and self destroying addiction I have ever had...the lengths that I am going to are beyond and I can't stop...

Like any good addict I keep trying to find a way for "just one more".

"And if I let myself go I'm the only one to blame" ~ Pink

Yes, I am cycling again...

Because this time, this one more time is the time that's going to make it stop. Right?

This time it has to work and then the pain will stop...Right?

Just one more...at any cost...just one more...no matter what the price...just one more...

But eventually...I will have to come down because like any addiction in the end it always does more harm than good.

ad•dic•tion 

/əˈdikSHən/

Verb

Trying to make it stop!

And all the while it is making you who you will be...but what if it's not who you want to become...

"When it's good then it's good, it's so good till it goes bad

Till you're trying to find the you that you once had

I have heard myself cry, "Never again"

Broken down in agony, just tryin' find a friend" ~ Pink

Has God run out of miracles?

First, I want to thank everyone who donated to my cousin's son! I am always humbled by the generosity of others. You are all truly inspiring.  And of course we are always open to more generosity...

Click here to Donate

Second, I will be swearing a lot in this post.  Sorry but when I'm upset my Jersey girl comes out and sometimes the only thing left to say is fuck!

I am almost at the 4 year mark. This summer it will be 4 years since I first walked into an REs office.

I was naive, clueless...I thought I would get pregnant on the first try!

I didn't know people didn't get pregnant on the first try.

I thought the only thing I was missing was the man... (Silly little girl...I actually mourned the man before moving forward!)

4 years later...

4 long years that have flown by.

4 years of heartbreak and sorrow.

4 years of dreams being shattered.

4 years of doctors, needles, drugs, poking, prodding and test after test after test.

4 years of hopes crushed, miscarriages, negative HPTs.

4 years of soul crushing loss and identity stealing suffering.

4 years!

4 years!!

4 YEARS!!!!

4 FUCKING YEARS!!!

4 MOTHER FUCKING YEARS!!!!

In my delusion I thought my miracle was just around the corner.

I thought if I just held on...

If I prayed...

If I begged for forgiveness...

If didn't lose faith....

If I kept trying...

Kept believing...

If I only...

Did acupuncture...

Wheatgrass...

Royal Jelly...

DHEA...

If I only...

Changed donors...

Changed clinics...

Did fresh...

Did frozen...

Tested for this...

Tested for that....

If I only... Adopted...

I have seen so many get their miracle.

So, so many....and it does fill me with hope and light...

Well at least for a little while...

Until another day passes...another week...another month...another year...

And I am back to...

If I only...do this that and the other thing....

So where's my miracle?

I am sick of being everyone's greatest fear come to life!

"I'm so afraid this cycle won't work."

"I'm so afraid I'll never get pregnant."

"I'm so afraid I end up with nothing."

"I'm so afraid I won't ever be a mom."

Well, "HEL-FUCKING-LO" have you met Michaela!?

Yup everything that everyone fears while facing IF...I am the god damn poster child!

And yes, is this post a little self pitying...you are damn fucking right it is.

For those of you thinking: "Count your blessing." Blah Blah and etcetera...I do every single fucking day.Thank you very much!

I love my life.  I love my friends and my family. I love my condo and my kitties.

I recently went back to school and I love it!

Every day I express my gratitude.

I am cheerful and happy....well maybe not cheerful...but I have a hell of a sense of humor...and I laugh a lot...

Most wouldn't last 5 minutes never mind 4 years.

So where the hell is my miracle!?

Every night I pray and every morning I say Thank you!

And I kept telling myself that fear is not being able to see my miracle right around the corner...

That I need a faith greater than fear right! Right?

And if I have a faith greater than my fears I can have peace knowing that my miracle will come...right?

But it's been 4 years...

4 torturous years...and now all I can think after watching so many get their miracles...all but me...is that God must have ran out.

One of a Kind

I would like you all to meet Josh.

Josh has a one of a kind disease.

Alternating Hemiplegia of Childhood (AHC) - a rare but debilitating neurological disorder causing temporary bouts of paralysis.

One in every 1 million children suffers from AHC.

Josh is one of those children but Josh is so much more than one in a million...

He is one of a kind.

Josh has a one of a kind heart.

A one of a kind soul.

A one of a kind smile.

A one of a kind laugh.

A one of a kind spirit.

And a one of a kind strength.

A one of a kind strength that I know he gets from his mother.

My cousin.

Strength runs in our family.

I come from a family full of fearlessly strong, beautiful women who overcome every day.

Their strength amazes me. Especially on days when I feel so weak.

But when I look at Josh and his one of a kind determination I know where all that strength comes from...

Our greatest strength come from our greatest love.

Strength comes from love...

And Josh's one of a kind mom is using her strength fueled by her unconditional love to help find a cure for her son.

She has put that strength and love into creating this amazing event.

CureAHC Mixed Round Robin Doubles Tournament

But she needs your help and your support.

Please to donate to help find a cure and show us your one of a kind spirit.

Every little bit helps  - and all donations are invaluable (and one of a kind!)

Click here to make a donation. 

If you live in the Atlanta area and want to register to participate  - Click here to register! 

Get out there and have some tennis fun while raising money for a good cause!

And Josh has a one of a kind message of thanks for you:

There is strength in love....

Forever grateful!

Naked

In order to get my homestudy approved, one of the requirements is to get a physical.

Out of all the requirements, I mean really, in actuality how hard is that. No biggie right...

So around this time last year when I was working on my homestudy, I went and got a physical.

But I have to admit it really wasn't much of a physical. My doctor, Dr. General (my general practitioner at the time) gave me a very quick once over, didn't do any of the required blood work, scribbled on my form and handed it back to me. And in between scribbling on my form he was making comments and questioning me on my age, my income and asking me how expensive it is to adopt...Really???

I should have asked him how much his Mercedes cost but I was taken back by his comments, like he was putting me under the microscope.

I was feeling very scrutinized, very exposed...naked...

 And I was getting really annoyed. I mean really annoyed.  This was a doctor I have been going to since I was a teenager. This is the doctor that literally held my hand when he thought I had Leukemia, a doctor that knew about my miscarriages, the same doctor who when I went to him for clearance to do IVF a few years earlier of course said that old familiar phrase... "Why don't  you just adopt?"

and now...

Now he was throwing out these little digs, these judgments and it was inappropriate and annoying.  I was annoyed that he didn't take it seriously, that he was so callous about whether or not I should continue to pursue motherhood, that he didn't show enough respect to fill out my form,  my adoption form, a form that is so important to me, a form that is my world, that he didn't take 10 minutes out of his lousy day before he sped off in his Mercedes to fill it out properly.

Luckily when I sent in his chicken scratch to my social worker she accepted it and subsequently  after many other requirements were completed, I was homestudy approved.

But on that day, the day Dr. General decided to pass down judgment instead of doing his job,  I was feeling very vulnerable...very exposed... it was all the questions and concerns that I have already asked myself a hundred times but hearing them from him...it left me naked...

The reality is that I knew I could never sit in front of Dr. General again without feeling naked...without feeling like he was looking at my most private parts and disapproving...

So, I switched doctors and now I go to his partner. Dr. Partner. I tell them in the office that I made a mistake on my insurance and claimed the wrong doctor as my primary and haven't bothered to change it.

But it's really because Dr. General saw me naked.

Or should I say forced my clothes off...

One would think with all of the personal information and private parts that I have exposed over the last 4 years of my life that I would be comfortable naked...

And in the physical sense I am.

I have no modesty when it comes to the RE, speculums and the downtown fun with Wanda.

Half the time I am taking off my pants before the nurse has even had a chance to leave the room.

The running joke is that I have to remember to keep my pants on when I go to the dentist.

So today, about one year later from my last physical since my adoption agency requires a new physical every year, I went in for another physical.

I made an appointment with Dr. Partner and when he comes into the room he starts going over my form one line at a time.

I had mentioned that Dr. General really didn't do any tests and Dr. Partner says to me: "If we are going to do this, we are going to do it right."

And he proceeded to do everything on the form. Taking care to fill out properly and even asking if this was my first adoption and congratulating me...I felt fully clothed...

Until...

Until  Dr. Partner said that although it was not required on my form, he always performs an EKG for his physicals and would like me to have one.

Okay! No biggie right!

So, the nurse comes in with a paper gown but it wasn't the pink paper gown that I'm used to.

No, it was white and short?? It's like a vest.

And then she says something to me that I am still trying to process...she says....

"Please get undress from the waist up. And put the vest on with the opening in the front."

And walks out of the room.

From the waist up???

I know there was a look of confusion on my face...I think it's still there....

I went to get undress but my body automatically started undressing from the waist down!

I have NEVER undressed from the waist up!

I must have stood there staring at the white paper vest wondering what to do with it for a couple of minutes.

All I wanted to do was kick my shoes off, pull down my pants and take off my undies...

But I had to stop...I had to think...and then I did it...I took off my shirt...took off my bra and put on the white paper vest.

And all the sudden I was naked!

My boobs were out!

WTF!!

My cookie can be out all the live long day but my boobs!!

I was aware...very aware!!

I was NAKED!! From the waist up NAKED!!

Once it was all over I was glad to cover up and all I kept thinking of  is if you really want to fuck with an Infertile....

Ask them to undress from the waist up and watch the expression on their face...

I am sure mine was priceless!!

**Okay in keeping with the rules of the Liebster Award here is my question to you: "When was a time you felt completely naked?" Please answer in the comments!

An Award and a Free Pass

Julia over at Finding a Way Out nominated me for a Liebster.

Thank you Julia!! Thank you so much!

Here are the rules:

This award is given to new or up and coming bloggers who have less than 200 followers…the award is then passed along to other bloggers in the same category to help spread the word and support one another.

If you receive the award, there are a few rules to follow…

1) Each blogger nominated must post 11 things about themselves

2) Then answer the 11 questions the tagger has asked

3)Blogger must then create 11 questions of their own to ask the bloggers they decide to nominate

4) They must choose 11 bloggers with less than 200 followers to nominate and link them on their blog post

5)Bloggers must be notified of their award!

6) No tag backs!

Even though I am late in acknowledging and thanking Julia, I decided to play along!

I could really use a distraction right now!

11 Things about myself:

1. I have double jointed toes...it's really freaky, I can click them back and forth and it pretty much creeps everyone out that I show them to... including my cats.

2.  I love the funny man! I was never the type of girl to crush on Brad Pitt or Bradley Cooper...though they are both very attractive...my type of guy...my Hollywood crushes...Adam Sandler, Ben Stiller, Mathew Perry, Paul Rudd

3. I cry over road kill...and if it was me that accidently hit them I am upset for a very long time...

4. My vacuum cleaner is older than I am and still works! That thing will suck the curtain right off the rod if I accidentally vacuum it up!

5. I didn't start feeling older until this year. I actually said to my friend V..."Well now that I am finally getting older..." Finally! Ha!! Oh well I guess it was bound to happen sooner or later.

6. I am a lazy perfectionist.

7. I am very passionate...sometimes to a fault, which causes me to get up on my soapbox...not always a good thing...

8. Most of the time I am kidding around.

9. I have no problem being alone. I would just prefer not to be.

10. I am overly sensitive (as seen in #3). I take things to heart and get very saddened by those things I take to heart.

11. I crack myself up! Yes, I laugh at my own jokes...but in my defense they are usually pretty funny.

Now here are my answers to Julia's questions:

1.  What has been the most memorable thing you have blogged about? Moving forward with my adoption plans and being homestudy approved.

2 . Do you share your blog with people you know in real life? Funny, I am actually working on a post about this! I was so naive when I started blogging...had no idea about anonymity. I wanted to be an open book.  So yes, I share this with people in my real life.  But now I am learning there are days I want to be a closed book...or at least an incognito book!

3.  Do you remember your dreams? If so, what was the last one you remember having? I do remember some of my dreams. The last one was about Samuel.

4.   What is your favourite meal that you make at home? Oh...hmmm...Right now I am addicted to whole wheat pasta with a ground turkey meat sauce and stewed tomatoes. 

5.  If money was no object, where would you travel to next? I have a bucket list! To name a few...in the US - the Grand Canyon,  California, Alaska, Maine (among others)...Overseas - Greece, Italy, Australia, Africa (among others).

6.  What is your best childhood memory? Flying in a glider.

7.  Do you/How did you know what you wanted to be when you grew up?  I still don't! Well, that's not really true...I think I finally figured it out! So now is when I knew!

8.  Favourite hot beverage? Coffee. I love coffee. The smell, the taste etc. Throw some Bailey's in there and YUM!!

9.  Favourite cold beverage? Manhattan! But on the non alcoholic side as drab as this sounds, I love drinking plain Seltzer!

10. Best gift that was ever given to you? A cartouche from Egypt with my name on it.

11.  What do you like most about blogging? Being able to get out what I am feeling. Being able to look at, put words to it and hopefully by sharing it, I can in some small way help.

Okay now as far as the other rules of the award go...I don't want to get in trouble but I find that many of the people I read have received this award and so instead of nominating directly the recipients I would choose, I have decided that I choose all of you...my followers...those that read here...

I would LOVE to hear 11 things about you.  Or 3 things or 5 things. Whatever comes to mind that you want to share.

Or answer one of Julia's questions. I actually really enjoyed answering her questions.  Again whatever you feel like sharing please leave the responses in the Comments.

We will make this a dialogue!

I am going to put my 11 questions at the end of upcoming posts and ask all of you to respond.

And now here is my Free Pass.

I am finding that the past is holding me back. I am holding on to mistakes and bad choices, wrongdoings by others and being unforgiving.

I am working on letting go...I am working on my freedom...

Close the door on old, painful memories. Close the door on old hurts, old self-righteous unforgiveness. You might take an incident in the past where there was pain and hurt–something that is hard for you to forgive or look at. Ask yourself: "How long do I want to hold onto this? How long do I want to suffer because of something that happened in the past?" Now see a stream in front of you and take this old experience, this hurt, this pain, and put the whole incident in the stream and see it begin to dissolve and drift away until it disappears. You have the ability to let go. You are free.  ~ Louise Hay

I hope in some small way this will help others to be free too!