One of a Kind

I would like you all to meet Josh.

Josh has a one of a kind disease.

Alternating Hemiplegia of Childhood (AHC) - a rare but debilitating neurological disorder causing temporary bouts of paralysis.

One in every 1 million children suffers from AHC.

Josh is one of those children but Josh is so much more than one in a million...

He is one of a kind.

Josh has a one of a kind heart.

A one of a kind soul.

A one of a kind smile.

A one of a kind laugh.

A one of a kind spirit.

And a one of a kind strength.

A one of a kind strength that I know he gets from his mother.

My cousin.

Strength runs in our family.

I come from a family full of fearlessly strong, beautiful women who overcome every day.

Their strength amazes me. Especially on days when I feel so weak.

But when I look at Josh and his one of a kind determination I know where all that strength comes from...

Our greatest strength come from our greatest love.

Strength comes from love...

And Josh's one of a kind mom is using her strength fueled by her unconditional love to help find a cure for her son.

She has put that strength and love into creating this amazing event.

CureAHC Mixed Round Robin Doubles Tournament

But she needs your help and your support.

Please to donate to help find a cure and show us your one of a kind spirit.

Every little bit helps  - and all donations are invaluable (and one of a kind!)

Click here to make a donation. 

If you live in the Atlanta area and want to register to participate  - Click here to register! 

Get out there and have some tennis fun while raising money for a good cause!

And Josh has a one of a kind message of thanks for you:

There is strength in love....

Forever grateful!

Naked

In order to get my homestudy approved, one of the requirements is to get a physical.

Out of all the requirements, I mean really, in actuality how hard is that. No biggie right...

So around this time last year when I was working on my homestudy, I went and got a physical.

But I have to admit it really wasn't much of a physical. My doctor, Dr. General (my general practitioner at the time) gave me a very quick once over, didn't do any of the required blood work, scribbled on my form and handed it back to me. And in between scribbling on my form he was making comments and questioning me on my age, my income and asking me how expensive it is to adopt...Really???

I should have asked him how much his Mercedes cost but I was taken back by his comments, like he was putting me under the microscope.

I was feeling very scrutinized, very exposed...naked...

 And I was getting really annoyed. I mean really annoyed.  This was a doctor I have been going to since I was a teenager. This is the doctor that literally held my hand when he thought I had Leukemia, a doctor that knew about my miscarriages, the same doctor who when I went to him for clearance to do IVF a few years earlier of course said that old familiar phrase... "Why don't  you just adopt?"

and now...

Now he was throwing out these little digs, these judgments and it was inappropriate and annoying.  I was annoyed that he didn't take it seriously, that he was so callous about whether or not I should continue to pursue motherhood, that he didn't show enough respect to fill out my form,  my adoption form, a form that is so important to me, a form that is my world, that he didn't take 10 minutes out of his lousy day before he sped off in his Mercedes to fill it out properly.

Luckily when I sent in his chicken scratch to my social worker she accepted it and subsequently  after many other requirements were completed, I was homestudy approved.

But on that day, the day Dr. General decided to pass down judgment instead of doing his job,  I was feeling very vulnerable...very exposed... it was all the questions and concerns that I have already asked myself a hundred times but hearing them from him...it left me naked...

The reality is that I knew I could never sit in front of Dr. General again without feeling naked...without feeling like he was looking at my most private parts and disapproving...

So, I switched doctors and now I go to his partner. Dr. Partner. I tell them in the office that I made a mistake on my insurance and claimed the wrong doctor as my primary and haven't bothered to change it.

But it's really because Dr. General saw me naked.

Or should I say forced my clothes off...

One would think with all of the personal information and private parts that I have exposed over the last 4 years of my life that I would be comfortable naked...

And in the physical sense I am.

I have no modesty when it comes to the RE, speculums and the downtown fun with Wanda.

Half the time I am taking off my pants before the nurse has even had a chance to leave the room.

The running joke is that I have to remember to keep my pants on when I go to the dentist.

So today, about one year later from my last physical since my adoption agency requires a new physical every year, I went in for another physical.

I made an appointment with Dr. Partner and when he comes into the room he starts going over my form one line at a time.

I had mentioned that Dr. General really didn't do any tests and Dr. Partner says to me: "If we are going to do this, we are going to do it right."

And he proceeded to do everything on the form. Taking care to fill out properly and even asking if this was my first adoption and congratulating me...I felt fully clothed...

Until...

Until  Dr. Partner said that although it was not required on my form, he always performs an EKG for his physicals and would like me to have one.

Okay! No biggie right!

So, the nurse comes in with a paper gown but it wasn't the pink paper gown that I'm used to.

No, it was white and short?? It's like a vest.

And then she says something to me that I am still trying to process...she says....

"Please get undress from the waist up. And put the vest on with the opening in the front."

And walks out of the room.

From the waist up???

I know there was a look of confusion on my face...I think it's still there....

I went to get undress but my body automatically started undressing from the waist down!

I have NEVER undressed from the waist up!

I must have stood there staring at the white paper vest wondering what to do with it for a couple of minutes.

All I wanted to do was kick my shoes off, pull down my pants and take off my undies...

But I had to stop...I had to think...and then I did it...I took off my shirt...took off my bra and put on the white paper vest.

And all the sudden I was naked!

My boobs were out!

WTF!!

My cookie can be out all the live long day but my boobs!!

I was aware...very aware!!

I was NAKED!! From the waist up NAKED!!

Once it was all over I was glad to cover up and all I kept thinking of  is if you really want to fuck with an Infertile....

Ask them to undress from the waist up and watch the expression on their face...

I am sure mine was priceless!!

**Okay in keeping with the rules of the Liebster Award here is my question to you: "When was a time you felt completely naked?" Please answer in the comments!

An Award and a Free Pass

Julia over at Finding a Way Out nominated me for a Liebster.

Thank you Julia!! Thank you so much!

Here are the rules:

This award is given to new or up and coming bloggers who have less than 200 followers…the award is then passed along to other bloggers in the same category to help spread the word and support one another.

If you receive the award, there are a few rules to follow…

1) Each blogger nominated must post 11 things about themselves

2) Then answer the 11 questions the tagger has asked

3)Blogger must then create 11 questions of their own to ask the bloggers they decide to nominate

4) They must choose 11 bloggers with less than 200 followers to nominate and link them on their blog post

5)Bloggers must be notified of their award!

6) No tag backs!

Even though I am late in acknowledging and thanking Julia, I decided to play along!

I could really use a distraction right now!

11 Things about myself:

1. I have double jointed toes...it's really freaky, I can click them back and forth and it pretty much creeps everyone out that I show them to... including my cats.

2.  I love the funny man! I was never the type of girl to crush on Brad Pitt or Bradley Cooper...though they are both very attractive...my type of guy...my Hollywood crushes...Adam Sandler, Ben Stiller, Mathew Perry, Paul Rudd

3. I cry over road kill...and if it was me that accidently hit them I am upset for a very long time...

4. My vacuum cleaner is older than I am and still works! That thing will suck the curtain right off the rod if I accidentally vacuum it up!

5. I didn't start feeling older until this year. I actually said to my friend V..."Well now that I am finally getting older..." Finally! Ha!! Oh well I guess it was bound to happen sooner or later.

6. I am a lazy perfectionist.

7. I am very passionate...sometimes to a fault, which causes me to get up on my soapbox...not always a good thing...

8. Most of the time I am kidding around.

9. I have no problem being alone. I would just prefer not to be.

10. I am overly sensitive (as seen in #3). I take things to heart and get very saddened by those things I take to heart.

11. I crack myself up! Yes, I laugh at my own jokes...but in my defense they are usually pretty funny.

Now here are my answers to Julia's questions:

1.  What has been the most memorable thing you have blogged about? Moving forward with my adoption plans and being homestudy approved.

2 . Do you share your blog with people you know in real life? Funny, I am actually working on a post about this! I was so naive when I started blogging...had no idea about anonymity. I wanted to be an open book.  So yes, I share this with people in my real life.  But now I am learning there are days I want to be a closed book...or at least an incognito book!

3.  Do you remember your dreams? If so, what was the last one you remember having? I do remember some of my dreams. The last one was about Samuel.

4.   What is your favourite meal that you make at home? Oh...hmmm...Right now I am addicted to whole wheat pasta with a ground turkey meat sauce and stewed tomatoes. 

5.  If money was no object, where would you travel to next? I have a bucket list! To name a few...in the US - the Grand Canyon,  California, Alaska, Maine (among others)...Overseas - Greece, Italy, Australia, Africa (among others).

6.  What is your best childhood memory? Flying in a glider.

7.  Do you/How did you know what you wanted to be when you grew up?  I still don't! Well, that's not really true...I think I finally figured it out! So now is when I knew!

8.  Favourite hot beverage? Coffee. I love coffee. The smell, the taste etc. Throw some Bailey's in there and YUM!!

9.  Favourite cold beverage? Manhattan! But on the non alcoholic side as drab as this sounds, I love drinking plain Seltzer!

10. Best gift that was ever given to you? A cartouche from Egypt with my name on it.

11.  What do you like most about blogging? Being able to get out what I am feeling. Being able to look at, put words to it and hopefully by sharing it, I can in some small way help.

Okay now as far as the other rules of the award go...I don't want to get in trouble but I find that many of the people I read have received this award and so instead of nominating directly the recipients I would choose, I have decided that I choose all of you...my followers...those that read here...

I would LOVE to hear 11 things about you.  Or 3 things or 5 things. Whatever comes to mind that you want to share.

Or answer one of Julia's questions. I actually really enjoyed answering her questions.  Again whatever you feel like sharing please leave the responses in the Comments.

We will make this a dialogue!

I am going to put my 11 questions at the end of upcoming posts and ask all of you to respond.

And now here is my Free Pass.

I am finding that the past is holding me back. I am holding on to mistakes and bad choices, wrongdoings by others and being unforgiving.

I am working on letting go...I am working on my freedom...

Close the door on old, painful memories. Close the door on old hurts, old self-righteous unforgiveness. You might take an incident in the past where there was pain and hurt–something that is hard for you to forgive or look at. Ask yourself: "How long do I want to hold onto this? How long do I want to suffer because of something that happened in the past?" Now see a stream in front of you and take this old experience, this hurt, this pain, and put the whole incident in the stream and see it begin to dissolve and drift away until it disappears. You have the ability to let go. You are free.  ~ Louise Hay

I hope in some small way this will help others to be free too!

When there are no words...What to say at the end of the day...

I've been trying to find a way to express how coming to the end of my trying to conceive journey with a loss has completely altered my being...my soul...my everyday and my forever...

At the end of the day no matter what anyone says...I can't have children...

There is no shiny wrapping paper or a bow that will put a positive spin on this...

There is no: "It was so hard but I would do it all over again...it was so worth it for me."

No at the end of the day I will never carry a child...I will never feel that child growing inside of me...I will never give birth.

There will be no picture of me in the hospital looking up smiling as I hold my newborn baby.

None...another one of those perfect picture moments that are supposed to be put in a frame and adorn your house that I will never experience it.

And I knew...and I don't know when it shifted, when it all slipped away...when I went from knowing in my heart that I was going to have a baby to knowing it was all over...I probably knew long before I stopped trying...isn't that always the way...

But what do I say...and what do people say to me...really I think I just come off as angry and bitter (but hey I have every fucking right to be!) and I think most avoid talking to me because at the end of the day they have no idea what to say (except to be thankful it's not them!)

So how do I express...how do I put into words a pain that no words were ever invented to describe...

This is a completely different level of pain than infertility brought and the pain of actively trying...because even though you are going through so much...and it hurts...there's still a glimmer of hope...you are still trying...it's not over...

But when it's over...I have been trying to find the words to express how I am feeling and I know they don't exist...

There is a stray cat that walks around my condo complex...well there are several "regular" stray cats but two in particular that I try to help.

The one we call "Missy". She comes around and will sit quietly and patiently under the window waiting for one of us in the complex to put some food out.

Missy's meek, she's well fed and I see her sneak into the basement through a open window when the weather's bad. I always make sure she can get in. She's down...but she's not out.

The other cat...I call "Sematary ".  After the cat in the novel "Pet Sematary" by Stephen King.

The beloved family pet that purrs with content as he sleeps peaceful and protectively on the little girl's chest. That cat is the little girl's world. The beautiful family pet full of life until it gets hit by a car and then....

Then....the cat gets buried in the pet cemetery and he comes back to life...but...

The cat is different. Altered... once full of life and now...it's somehow alive but...it walks with a funny "broken" gait, has a hollow look in it eyes and wails that guttural cry....

Yeah...that's how the other cat in my condo complex is...that's why I named him Sematary...and when he comes around he also walks with that same broken gait and cries...wails actually...he wails...

I wish words could describe his wail: "Whooooo rrrrrrgggggg Whoooooo awwwwww" noise....

It comes from the bottom of its being and it's tortured. I used to think it was because he was just hungry and when I would hear that wail I would run to the window and toss out some food so Sematary would get to eat and maybe stop wailing.

And as soon as I open the window, Sematary looks up at me with those lost, hollow eyes and for a small moment while he is eating the wailing stops but as soon as Sematary is done... and he starts to limp away...."Whooooo rrrrrrgggggg Whoooooo awwwwww"...

It's more than hunger...

It's more...

It's like there is something permanently missing...

Like the cat in the movie...he was once alive but now...died...but still has to move on...with that broken, spastic gait and the hollow look in his eyes and that wail...

"Whooooo rrrrrrgggggg Whoooooo awwwwww"

That wail...that lives inside...

Because even though there is temporary relief that wail is always behind any comfort that might be found...

International Blog Delurking Week

Okay Mel posted that this week is International Blog Delurking Week (Jan. 6th - 13th) and I thought: "How cool"...it is a chance to see those who quietly follow your blog.

Then Shannon also has a post this week urging lurkers to come out and say "Hi!" and I thought: "Still really cool!!"

Shannon posted about how people might come across her blog through a Google search on Bradley Cooper's abs because she posted about that 2 years ago...I remember that post!

I just find it funny because according to my stats people come across my blog by Googling: "universal pain assessment tool" because of this post "Making Eggs and Eggless in New Jersey!" and another Googled items that has people stumbling upon my blog is "legend of the dreambox" because of this post "My Dreambox".  You know what's funny...I even had someone email me asking if I distribute Dreamboxes to retail stores...HUH???

Now of course I am curious! So my lovely lurkers..."Come out, come out wherever you are!" and say "Hi!"

And of course, those that comment frequently please say "Hi!" too! You are my lifeline!

Lurkers and non-lurkers alike, tell me how you stumbled across my blog.

So, last night before I drifted off to sleep I was thinking about all the blog posts rolling around in my head that need to escape and what I was going to post about next and BAM!! The perfect post popped into my head.

I smile and thought: "Yes, that is what I will write about next."

And I drifted off to never-never land...

Well this morning...

I am sure you all know where this is going!

Well this morning...

Of course I am clueless!! I have no idea what I was thinking and can't remember!! But what I do remember is that is was a really good post!

How does that happen??

UGHHHHH!!!!

So lurkers and non-lurkers...does this happen to you? What gems have you lost while drifting off to slumber land?

For what it's worth...Part II

I read this post..."I know you're blessed but what am I?"...it is a great little post about having to deal with the holidays and Facebook...

But I think it's the title that speaks volumes to me....

"I know you're blessed but what am I?"

What am I?

Do I want to be the person who all the sudden declares how blessed they are and all the sudden talks about how awesome God is ONLY after something awesome happens...

No, I want to feel that way NOW!!

But I can't...I am suffering...for years...suffering...how many times can I count my blessing before the bad overcomes any good?

And I don't want to be someone who only believes when something good happens.

I don't want to be someone that doesn't have the faith to pull through bad...

But don't you have to have the bad and the good to believe in both...and if it's only bad...how do you believe in both?

How do you believe in miracles? If you've never seen a miracle?

And how do you feel blessed when your heart hurts so badly?

I know...I know...I could be homeless...starving...living in a third world country...

FYI...SO COULD YOU!!

Let's just take the "givens" out of the equation...and actually...I am pretty sure infertility is not one of the problems that they face..that might be their blessing...How crazy is that...Infertility could actually be someone's blessing?

SO how does one determine?

I watched a documentary on Diane Downs. For anyone that doesn't know the case, Diane Downs shot her three children in the back of her car and claimed that a hijacker did it.

Two of her children died and the third faced a massive recovery.

While she was on trial for the murder of her two children she actually went out and "got herself pregnant" with her fourth child. She claimed in an interview that:  "it is so easy to get pregnant" and  why she did it was because she lost her other children and needed that unconditional love...funny how she had things backwards...a parent should love their children unconditionally (which she clearly didn't considering she shot them) and not have children so that they can love you unconditionally...but Diane Downs stated in an interview that is was "so easy" to get pregnant and that she wanted the unconditional love of a child so she "just went out" and got pregnant...

All this while she was on trial for the murder and shooting of her other children...

Why can't I have children again?

Why after 13 cycles have I not had success?

Why has every pregnancy ended in loss and not a baby?

How is this determined?

In my mind I had determined it was because I don't deserve them...

Because in my callous youth I took for granted the gift of having children...

Because I tried to pick and choose when I was going to have children...

And in some way I guess I must have been treating children the way Diane Downs did.

Treating them like I could "just go out" and "get myself pregnant".  Whenever I wanted...like an entitlement or a birthright...

No I didn't shoot them in cold blood but I guess I might as well have...

Because I am paying for it like I did...

I disregarded them as a given...

And  I can't "just go out" and "get myself pregnant" like Diane Downs did either...

I pay a deeper fine...but why?

Is what I did as horrific?

I watch people take things for granted every day but it doesn't seem take away that which they take for granted...in actuality it always seems like they get more of what they take for granted...

Accept for me...

At her trial Diane Downs daughter after a long and painful recovery, testified against her own mother stating for the world to know that she did indeed shoot and kill her children.

All the while she sat there pregnant with her fourth child...

Justice?

Do we get what we deserve?

Probably...

I somehow, somewhere, along the way made a mistake...

I've made many but why is my punishment so severe?

Why I have never stopped paying for it...something so minor comparatively?

"I know you're blessed but what am I?"

Is there a God?

Probably not...

For what it's worth...I want so desperately to believe there is...

I go to church every Sunday and pray every night for that faith...

And for what it's worth this is NOT the post I wanted to write...

I wanted to write a post about renewed faith...about God leading me to the decisions I made and finally understanding why...

I don't know if that post will ever happen...

I still hold on to the vision of Samuel close to my heart...

I pray that God has heard...

But for what it's worth,  I am pretty sure he's deaf...

"I know you're blessed"

Or couldn't care less...

And all I am left with is the question: "What am I?"

For what it's worth...

Adoption isn't something I decided to do because of my infertility issues.

I have always wanted to adopt.

From a very young age...I dreamt of adopting.

It was actually having children that I wasn't so sure I wanted to do.

In my idealistic teenage years and even throughout my early twenties, I was known to say things like:

"Having biological children is selfish when there are so many children out there that need a loving home."

"Why bring more children into this world..."

For what it's worth I was a fucking idiot!

Those sentiments were declared by someone who thought they had a choice...

Ahhh what power there is in choice...

And even though I declared those things perched on top of my high horse I always pictured myself pregnant and having children.

I dreamed of one big melded family of love...

I still dream of that but just like the other part of the dream that I had to let go of...you know that part that included the man of my dreams in this big, melded, crazy family of love...I must now release the part about having a baby...

It is not going to happen...

Because after 3 1/2 years, 13 cycles and over $50,000 trying to have a baby...I have come out empty handed or should I say empty "wombed"!

So what was it worth?

What have the last 3 1/2 years of my life been worth?

For what it's worth thinking about my adoption fills my soul with light. But it will always do that...

And I do not think of it as 2nd best...I know I will love my child more than life itself...I know that I will love them as ferociously as any mother could...because I already do...

But in the same breath thinking about never having a successful pregnancy, about never carrying a baby, never giving birth takes away a part of me that can never be replaced.  I will never be the same. I will always carry this sadness...

Why? Why can't I be the type of person who doesn't care one way or the other.

Why is this loss trumping everything else?

Because it is not my choice...

So what has all this been worth...

After every failed cycle I would take the picture of my embryos, you know the one they give you on transfer day and I would write something on it...something to my potential babies that didn't make it.

I would write something like:

"I love you more than you will ever know. I wish you could have stayed with me...Love Mom"

And I would put those pictures in my dragonfly keepsake box that I keep hidden away in my closet.

The dragonfly keepsake box I bought  as a little memorial after my first miscarriage.

The box that I put my pregnancy tests and a pregnancy journal in...

A journal whose purpose was to capture all the amazing milestones of my pregnancy but instead captured my despair as I lost my baby.

When I got pregnant the second time I was so certain that this was it...I took a pregnancy test every day until my beta watching with pure joy as that beautiful line grew darker and darker.

Those too now rest in my dragonfly keepsake box.

This time last year I was devastated over my 2nd miscarriage...

I have spent the last year doing cycle after cycle trying to get pregnant again...and I can't...and I don't know why...

It would only take a couple of days after one of my numerous transfers before I would know that it didn't work...I would know I wasn't pregnant...and I would write my little note to my precious embryos and tuck them away in that little box in my closet.

Except after this last (my final) cycle...I wasn't sure after a couple of days...and then a couple more days past and I knew...I knew I was pregnant.

I took a test...there was a line...faint but definitely a line...the next day I took another test...expecting the line to be darker...it wasn't...and my beta came back too low...too low to be a viable pregnancy...it's a chemical pregnancy...another lost baby...

I was pregnant for a day...for one day I was beyond happy...it's not enough...

I took the pictures of my beautiful embryos, wrote a little note telling them how much I wish that we could be together and put them along with my pregnancy test with that faint little line on it into my dragonfly box and tucked it away in my closet...

It's over...

My last cycle...

3 1/2 years...13 cycles...2 1/2 pregnancies...no baby...

So what has it all been worth?

The $50,000 I've spent?

The 35 extra pounds I've gained?

The endless nights of crying?

The over 500 shots I have given myself?

Or the keepsake box in my closet filled with pictures of embryos and positive pregnancy tests that never resulted in a baby...

Another Beautiful Name...

There was this huge post on Facebook quoting Morgan Freeman basically stating that the glorification of murders in our media is part of the problem.

Morgan Freeman denied making that quote...

But it really doesn't matter whether he made the quote or not...there IS a point in that quote.

I DO know the names of the Columbine killers...I don't know one victim's name...

I know the names of:

Son of Sam; David Berkowitcz

Ted Bundy

John Wayne Gacy

Timothy McVeigh

etc...etc...ect...ect...

I don't know the names of their victims...not one name....

Dyke in the Heart of Texas is challenging us to remember one of those lost, just one,  instead of the name of the person who took their life away.

"It is about the FACT that I am going to erase the killer’s name in Newtown, CT. from my memory. It is also a FACT that I am going to remember forever another name, that of one of the victims.

As I read online this morning, the list of victims in the shooting in Newtown, I closed my eyes and made a vow. I was going to pick one of the victims and remember them…truly remember that they existed on this earth…for the rest of my existence on this earth." ~ Dyke in the Heart of Texas

I am vowing to do the same.

I think it's the least we can do...remember the beautiful lives lost and banish the name of the evil that took them...

Painfully I went online and looked at the list of the victims...my heart aches...and I saw her...I took a deep breath and I said:

"I promise I will remember you!"

Catherine Violet Hubbard

Her name is Catherine Violet Hubbard.

I don't know much about Catherine Violet Hubbard...I did  not know her...

But I do know that she was a beautiful, vibrant little girl full of life...

I don't know much about Catherine Violet Hubbard but I do know...she was taken from this world much too soon...

May God hold you in the palm of his hand Catherine Violet Hubbard...

And I promise that I will remember your name!

**UPDATE**
Catherine Violet Hubbard was laid to rest today. 12/20/2012

Click here to read her Obituary.

I learned to today that she had a passion for animals and in lieu of flowers her parents asked for donations to an animal shelter: Newtown Animal Center, PO Box 475, Newtown CT 06470 or you can donate online.

It was Catherine's beautiful smile that made me feel a connection with her. In her Obituary her parents wrote that she will be remembered for her: "constant smile".

It is what I will remember...along with her name...Rest in Peace Catherine Violet Hubbard.

God's Plan - Part IV

"When I was a boy and I would see scary things in the news, my mother would say to me, 'Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping.' To this day, especially in times of 'disaster,' I remember my mother’s words, and I am always comforted by realizing that there are still so many helpers - so many caring people in this world." - Fred Rogers

GUNS DO NOT KILL PEOPLE. PEOPLE KILL PEOPLE -

If I read this one more time I might kill someone myself...

Okay just kidding but I might give them a big V-8 smack in the forehead.

Making this comment is like saying that a bear shits in the woods...

YES!! YES!! WE ALL KNOW THIS!! WE ARE NOT FUCKING IDIOTS!

But that doesn't mean we put the weapons in their hands.

That doesn't mean we don't try to stop it.

That doesn't mean we don't try...

If that is the case then why not get rid of the army, the police...

It doesn't mean we don't try to stop it...

It doesn't mean we don't try...

It doesn't mean we don't try...

It doesn't mean we don't try...

Otherwise evil always wins and innocent people and our beautiful babies die....

God's Plan - Part III

20 Children Died in Newtown, Conn., School Massacre

There is no reason...

There is no comprehension...

All one can do is hang their head and cry...

But the lingering question will always remain...

Why God? Why?

What is in a name...

I could barely feel his weight as I carried him on my hip. He's so small and pudgy. But I could feel his tiny hand on my shoulder as he held on to me.

He's wearing a dark blue, puffy snowsuit with the hood pulled over his head. And on that precious head he is donning a light blue, knitted winter hat.

His cheeks are chubby and round. His eyes are big, brown and almond shaped. His skin is golden tan and his lips are full and pursed.

His hood and hat have fallen down over his eyes so he can barely see. I carefully pull both garments  back over his head, exposing his beautiful face. I brush his cheeks and lovingly pinch them with my fingers. I turn with my face smiling brightly and declare to an unknown audience...

"Everyone this is Samuel."

And then I snap awake!

I wake up!

The room is still dark and I whisper his name...

Samuel

It was almost like it echoed...

Samuel

And then I heard it again...like ghost...it was me saying it but my lips weren't moving...

"Everyone this is Samuel"

I rested my head back down on my pillow and tried to find that dream again.

I haven't dreamt of my child in so long.

All my dreams and visions have been fading away just outside my reach.

And now a dream. A beautiful dream about Samuel.

I looked up the name:

Samuel's mother was Hannah and his father was Elkanah . Hannah, at the beginning of the narrative, is barren and childless.... Hannah prays to God for a child...

Hannah named Samuel in memory of her requesting a child from God and God listening. Samuel is translated as Heard of God or possibly as a sentence "God has heard"

Samuel...it's a name I've never considered.

Of course I've picked names.

Don't we all.

And I'm not that type of person who won't tell people the names I've picked.

I am not afraid of someone "stealing" my names.

I could care less!

I am going to name my child whatever I want regardless if someone else uses it.

I have a list of names and for boys Samuel wasn't on the list.

For boys I have:

Nathaniel Edwin (Edwin is my grandfather's name) and Nathaniel means "God has given"

And Shane Edwin.

Shane means "God is Gracious"

I don't feel this need to guard these names like they are sacred.

But now...now I feel like I've been given a sacred name.

If I do have a little boy, I feel compelled to name him Samuel.

Samuel Edwin...

"God has heard"

And I can only pray that this is true...

It is no secret that I am struggling.

Struggling with my faith.

Struggling with my belief in God.

Struggling with "He is" over  "He is not".

Knowing that "He is not" hurts less.

But I heard him whisper his name.

I declared his name.

Samuel

The name of a prophet. The name of the little boy who could speak to God.

Samuel...

I guess there is nothing I can do right now but pray.

Pray that this is somehow a message letting me know that God is there and he hears...

And someday I can turn with my face smiling bright and declare:

"Everyone this is Samuel..."

This used to be my playground...

It's no secret that Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday.

I call it the four Fs - Family, Fun, Football and Food!

There's nothing else you need to do but to be grateful for all that you have and enjoy all that you have.

Being my favorite holiday, in the past, it meant that I would partake in the evening before Thanksgiving ritual of partying your ass off!

Yes, that is what you did...you went out Wednesday night, met all of your friends at the bar, got ridiculously drunk and the next day on Thanksgiving you were thankful you had all that food and drink to get you through the day...and you rejoiced! Whooooooo!

And there was this one memorable Thanksgiving Eve when Sio puked in my sock drawer because he was so wasted he actually believed he was in the bathroom.

Classy right! (What a bunch of idiots!)

Fun right!! ( I am being sarcastic here!)

At  Christmas that year, every gift I opened was a pack of socks...well at least my family has a sense of humor.  And I am thankful for that! And for them...

And as I celebrated my favorite holiday and being grateful, to be honest I would get mad at the "complainers" on Thanksgiving.

I remember one year a friend of mine was spending too much time wallowing in what she didn't have and I ended up getting on my soapbox and giving her the "Be grateful speech".

You know the speech! You get it all the time as an Infertile.

"It could be worse"

"Be thankful for what you have"

All that crap that just pisses me off now!

The worthless platitudes of trying to "put things into perspective" instead of acknowledging ones pain..

Something I really don't do anymore...getting on my soapbox or giving the "Life could be worse...be thankful...you could be starving with one leg" crappy speech that does nothing...

I think that's why this post pisses me off so much!!

THANKFUL, GRATEFUL, ABUNDANT.

Really to be honest I was just going to let it go...I have my own gratitude for what I have...I am thankful everyday not just one day of the year but for some reason this brings out the: "Are you fucking kidding me!" in me...

This shit is only spoken by someone pregnant!

It's kinda worse than a fertile telling you to relax!

To me it doesn't make any sense to be thankful for something that is still hurting so many others.

It's like saying you are thankful that a mass shooting happened because you survived and you are a better person now.

What about all those that didn't survive?

It makes no sense...you might be thankful you survived but to be thankful for the event or the disease???

Could you imagine writing a post about being thankful for the shooting at the Batman movie because it made you a better person??

WTF!

Maybe write that you are thankful that this experience didn't destroy you, that this experience has showed you your strength...

I just find it so insulting, disrespectful and demeaning to those who haven't survived...

It's like being thankful for war!

I could go on and on...

And then she says: "I wouldn't take it back"...what a load of crap.

What a selfish, self important statement!

I would take it back in a heartbeat! Why! Because if I could make it so there wasn't such a thing as Infertility...

If I could make it so no one had to suffer like this...you're damn right I would take it back!

And not indulge in my "Look at me....I made it through...I am such a better person now..."

"Oh and I'm fucking pregnant!"

What a sanctimonious post that could only be written by someone who is no longer struggling...

Because guess what...if you were still Infertile I can guarantee you this:

You wouldn't  be thankful for it!

If you were still Infertile, yes, you would be still be talking about all the things you are grateful for like the post she quotes that she wrote the year before and guess what  Infertility isn't one of them!

Oh in that post a year ago I didn't read any "I am thankful for my Infertility" bullshit...why because you were still Infertile!!

"I wish I could reach through my screen and time and tell November 2011 Keiko: “It’ll be different next year..."

Hmmm...really!!

How touching...how heartfelt...what self stroking CRAP!!

Hey I wish I could reach through time and space and tell the me of a year ago...the  me who just had a D&C a few days before Thanksgiving...I wish I could shake her and tell her: "Wake the fuck up!! It's not going to happen! You are going to spend the next year trying cycle after cycle and failing! Get ready for this abundant, gratifying time in your life!!"

And I know there will be those saying: "But she was talking about her infertility..."

Whatever! Still a bunch of fucking crap! Hurtful, self important, sanctimonious crap that is DEFINITELY NOT Infertility's Voice!

I guess that's why this post doesn't piss me off...

giving thanks 

Thank you Katie for acknowledging the heartache and struggle and not being like "I got mine so everyone be grateful!"

This is truly the Infertility Voice!!

And I will raise my Infertility Voice and say yes, I am thankful. I am thankful for the beautiful life that I have, my family, my friends... I am thankful that I am a strong person who is learning and changing everyday from the struggles that I face...I am thankful that I have learned a level of compassion that I didn't know existed....I am thankful I haven't jumped off a bridge yet...but I will never be thankful for something that causes so much pain.

I am thankful that Infertility has taught me enough about pain, suffering and loss to never be thankful for Infertility...I'll let that sink in for a moment!

*Note - I just even want to point out the titles on both posts...The Infertility Voice (yeah right!) the post is all caps..."Look at me"...from If to when...all lowercase...humble...respectful, caring and compassionate.

From 0 to 100...

S.I.F had a post A 100 Years Older. In that post she quote a scene from Private Practice where the character Amelia says to a handsome doctor asking her out:

"You look at me like we're the same age and we could have fun. And I might have made the same mistake if I were you, but we're not the same age; I'm about 100 years older than I look.”

And wow isn't that true. Now to be honest I don't really watch too much Private Practice. I have seen it. But I am usually in bed before it comes on and I am NOT a DVR'er. I don't have the time. Really I could change this whole post into a post on:

Where the "F" do people find the time to:

Facebook
Twitter
Pinterest
DVR
Watch TV
Workout
Blog!

And man it boggles my mind when bloggers can post more than 4 posts a month never mind those that do 20 an month!

How the fuck!!

Anyway this isn't a post about my poor time management.

It's a post about being 100 years older than I look...

I have always felt older. I always knew I was older than those in my age group.

I remember one time in acting class, I think I was around 21 years old at the time. I was watching a monologue that another girl was performing, she was 18 years old. And in the monologue she took this moment where she held her breathe and puffed out her cheeks and then let the air out in kind of "raspberry" when she released. I remember my acting teacher commenting on what a youthful and playful moment that was and all I could think was: "I was never that young".

I was never that young because even by the time I was 21 years old I was about a 100 years older than I looked.

I couldn't stand to be around 20 year olds when I was a 20 years old. Too immature...to clueless...it's a shame I never really got to be immature and clueless...

Having gone through things (and we'll just leave it at "things") at a young age added those 100 years and  lead to many bad choices. Choices to try to remove those years.

Smoking, drinking, drugs...which in reality only added more  years as I struggled to pull myself out of the mess.

And when I finally did emerge, it was only to find out that it's too late...

Yes I am about a 100 years older than I look. I am about a 100 years older than I was this time last year.

On this day last year I was wheeled into an operating room for a D&C because my 2nd pregnancy had ended in miscarriage.

I aged a 100 years in that moment.

And now I am doing my 13th and FINAL cycle. With every cycle, every shot and especially every negative...I have aged a 100 years...

3 1/2 years since my first appointment with an RE...

Almost 2 years since my first miscarriage and exactly 1 year since my 2nd miscarriage...and boy have I aged...

As I sit in my adoption class discussing birthmothers...

I have to remind myself that I WILL be a mother.

I will be a mother but sadly that means someone else will end up aging a 100 years in order for me to do so.

But I just have to keep reminding myself...I will be a mother...13 could turn out to be lucky...I could get the call tomorrow...I will be a mother...

I just hope I don't age another 100 years before that day arrives.

Oh and I will also note that this is my 100 post!

God's Plan Part II

Truth and Consequences

The Truth...

You hear many women say...

Well, once they have crossed over the tumultuous land of "IF"  that is riddled with trip wires and land mines and triumphantly make it to the other side...

You hear many women say whether they succeeded after 1 attempt, 2 attempts, 10 attempts...

The final word is...

That this is the baby I was meant to be a mother to...

That they wouldn't change a thing...

That they would go through it all over again...

That this is God's Plan....

I believe that they believe this is the truth.

I am sure that if I had succeeded in one of my 12 cycles or if I succeed on my 13th cycle that I might be saying all these things  too...

They are exclamations of relief and justification for all that one has been through...

But...

But...the truth?

Although we might perceive it to be true...is it really true?

Is it even logical?

I mean think about it...

If you got success on your 1st cycle or your 12th cycle then what really is the difference?

The drawn out heartbreak and torture of each cycle.

That's really the only difference.  The outcome is the same.

If you had success on your first cycle wouldn't you change it so that you didn't need to "cycle" at all?

Or change it so you wouldn't have to do 10 cycles?

If the outcome is the same so, really, truthfully...wouldn't you change the amount of torture that you had to endure?

I know I would.

I know if I could change it, I would make it so my first pregnancy didn't end in miscarriage.

I know that means I wouldn't have had the miracle of my 2nd pregnancy but...I would change it if I could... even if it meant losing those 8 magical weeks.

And I know some will say: "Well then it wouldn't be this baby?"

But why? Why wouldn't it be?

I believe that the soul that is "meant" to be with you keeps trying until they make it...in some form or another...

So in Truth I think that if I do finally have a successful pregnancy on my 13th cycle and welcome my baby into the world...I would change it...I would make it so that we were already together...

And Consequences...

But what if I don't have success on my 13th cycle and FINAL cycle.

What if my child comes to me some other way...

What if success comes in the form of adoption?

Would it then be:

This is the baby I was meant to be a mother to...

And I wouldn't change a thing...

I would go through it all over again...

And this is God's Plan...

As an adoptive parent in waiting, once a month I go to my adoption agency and I take classes. These classes are conducted by the social workers.

I cannot tell how much I learn in these classes. It is more than just knowledge. It is soul inspiring.

The topic of God's Plan did come up in one of our classes. It was mentioned by another adoptive parent in waiting who is trying to adopt her second child.

In a discussion about her first adoption all the "buzz" words came out...She said:

"I was meant to be this baby's mother"

And I smiled and nodded...it's such a nice thought even if I have trouble with the "meant to be" aspect of things...

"I wouldn't change a thing"

In my head all I could think of was: "Yeah right!"

"I would do it all over again"

Well evidently since you're here trying to adopt a 2nd!

Me personally I wish I could skip all the Infertility crap...maybe just be so zen about my adoption that I skipped cycling all together...

"It is God's Plan"

Hmmmmm???? I have never really been "sold" on the God's Plan thing...

And with that statement...right in that moment when I was battling in my head my own feelings and theories on God's Plan...the social worker put the brakes on and started a conversation about God's Plan.

What God's Plan means to a birthmother.  And how hurtful saying it is God's Plan could actually be to a birthmother.

I never really thought about that...so God's Plan was to put this woman through hell in order for me to be a mother to her child.

Kinda hurtful don't you think...

It really puts the concept of God's Plan into perspective.

What did God give her the finger! Did God decide in some great scheme that she should suffer?

No I don't think so...

Well at least I don't think so anymore...

I mean to be perfectly honest maybe we should really stop and think about what we deem God's Plan or God's Will because in my book we are kinda making him look like an asshole.

Maybe instead we should say...

Our loving God created both of us and isn't it wonderful that in some miraculous way we were able to help each other....and that God's Plan is that we find these ways everyday...

Election Day

I have never voted based on campaigns and campaign promises. Or the incessant sound bites coming from either side. To be honest most of it is downright ludicrous and I can't believe that seemingly smart people on both sides regurgitate this nonsense. I don't vote on what any candidate wants to do, promises to do, etc., even with all the best efforts real change won't happen until the system fundamentally changes. Until we get rid of parties and truly work together as one for the greater good. Do I think Romney and his 5 point mathematically impossible plan is going to fix the economy. NO! Do I think Obama and his "tax the rich plan" is going to fix the economy. NO! They will filibuster and battle the shit out of each other until the next election. There isn't a ruler small enough to measure this teeny weeny pissing contest. And then they will just swear to undo what the other has done; good or bad it doesn't matter. Because they are for themselves and winning the next election. And then we will do this all over again in 4 years. Each blaming the other side when it's a collaborative effort...So I base my vote on my basic philosophies. We elect those to represent us. So I will vote on a representation that I can live with. One that comes closest to who I am as a human being and what I believe in. I believe in equal rights for all. If there is one person being oppressed that is one person too many. I could never look them or their children in the eye knowing I voted against their equal rights. I believe in equal pay. I believe in the separation of church and state. I believe in a women's right to choose. I believe in a loving God that does not discriminate. I believe in the freedoms that we based this country on. Freedom of religion...or non-religion. I believe that people have the right not to believe. I believe in science and keeping religion out of it to necessitate true progress. I believe in helping your fellow man in times of trouble. I believe in protecting our environment not destroying it for profit or to fix our economic issues. I believe in showing the love and respect that this great land deserves. These are some of my general principles. I will not comprise these principals for the sake of finance. I cannot associate myself by voting for a representation that is so grossly different in their beliefs to mine no matter what the cost. I will vote for the candidate that closely represents my principals as a reflection of who I am in my heart...

Shame on me!, The Usual Suspects, Sandy and Leroy sitting in a tree, and Lucky Number 13?

Bad Blogger 

First I have to apologize for being such a bad, bad blogger.

Shame on me!! My bad!!

In my long ago, far away, last post "Crazy", I mentioned in passing the fact that I am going back to school. And yes that is true.

And it's CRAZY!!

And it takes up ALL my time!

I have a lot of posts started and I promise to post them once I get a chance to finish them.

So I am sorry that I have been a bad blogger as of late but I promise once I get the hang of this going to school and working full time I will try to post more often.

Halloween Fun

My "bestie" friend V had a Halloween Party on Saturday.

I have mentioned before that V really knows how to throw a party and this was no exception.

It was exceptional!

It was a murder mystery!

And very intriguing.

Everyone was a suspect.

And here's Sissy L and me being the Usual Suspects...

 No, neither one of us turned out to be the murder but we both had motive....Bahhhhhaaaahhaaaa!!


I think what I like best about being a Bad Blogger and Halloween Fun is that it takes my mind off cycling and all the Crazy things that goes with it.

It takes my mind off the sorrow and pain. It's focused in other places. Even if it's just a Chemistry class or finding the perfect costume.


Where the Hell is Leroy and Hereeeeeee's Sandy! 

For the last 2 months Leroy has NOT been punctual. The one thing Leroy is...is punctual...the only times he hasn't been punctual has been when I have been pregnant or right after an IVF cycle.

In the last 2 months neither has been the case...well...blush...well...

I "might" have "hung out" with the Itch Scratcher last month at just the right moment to make Leroy's lateness questionable.

But I know my body and I knew it was just Leroy being a pain in the ass b/c I wanted to start my dreaded 13th cycle.

Leroy was supposed to come on Monday of last week.

No Leroy.

Tuesday, Wednesday...no Leroy.

News of the imminent Hurricane Sandy started circulating.

Leroy has to get here before Sandy so I can get my baseline done...otherwise no cycle.

Thursday, Friday...no Leroy.

Now I need Leroy NOT to come...or be a few more days late...to come maybe Monday - Hurricane Sandy Day!

Which would also make Leroy a week late...

This way I won't need a baseline until after Sandy has passed.

Saturday...no Leroy.

Sunday the skies get cloudy and the wind starts to pick up.

Sandy is on her way...and so is Leroy!

Sunday...Leroy!

He is officially 6 days late and right on time for his new girlfriend Sandy.

Not knowing what Sandy has in store for us, I decide to brave the winds and the rain early Monday morning and go for my baseline.

So Leroy and I headed out into Sandy...

I am pretty sure the only people on the roads at that time were crazy, fertility patients going for ultrasounds and bloodwork!

And of course the REs...

And of course it turns out I have a cyst...

Now I'm just wondering if Leroy and Sandy really do make a good couple or if I should wait... 

Lucky Number 13... 

Later on during Hurricane Sandy Day I received confirmation I can start my cycle...

Cycle Number 13...

Just in time for Halloween and amidst a hurricane.

A devastating , damaging, frightening...more frightening than any horror movie Hurricane....

Sandy left devastation in her wake...

Massive, amounts of physical damage. Homes lost...

She has destroyed my beloved Jersey Shore...and my heart breaks...

I am so sad...

It's part of my childhood, my adulthood...gone...

Lucky Number 13 could end up destroying so much more...my heart, my soul. It won't take a hurricane to extinguish what little flicker of hope I have left.

But for now instead of thinking of that I mourn the losses in my state, in my home, in my heart...Rock on NJ we will prevail!!!


 

Crazy

It's crazy how little I feel right now. How I walk around in a daze.

I guess this is defeat.

It is crazy that I now know what defeat feels like.

It's crazy how empty I feel and it's crazy how each day races by in a blur.

It's crazy that at the end of this month, on October 30th, if I didn't miscarry the first time, I would have a 2 year old running around.

And as crazy as it feels that my baby isn't here... it is just as crazy to think of how it would be if they were here.

It's crazy that 3 months have passed since the due date for my 2nd miscarriage.

And it's crazy that I am not snuggle my newborn as I type this.

It's crazy that I waited so long.

And it's crazy that I keep punishing myself for it.

It's crazy that in my forties not only did I decide to pursue motherhood but I have also started going back to school.

It's crazy how little time I have...and that can be taken in all the monumental  ways that one can conjure up...

I will say it again...

It's crazy how little time I have.

It's crazy how fragile I feel.  Anyone who knows me knows my strength.

I guess this is weakness.

It's crazy that I now know what weakness feels like.

It's crazy that the thought of cycling again, the thought of one more shot, one more pill, one more transfer and one more two week wait makes me envision myself falling to my knees and wailing.

And what is even crazier is that I will be starting another cycle with my next period.

It's crazy that this will be my 13th cycle.

And it's crazy that I no longer have a sense of hope.

But you want to know what's not crazy...me...because I am not expecting a different result.   I'm just getting it over with.

I will not hang my hopes and dreams on this only to get crushed again.

I will not believe...

or at least I will try not to...

I will try not to believe...

I will try not to believe...

It's crazy that my new found non-faith is so hard to follow.

It's crazy that I can't follow a simple, logical plan not to believe.

Isn't it crazy that I still somehow believe?

The Gambler

"You got to know when to hold them..." ~ Kenny Rogers

Anyone who knows me, knows that I have never been much of a gambler. I can't stand to lose a roll of quarters in a slot machine.

If the gamble isn't really "real", like when you are playing for chips, or pennies, or monopoly money...hey then I am all in.

But real gambles...they scare me.

I tend to play it safe.

That's why I had no clue what a gamble, what a risk I was taking with my life, my heart and my soul when I embarked on my journey to motherhood.

I always knew I would have children. To say I always wanted them is kind of a lie. I wanted them when I was ready.  I wanted them on my terms. So no, I didn't want to become a teen mom and no, I didn't really want children in my 20's. I wanted to make sure I was at a point in my life where I truly, truly was ready and I truly, truly wanted my children.

And I wanted that silly little fucking fairy tale that bit me in my ass.

You all know the one...the one where you meet the man of your dreams, fall in love, get married and have 2 beautiful children.

Yeah that load of fucking garbage. That's also what I wanted.

But as time wore on,  I realized the latter part of the fairy tale was the part I couldn't live without.

I decided to roll dice. I decided to go it alone.

And I never thought that this decision, that this roll of the dice included infertility and miscarriages.

And I never thought I would have to keep gambling, keep risking it all.

That's why gambling scares me. It's an addiction.

And like any addiction as the stakes become higher and higher the need for one more roll of the dice becomes greater and greater.

And with each toss you think "This has to be it!" and with each loss the truth is that this might be one gamble that never pays off.

In considering a bust...in the cold hard reality that I might lose, I'm beginning to realize just how high the stakes really are...

“God is, or He is not.” But to which side shall we incline? Reason can decide nothing here. There is an infinite chaos which separated us. A game is being played at the extremity of this infinite distance where heads or tails will turn up... Which will you choose then? Let us see. Since you must choose, let us see which interests you least. You have two things to lose, the true and the good; and two things to stake, your reason and your will, your knowledge and your happiness; and your nature has two things to shun, error and misery. Your reason is no more shocked in choosing one rather than the other, since you must of necessity choose... But your happiness? Let us weigh the gain and the loss in wagering that God is... If you gain, you gain all; if you lose, you lose nothing. Wager, then, without hesitation that He is. ~ Blaise Pascal 

Philosopher Blaise Pascal philosophized that it is better wager to believe that God exists. That in that gamble if you  believe in God  you gain all and if you lose you lose nothing...Is that really true?

I will never forget walking into church after my first miscarriage. I was lost. I was looking for something and after a couple of weeks of attending church, I thought maybe it wasn't so much that I was looking for something but waiting for this something to return.

My faith. I needed my faith to return and stepping into that church made it start to come back.

I started to find peace and the strength to try again.

I thought that if this journey brought me through those doors than maybe this is a reason.

The beautiful reason of  bringing me closer to God. To strengthen my faith. And I thought that my faith could only get stronger from here.

"where heads or tails will turn up... Which will you choose then?"

You see I took a gamble and walked into that church hoping that it would pay off. That it would strengthen my faith but that's not what happened.

The reality is, this wager, this gamble I took to trust in the Lord, to open myself and let my faith come back to life. To believe.

The wager of believing has completely backfired.

"Know when to fold them..." ~ Kenny Rogers

I thought that this journey would only strengthen my faith but in reality it has only weakened it.

You can only get knocked down so many times before you can't get back up again.

You can only trust and believe so many times before you are drained of all that you believe in.

Pascal says: "If you gain, you gain all."

What do you really gain?

I think that Pascal was missing an important part of the Wager. What believing does to you and your soul...the pain that believing causes you.

"...But your happiness?"

To believe would make it all too cruel.

I have come to the realization that no matter how hard I try, no matter how many times I go to church, no matter how hard I pray...it doesn't matter. It won't make a difference.

And that is the pain of wagering that "He is"...

There is a lot to lose when you wager  "He is" ...

It is too high of a price to pay, losing all your faith from making the wager that  "He is" .

I've come to this realization and it is so painful that I know it has to be true...

No matter how many times you roll the dice at the end of the day it is just that...a roll of the dice...there is no divine intervention.

And if you want to place a wager on whether or not there is some kind of divine intervention you are better off saying  "He is not".

" "He is not" makes it hurt less...

" "He is not" make the suffering more explainable...

 "He is not" doesn't destroy your soul...

So if I am going to place my final wager...I'm going to go with  "He is not".

"and two things to stake, your reason and your will, your knowledge and your happiness;"

At least  "He is not" doesn't drain you of all that is at stake.

I have a Blog and I am going to use it!

Let us not seek the Republican answer, or the Democratic one, but the right, fair, answer ~ JFK


This is what I can or cannot live with.

This is my space and my opinion. You may have a different opinion and politely comment to that fact but do not shit in my house!

I will delete or shut down comments if that happens.

20 reasons that made this middle of the roader take a left turn (and that's just this year!)...

What is NOT Acceptable:

1. Not granting all Americans, all Human Beings, the same rights as others
2. Destroying the Environment to Create Jobs
3. Using Religion to Dictate Legislation
4. Defunding Planned Parenthood
5. Privatizing Medicare
6. Privatizing Social Security
7. Abolishing Unions
8. Privatizing Education
9. Fracking
10. The Keystone Pipeline
11. Depleting our Oil Supply
12. Overturning Roe vs Wade
13. Reinstating Don't Ask Don't Tell
14. Overturning Stem Cell Research
15. Implementing Personhood Laws
16. Legitimate Rape
17. Creating Laws to stop another human being from providing a loving home to a child in need.
18. Not providing US citizen with some form of affordable Health Care (only in America can you get shot in a movie theatre and rack up 2 million dollars worth of doctor bills!)
19. Tax shelters- off shore or in tax cuts. Equal taxes for all!
20. I go back to #1. I would rather live in a tent and pay 90% in taxes before I cast a vote that takes away the rights of another!